Dr. Lisa Cuddy quotes from House

Dr. Cuddy

Except that ticks aren't usually invisible.

Dr. House

They are until you FIND THEM! [holds up comb triumphantly] No, that's dandruff. Okay, well, that wasn't nearly as dramatic as I'd hoped. It just means that next time'll be even better!

You sick, miserable...! [He rushes into the elevator]

Dr. Cuddy

What are you doing?

Oh my god!

Dr. Wilson

Wait!

Dr. House

See? Told you it'd be more dramatic.

Dr. Cuddy

Call.

Dr. House

You'll call anything.

Dr. Cuddy

My stack is bigger than your stack.

Dr. House

The parents are mad because their kid is dying, it's understandable, but if he doesn't die they won't be mad anymore.

Dr. Cuddy

Well if he's brain damaged they might still be a little ticked.

Dr. Cuddy

You put both of them in isolation for a reason. Joe's death elevates this situation to a bio-safety level three.

Dr. House

Ooohhh, Level Three. Should I call Jack Bauer?

Dr. Cuddy

House, what is this?

Dr. House

He's not a what, he's a who. They even have the right to vote now.

Dr. House

You're late.

Dr. Cuddy

And you are in my locked office, again.

Dr. House

You're designing a kid, a loser kid, who's already getting pummeled at recess.

Dr. Cuddy

Here, knock yourself out. Go find sperm that can beat up 613's kids.

Dr. Cuddy

Why did you...?

Dr. House

Why does a dog lick its workplace-acceptable euphemism for testicles?

Dr. Wilson

Because he can.

Dr. Wilson

Medically, what made you think he was right?

Dr. Cuddy

Nothing.

Dr. Wilson

He got lucky. That's all that happened. Telling him "No" was a good thing. Because next time, he won't be lucky and he'll kill someone. Just because he was right, doesn't mean he wasn't wrong.

Dr. Cuddy

[exhales; long pause] I see him every day. I can't just...

Dr. Wilson

Everybody lies.

Dr. House

How right you are, Dr. Cuddy! We also don't pad our bills, swipe samples from the pharmacy, or fantasize about the teenage daughters of our patients, either.

Dr. Cuddy

True, better be true, and you're a pig.

Dr. Wilson

I'm going to read you something. "Asperger Syndrome is a mild and rare form of Autism. It's typically characterized by difficulty establishing friendships and playing with peers, trouble accepting conventional social rules and they dislike any change in setting or routine." Or broadloom. It doesn't say that last part, but you get my point.

Dr. Cuddy

House doesn't have Asperger's. The diagnosis is much simpler, he's a jerk.

Dr. Cuddy

Pay attention to me!

Dr. House

Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you.

Dr. Cuddy

I'm sure the guardian will figure that out.

Dr. House

In a couple days! Will the guardian convince the disease to hold off eating her brain until we can get the legalities worked out?

Dr. Cuddy

You can't lift your arm.

Dr. House

You can't pee standing up.

I've read the file. You've got fifteen minutes.

Dr. House

It's people like this who killed Copernicus.

Galileo.

Dr. House

Either way.

And they just locked Galileo up.

Dr. House

They killed his spirit. Nobody likes a show-off. Luckily, Alice Hartman has a dad who's willing to see reason.

Reason as defined by slavishly deferring to you.

Dr. House

Their doctor.

Your Honor, I've had no opportunity to consult my attorney.

Dr. House

There's no time.

All I want is a second opinion before —

Dr. House

No time!

Your testimony is their child will die if I don't grant this motion right now.

Dr. House

Am I under oath?

Let's say yes.

Dr. House

My testimony is that this child might die if you don't grant this motion right now.

Literally no time for a second opinion.

Dr. House

Wouldn't be as good as the first opinion.

Dr. Cuddy, what do you think?

Dr. House

[Before Cuddy can answer] She's not a specialist in this area. Her opinion is worthless.

Dr. Cuddy, what do you think of Dr. House? Is he as big a jerk as I think he is?

Dr. Cuddy

Bigger. But he knows what he's talking about.