Oh, ha jolly ha.
Oh, ha jolly ha to you, young Stiffy, with knobs on!
And ha jolly ha to you, with double knobs on!
S2 E2A Plan for Gussie
Jeeves, you really are the specific dream rabbit.
She'll make something of you, perhaps. I'm sure there are many good qualities underneath that, uh...rough exterior.
Uh, well, no, actually.
[banging at Gussie's door] Come out, you putrid little earthworm! [...] I'm going to tear your head from off your shoulders!
Ah! What ho, Sir Watkyn?
Kindly do not address me in that familiar way, Wooster. I happen to know that, once again, you yield to the awful temptation to steal a policeman's helmet!
Oh, rot!
Fink-Nottle! I'm going to ram that notebook of yours down your throat!
[speaking of Spode] You can't be a successful dictator and design women's underclothing.
No, sir.
One or the other, not both.
Precisely, sir.
Are these the actions of rational human beings, Jeeves?
It's difficult to say, sir.
I mean, is it for this that we dragged ourselves from the primeval ooze, to stir up the emotions of civil, honest citizens to the point of frenzy and then go around playing tennis and giggling?
It's an interesting question, sir.
S2 E3Pearls Mean Tears
Have you ever seen a floral clock, Jeeves?
I have not had that pleasure, sir.
No, well, don't. Have nothing whatever to do with floral clocks. If a friend says, "Just one more floral clock can't do you any harm," be firm.
I shall do as you recommend, sir.
Did you have a pleasant afternoon, sir?
You have a cruel streak, Jeeves. I hadn't realized it before. What blighter was it that invented the bicycle?
The first truly rideable machine was made by a Mr. Kirkpatrick Macmillan of Dumfriesshire in Scotland in, erm, 1839, I believe, sir.
Oh. Too late to do anything about it now, I suppose.
I fear so, sir.
[to the police officer] And stand up straight! Is that the way they teach you to stand at the police force nowadays?
Is there anything I can do, Aunt Agatha?
Yes, there is. You can leave. I have enough to bear without your imbecilities. [to the officer] Your chief constable should hear of this. What is your name?
I think there's something the matter with that girl, Auntie. Isn't she crying or something?
Remorse! She stole my pearls! [to the officer] Do you refuse to give me your name?
Pearls? Well, that's a coincidence. These aren't the little chaps, are they? [holding them up]
Oh, no, of course not — [catching sight of them] Wh-where did—?
I got them from your friends the Hemmingways.
The Hemmingways? The Hemmingways?! Well, how did they come into the possession of the Hemmingways?
Because they jolly well stole them, that's how! That's what they do for a living! They are jewel thieves!
No, no, no, no, no, no—
Yes, yes, aged A! I mean, I don't want to rub it in, but you do realize that if you had succeeded in getting me to marry that girl, then I should most probably have had children who'd have sneaked my watch while I was dandling them on my knee!
Oh, Bertie, dear, you—
Now I'm not a complaining sort of chap, as a rule, but I must say that in future, you might be just a little bit more careful how you go about egging me on to marry females! [hands her the pearls and walks out, then does a dance in the hall]
It's Biffy, isn't it? What have you got against old Biffy?
I'm sure Mr. Biffen has many fine qualities, sir.
Oh, very well, then. If you're not going to chip in and save a fellow creature, I suppose I can't make you. You're going to look pretty silly, though, when I get old Biffy out of the soup without your assistance.
I shall try to bear up under the shame of it, sir.
Yes, well.... Right, well, I'm going back into that sitting room now, Jeeves, and I'm going to put in some pretty tense thinking.
Very good, sir. Shall I wake you at six, sir?
Er yes, tha— [turning suddenly] NO, NO, Jeeves! There will be no need! The brain will be racing.
[in disbelief] As you say, sir.
GLady Glossop
Are you a theater lover, Mr. Wooster?
Oh, rather!
GLady Glossop
One of my most treasured memories is of Irving playing Hamlet at the Lyceum.
Really? Who won? [guffaws]
[doorbell rings]
Was that the doorbell, Jeeves?
It certainly gave that impression, sir.
Who could that be at this time of night?
I shall endeavor to ascertain, sir.
S2 E4Jeeves in the Country
Well, let me tell you, Mr. Mangelhoffer, that the man that hath no music in himself is fit for... hang on a minute. [goes into the other room, where Jeeves is peeling potatoes] Jeeves, what was it Shakespeare said the man that hadn't music in himself was fit for?
Treasons, stratagems, and spoils, sir.
[returning] Treasons, stratagems, and spoils.
MMr. Mangelhoffer
What?
That's what he's fit for, the man that hath no music in himself.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Jeeves and Wooster pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.