[Jerome "Jerry" Whittaker sees Barney try to dismantle a basketball hoop over his driveway]
Barney, what is going on?
JJ gets a childhood, a dad, a real family, and a basketball hoop? No, no, I at least get the hoop, I'm taking it with me.
Please, just come down and talk to me.
Why? Why should I? You're lame, okay? You're just some lame, suburban dad.
Why does that make you so mad?
Because if you were going to be some [agitated] lame, suburban dad, why couldn't you have been that for me!?!?
Look, Barney, I know I screwed up.
Oh, "screwed up" doesn't even begin to describe what I've been through-
I know, I know, I KNOW! I want to fix this and I don't know how! Please, tell me what I can do! I'll do anything! [Barney continues trying to remove the hoop, Jerry briefly goes back inside and returns with a tool box] You'll never get it down like that. [gives screwdriver to Barney, who hits hoop with it like a hammer] No, Barney, Barney! Put the pointy end into the grooves. That's it, now turn it. Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey. [Barney begins unscrewing] I have no good excuse, Barney. It took me years before I was even able to look myself in the mirror for the way I let you down. It took courage to send me that letter. More courage than I've ever had. I owe you a lifetime of apologies, and I, I just... I have no idea where to begin.
[At JFK Airport, Ted and Lily have just picked up a professor for Marshall's fundraiser. Ted suddenly sees Lily about to enter the terminal with some luggage]
Wait what do you mean you're going to Spain?
You were right. If I hear myself say "Baby, you have my full support" one more time, I swear, I'm gonna murder someone! [Nearby DHS agents look at her]
[sees the agents looking in their direction] When are you going to tell Marshall, and when are you coming back?
I honestly haven't thought it all the way through and don't intend to. All I know is, I'm a ticking timebomb [agents look their way again] and if I don't do something for me right away, I swear I'm gonna explode!
[looking at agents] Wow, that's a very evocative metaphor to use for your non-threatening, totally patriotic emotions. [sees agents walk away, one of whom is making a radio call] U-S- OK, I get it. Marshall's been asking a lot lately, but the thing to do is to say you've had enough.
I've never been good at that, and now, ever since his dad died, I feel it's my job to just be fine with anything, but I'm not. I'm not finding guests at our apartment for a giant fundraiser, or thinking about how are we going to pay our bills, or apparently, we've given up trying to have kids.
I'm sorry Ted, I just got to do this. [heads to terminal]
[The gang sees Barney at his deathbed in 2021]
You're too young, it's unfair!
We're not going anywhere buddy, we're staying with you right up till the end.
Thank you Marshall. [coughs] Marshall, can I ask for one final favour, my friend?
Yes, yes, of course, anything.
Eat this meatball sub. [offers wrapped sub]
[winces in pain] I don't have much time!!!
[unwrapping sub] Yes yes, of course, of course. [prepares to bite] Does this have some sort of meaning? [meatball sub explodes in his face]
[gets out of bed and laughs menacingly] I'm not sick, you idiots. I've racked up $30,000 of uninsured medical bills for symptoms I don't even have. Totally worth it! You should see the look on your face. Oh, wait, you can't-- 'cause it's covered in marinara sauce!
Uh, Barney, you got a little marinara on your pajamas. [Barney looks at his pajamas and stops laughing; his face decomposes itself]
[The gang is at MacLaren's Bar with Jerry trying to figure out which club to go to]
Let's see, what club should we hit first? There's Club Was, there's Wrong...
Um, those places shut down a long time ago.
Where's where Was was, isn't it?
No, Was wasn't where Where was. Was was where Wrong was, right?
Not Okay. That place is lame.
Okay is Lame? I thought Lame was a gay bar. Or is that Wrong?
That's wrong. That's Not Wrong.
Oh, I like Focus, let's go there.
I thought Focus was closed.
No, Was was Closed. Once Was shut down, it reopened as Closed.
I don't know. Third base, right?!
Ew, Third Base is all frat guys.
Okay is not Lame. Lame is a gay bar.
