Victoria: I've only had two boyfriends before Ted.
Robin: Prude alert!
Victoria: Well, two serious ones. I've dated others in between.
Robin: Slut alert!

Victoria: Why don't we just... dance. And have a great time. And when it's over, never see each other again.
Ted: Unless-
Victoria: No. No unless. No e-mails, no phone numbers, not even names. Tonight, we'll make a memory that will never be tarnished. Then, when we're old and gray, we'll look back on this moment... and it'll be perfect.
Ted: Wow... Okay I'm in.
Victoria: [enthusiastically] Okay!
Ted: I guess, uh, what, we'll need fake names?
Victoria: Um... you can call me Buttercup. [Ted and "Buttercup" shake hands]
Ted: Pleased to meet you, Buttercup. I'm... Lando Calrissian. [Victoria laughs] Wow, this is kind of exciting. Our names will forever be shrouded in-
Barney: [with bridesmaid on his arm] Hey Ted, Ted, Ted, look! I got a bridesmaid! Ted Ted look, Ted! The second hottest bridesmaid! Ted, look! See you Ted.
Ted: [to Victoria] So I'm Ted.
Victoria: Victoria.

Wendy the Waitress: Be careful, the plate is very hot!
Ted: Oh go on, touch it.
Lily: [touches the plate] Ahh! Sweet damn, that's a hot plate!

[First scene of the series, in 2030]
Future Ted: Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story, the story of how I met your mother.
Ted's Son: Are we being punished or something?
Future Ted: No.
Ted's Daughter: Dad, is this gonna take a while?
Future Ted: Yes. Twenty-five years ago, before I was Dad, I had this whole other life...

[Flashback]
Marshall: So when Lily and I get married... who gonna get the apartment?
Ted: Wow... that's a tough one. Y'know who I think could handle a problem like that?
Marshall: Who?
Ted: Future Ted & Future Marshall.
Marshall: Totally. Let's let those guys handle it.
[Present Day]
Ted: Dammit, Past Ted!

[Lily admits to Ted about the arts program and how it could derail her and Marshall's wedding]
Lily: There are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it is a mistake is to make that mistake and look back and say, "Yup, that was a mistake". So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you'll go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not. And damn it, I made no mistakes. I've done all of this: my life, my relationship, my career mistakes-free. Does any of this make sense to you?
Ted: I don't know, you said 'mistake' a lot.

[Lily confronts Ted and Marshall at the hospital over their sword fight]
Lily: On Monday I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiance ran me through with a freakin' broadsword!
Marshall: Well, just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.
Lily: I'm sorry, is this a discussion about the degree to which you stabbed me?

[Lily is freaking out because a New Jersey high school that has The 88 for a prom band wouldn't let them in. She thinks Barney's ideas of sneaking in may the only way to see the band.]
Ted: You're getting on board with Barney's idea. Man, you really have snapped!
Lily: It's nine weeks 'til the wedding. I'd say "yes" to just about anything.
Barney: [saunters to Lily] Well...
Lily: No, Barney.

[Lily takes Barney aside at MacLaren's after she sees him trying to seduce Claudia, who just called off the wedding with Stuart]
Lily: Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out and then I'll feed them to you like grapes!
Barney: Wait, my eyes or my testicles?
Lily: [thinks about it] One of each!

[Marshall and Lily argue about their plans for an ideal wedding]
Marshall: Ok, I'm just saying that it's my wedding too and I should have a say in it.
Lily: But I'm the bride. So, I win.
Marshall: But I thought marriage is about two equal partners, sharing a life together.
Lily: Right, but I'm the bride. So, I win.

[Ted and Barney are in a library trying to recruit Barney's friend Penelope for a rain dance]
Penelope: Why the hell should I help you?
Barney: Come on, I know it didn't work out between us, but we did have a relationship.
Penelope: We had sex in your car twice and then you dumped me. How is that a relationship?
Barney: Twice!
Penelope: [loudly] Barney, there is no way I'm- [student shushes her]
Barney: Seriously, come on.
Ted: Penelope, I really need to make it rain this weekend.
Penelope: Why?
Ted: There's this girl-
Penelope: Oh, there's this girl! You know the traditional rain dance is a sacred prayer to nature. I don't think the great spirit looks too kindly on white dudes who co-opt it to get laid.
Ted: But this is the girl I love! If it doesn't rain this weekend, she's gonna end up with the wrong guy!
Penelope: This wrong guy. Is he a huge jackass?
Ted: Absolutely.
Penelope: Kinda like Barney?
Ted: Kinda.
Barney: Hey!
Penelope: You hit on my mom!
Barney: We weren't exclusive!
Penelope: [To Ted] I'm in.

[Ted goes to Robin's apartment after the rains begin]
Ted: Robin! Hey! Robin! Oh, thank God you're here!
Robin: My camping trip got rained out!
Ted: I know, I'm sorry.
Robin: It's not your fault.
Ted: Yeah, it is. Come down here.
Robin: But it's pouring! You come up!
Ted: No, you have to come down here!
Robin: Why?
Ted: Why? Because I MADE IT RAIN! That's what I did today! And that's enough! I..I've done my part, now get down here!
Robin: I'm not dressed, Ted! Come up!
Ted: I'm not coming up there, Robin. I'm not. You have to come down here!
[Robin contemplates going outside, looks at the blue French horn Ted gave her, and decides to go outside. She opens her door to find Ted.]
Robin: I was gonna...
Ted: I know. [Ted and Robin kiss]
Season 2

[Ted just saw Robin]
Future Ted: It was like something from an old movie, where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, "See that girl? I'm gonna marry her someday."
Ted: Hey Barney, see that girl?
Barney: Oh yeeeahh, you just KNOW she likes it dirty. Go say 'Hi'.

[Ted just told Natalie that he wants to break up with her...again]
Natalie: [after throwing a handful of spaghetti at him] I'm NOT THE ONE FOR YOU!?
Ted: I-I'm sorry. I thought that was the mature thing to do, I...
Natalie: It's my birthday!
Ted: Yes, I know it's just...
Natalie: It's my birthday, and you're telling me I'm not the one for you?
Ted: It's no big deal. It's odd, like you lost the lottery--
Natalie: Oh, so dating you's like winning the lottery? [Ted stammers] So what's the problem?
Ted: I can't explain.
Natalie: Try!
Ted: Well, it's just ineffable.
Natalie: Oh, so I'm not 'F-able'?
Ted: No, no, no, ineffable means it can't be explained.
Natalie: So I'm stupid?
Ted: What's going on?
Natalie: What's going on is, you broke my heart over my answering machine on my birthday. Waited three years for me to get over you, tracked me down, begged me to go out with you again, only so you could dump me three weeks later, again on my birthday!
Ted: No no, it's not like that...it's just...it's just-
Natalie: WHAT!?
Ted: I'm just like super busy right now.
Future Ted: Remember when Natalie said...
Natalie: [in flashback, at the bar] I got a Krav Maga class in about half an hour.
Future Ted: It turns out that Krav Maga is not a form of yoga. It's a form of guerrilla street fighting developed by the Israeli Army.
[Natalie proceeds to beat up Ted]