How I Met Your Mother quotes

324 total quotes

Marshall: Just a burger? Just a burger. Robin, it's so much more than "just a burger." I mean...that first bite -- oh, what heaven that first bite is! The bun, like a sesame freckled breast of an angel, resting gently on the ketchup and mustard below, flavors mingling in a seductive pas de deux. And then... a pickle! The most playful little pickle! Then a slice of tomato, a leaf of lettuce and a...a patty of ground beef so exquisite, swirling in your mouth, breaking apart, and combining again in a fugue of sweets and savor so delightful. This is no mere sandwich of grilled meat and toasted bread, Robin. This is God, speaking to us through food.
Lily: And you got our wedding vows off the internet?

Marshall: Stella hated Star Wars! She lied to you. Search your feelings, Ted. You know it to be true!
Ted: Well, that's her business.
Barney: Come on Ted, she left you at the altar! [gang begins arguing until Lily notices the taxi]
Lily: Wa-wait, where's she going? Her cab just missed the turn to the Lincoln Tunnel.
Robin: Why would anybody buy take-out food and take it all the way back to New Jersey, anyway?
Ted: She's going to her office.
Marshall: No. [recounts restaurant order scene] The waiter asked her, "And you need utensils?" She said, "No, I'll just take them straight home."
Ted: And if she's going home, why are we still heading to- oh my God. Tony lives downtown. 'Home' is Tony's apartment. She was gonna make me move to New Jersey, and she's moving into the city WITH TONY?!? Son of a bitch! [Gang cheers him on]
Marshall: Finally, finally, buddy.
Marshall: I know, I know, and I love it! [Ted rips off window crank] Yeah, that is awesome! [to taxi driver] Sir, we'd be happy to cover the cost of that window crank! I love angry Ted!
Ted: So do I!

Marshall: There's no meat.
Lily: There's no alcohol.
Marshall: It gets worse--I am 90% sure that guy you were talking with used to be lead singer of the Spin Doctors.

Marshall: Where does this girl live?
Robin: We're talking about a girl who got Barney Stinson to actually commit... I'm guessing Narnia.

Robin: [explains attraction towards battle-hardened men] I come from a culture of hockey players and if a guy can throwdown, it's somewhat way hot...and scars? Hello! If a guy's got a scar, he's got a Robin and if he's missing his teeth, I'm missing my pants!

Robin: [reading "Holly's" text message for Ted] "Hey Baby, I picked up some take out from Gennaro`s, be home soon." Ok, this sounds bad, but let's think about this, it could be for a brother, or maybe her sick dad.
Ted: Scroll down...
Robin: [reading] "And then I want you to do me on the couch..." Ok, maybe not a sick dad...or a VERY sick dad, am I right? [laughs] Sorry...

Robin: Look at those girls, Lily. Look at them and listen to what their "woos" are really saying.
Woman #1: Woooo!
Subtitle: I cry in the shower!
Woman #2: Woooo!
Subtitle: I've never been on a second date!
Jillian: Woooo!
Subtitle: What if I never get to be a mother?!
Woman #3: Woooo!
Subtitle: I'm secretly in love with Jillian!
[Woman #3 looks admiringly at Jillian]
Ted: Woooo!
Subtitle: My career and love life are heading nowhere!

Robin: Wait, whoa, what damage did I cause?
Marshall: Remember that night where you drank the twelver of Molson and got all "Super Canadian"?
Robin: [holding a hockey stick] Stanley Cup. Game six, eh? The Rangers are aboot to be sorry they ever played shinny with the Canucks.
Marshall: Hey hey Robin, I'll give you twenty bucks if you can shoot it through the front door.
Robin: Oh! You're nuttier than a Tim Horton's maple log! Tally Ho! [tries to shoot the puck through the door]
Lily: [grabs the puck] No. That's it, Robin. Gimme the stick!
Robin: I'll give you summer teeth... Some are here, some are there.
Lily: Robin, give me the stick!
Robin: Take off, [shoves Lily] hoser!
Lily: Alright, that's it!
[Robin and Lily begin to fight]
Marshall: Go America!
Ted: Alright, alright! Break it up! BREAK IT UP!
Barney: Te-ed, no! You never break up a girl fight! NEVER!! [punches a hole in the wall and storms out]

Robin: We always do this. We spend an hour arguing about where to eat, and we end up here anyway. I haven't eaten for two days. Can we please, for the love of God, just order something now?
Ted: Chinese?
Robin: Oh.
Barney: I don't like Chinese.
Ted: Indian?
Barney: I just said I don't like Chinese.
Ted: Indian isn't Chinese.
Barney: Weird meat, funny music, side of rice. Why are we splitting hairs?
Ted: Mexican?
Barney: I just said I don't like Chinese!
Robin: God.

Robin: When PJ had a job, he was sexy. He was guardian of the bathroom key. A hot guy telling you when you can and can't pee? That's the dream.
Ted: [incredulous] That's the dream? The dream?!?!?! Like what Martin Luther King was talking about??
Robin: I have to end it, don't I? I'm terrible at breakups.

Robin: You know what it is? We were having sex. Men and women need sex to live together. It... it solves all disputes.
Ted: Oh, like Barney's theory about world peace.
Barney: So I explain to her... I said, "Madeleine, every single international conflict essentially boils down to sexual tension."
Ted: Every international conflict?
Barney: Every single one, dude.
Ted: So the crisis in the Middle East could be solved by...
Barney: Gaza Strippers! Next...
Ted: Apartheid.
Barney: Apart thighs! What else you got?
Ted: Cold War.
Barney: [brief pause] Mrs. Gorbachev, take down those pants!

Ted: [about Star Wars] It's just a movie.
[Cut to Ted and Marshall watching the TV. Subtitle: '121 awesome minutes later']
Ted: Okay, if Stella doesn't like this movie, I can't marry her.
Marshall: No, you can't.
Ted: Wanna watch it again?
Marshall: Yes, I do.

Ted: [as Doctor X] Doctor X here, shooting truth bullets at you from an undisclosed location, 'cause if they knew where I was, they'd shut me down.
Marshall: [listening with Lily at their dorm room] You're on the third floor of the Student Center next to the game room, you tool!
Ted: Been reading a lot of letters about my segment on how racist this school's meal plan is.
Lily: How can there be any letters if no one knows where you are, douche?
Ted: That's why I'm organizing a happening outside the Dining Hall. Monday, at midnight. Time has come that these puppet masters took this ignorance of justice off the menu.
Student: [cuts in during broadcast] Hey Ted, we need a fourth one for foosball. What are you doing here, anyway?
Ted: Dude, get out of here, be there in a sec. [resumes Doctor X spiel] Remember, Dining Hall at midnight. Another Doctor X happening. I'll be there, 'cause X marks the spot-ot-ot-ot...

Marshall: [in present day] If you think people liked your show, they did not-ot-ot-ot...

Ted: [talking about Bilson, who just fired him] After he proposed a vocational paradigm shift, I made an impromptu presentation using a four-prong approach which really brought him to his knees.
Barney: You hit him with a chair?
Ted: Yep.
Barney: That's my boy!

Ted: He may not fit society's definition of a hero, but he is the hero I needed. The hero who helped me recover from the disaster of my failed almost-marriage and get back into the game. He lives in the shadows. Is he a dream? Truth? Fiction? Damnation? Salvation? He is all these things and none of them. He is...The Naked Man.