No, Shut Up shut down. I can't believe I don't know the clubs anymore.
Guys, just pick a club, okay?
AAll
Okay is Lame! Gay bar!
For the record, um, I was in there once by accident. I'm pretty sure it's pronounced Lamé.
[cut to the group at a club called Hopeless]
[Barney talks to his father about how he settled down and how his life had been]
When I think about going for anything more than that, I look at my life and who I am. I'm too far gone. I'm broken.
[looks back at Barney] Son, I was far more broken than you'll ever be...and look at me now. Don't get me wrong, settling down is a challenge - it's the biggest challenge of your life.
A magician never reveals his greatest trick, but I'll give you a hint: you got to meet the right girl. Who knows, maybe you'll meet her tomorrow.
Maybe I've met her already.
[Robin explains what Barney turns into when he drinks peppermint schnapps]
[at bar kissing women in the lips a la Richard Dawson] Hey there, Darling ... how you doing? ... is this your sister? ... Beautiful! [goes to gang's booth]
Hey, where are our chicken wings?
Show me chicken wings! [gestures to Carl, who gives the wings to waitress]
Good order, Ted!!!! [gang cheers]
[At bar, Robin and Lily order gin for Barney and Marshall to start a fight between them, and the effects kick in]
Do you know what I had to go through to get you that job?
Do you know what I had to do to will myself to show up everyday?
Wear a wrinkled suit and not give a damn about what you hair looked like?
[infuriated] I showed up with wet hair once! ONCE!
[Ted is roused by someone from his bed and is startled at who it is]
Barney, what are you doing here?
[in aristocratic voice] Who is this Barney? My name is John Clifford Larrabee, architect of the Arcadian, and I'm visiting you, in a dreeeeaam.
Really, because it looks like my insane friend rented a costume and broke into my apartment in the middle of the night for what I wish was the first time.
[normal voice] It's a dream, it is, so... [assumes aristocratic voice again] Theodore, do not try to save the Arcadian.
Barney, there's condoms in the drawer, just take it and get out-
I am not Barney!!! [activates flickering lights]
[The Landmark Preservation Commission has come to a decision regarding the Arcadian]
CCCommission Chairman
Last night, this committee came to a vote, and while we've all felt from the very beginning that the Arcadian was, well, an eyesore, Mr Mosby's surprising testimony about the lion's head stonework left us with no choice but to declare it a landmark. [Zoey's camp applauds] But then, something else happened last night. That same lion's head stonework...disappeared, [audience is agape in shock] so it makes our job easier. Motion denied. [bangs gavel]
We should totally buy a bar!
We should absolutely, totally, buy a bar!
Really, the only sensible idea right now.
It's a theme bar... it's a courtroom!
Yes! Where the bartenders wear sexy judges' robes.
It's the only court where you show up, then get served!
You're judged by a jury of your beers!
[Ted and Barney are arguing over who will press the Arcadian detonator, and Robin will have none of it.]
[cutting in partway through the argument] Guys, I dated you both, and neither of you is good at pressing or even finding "the button". After some awkward pawing around, that building is gonna fake an implosion, say, "Baby, that was great" and go to sleep.
TBTed and Barney
[to each other] She means you.
[Marshall has arrived home from his job interview.]
Lily, this year, this nasty schoolyard bully of a year will not stop punching me in the face. How did we kick off 2011? My dad died. And now, after five months of unemployment, I just blew my dream job. Good news is, in a few seconds, I'm gonna start heaving my guts out because that's what life is to me now: just losing what's inside until I'm just empty.
I just want to shut my eyes for a few seconds before it starts.
[Marshall goes to his bedroom and lies down.]
FTFuture Ted
And Marshall slept...[the set darkens and then lights up again] All night.
[Marshall wakes up to find out that he hadn't gotten sick at all. In a later scene, Lily comes into the room]
Lily, it's a miracle! I didn't get sick! I-I-I didn't get sick.
I know, baby. [reveals a pregnancy tester in her hands] ... I'm pregnant.
