Gregory House quotes from House

Chase

He's not in prison; It's kinda hard to gas a guy unless you can seal him in a room first.

House

Which is why Arceus created the universe with three states of matter, and three hundred solid and liquid poisons that could cause these symptoms.

Taub

Arceus?

House

[takes a sip of tea] Look it up.

Taub

Impressive.

House

The wiliness with which Foreman ruled out anxiety or his complete wiliness-less-ness before he met me?

Taub

The fact that you managed to smear jelly on almost every page.

Wait, why would you think his wife poisoned him?

House

Because dangerous people don't break into your home, they live in it. And although his kids are old enough to want Daddy dead, they're still too young to do anything about it.

Taub

Must be such a pleasure to live in your head.

House

You're right. Kids might be precocious.

Chase

Taub's daughter is sick.

House

Isn't that the point of having a spare?

Sex releases oxytocin. It's the neurochemical basis for bonding.

House

And that's why men always marry their right hands.

It's different for girls.

No it's not. I've tapped over 30 guys and never wanted to see most of them again. [everyone stares] I live next to a Jewish frat.

House

We are veering wildly off track. Please continue.

Wilson

Two people are happy, and your natural impulse is to destroy it.

House

How do you know she's happy? Did she tell you?

Wilson

No, chirping birds flew out of her butt carrying a banner.

House

How I miss the sweet smell of stickin' it to the man.

Wilson

Adams is right. You're protecting this girl.

House

No, I was wrong. It's the stench of moralizing.

You must be Dr. House.

House

I save my appearances for when parents are on the brink of doing something incredibly stupid.

Let the record show that we are officially convening a disciplinary hearing regarding the events of February 3, 2012 in patient room 209. Dr. House, this recording will be transcribed and published along with all supporting documentation and rulings. Do you have any questions before we get started?

House

Yeah. Who the hell are you?

I'm Walter Cofield, Chief of Neurology, Mercy Hospital. I'll be deciding your fate today.

What are you doing?

House

Taking my Vic-amins.

House

Plaques... can be mistaken for nodules... which means...

Chase

Syphilis.

House

Explains the shoulder and foot involvement. Hope you practiced immaculate contraception.

Chase

She's throwing her life away based on blind faith!

House

So are you! She's found something she wants to build her life around. It's a total illusion, but apparently, she'll take a little ignorance with her bliss. You want to take that away.

Chase

How many times have you thrown the truth in people's faces?

House

Because it's the truth, not because we're gonna live happily ever after! Either your relationship just blows up, like every other non-magical romance, or she stays with you but blames you for stripping all the meaning out of her life.

Chase

This has nothing to do with the truth. You don't like that I'm reassessing my life. That I want to change it. That I can.

House

Anyone can screw up a life. I never said that wasn't possible.

Chase

You're incapable of human connection, so you want everyone to be like you.

House

[shouting] If I wanted you to be like me... [calmer] I would be urging you to make a stupid, stubborn decision that blows up your life and leaves you lonely and miserable. You reassess your life when you make mistakes. You didn't. You just got stabbed.

Taub

If low testosterone means I can't get sick with something else, punch me in the junk right now.

House

I would, if it weren't redundant.

House

How long are you going to wait until you tell me?

Wilson

I thought we already had the Santa Claus talk.

Wilson

House?

House

Shhhh. I'm with a patient.

House

Sleep study.

Wilson

You drugged him?

House

I didn't say the study was voluntary.