Gregory House quotes from House

Who are you?

House

Well, considering the only people allowed in this room are your doctors and your family... I'm your long-lost cousin Ralph. So glad to finally meet you.

Wilson

I've been avoiding you because you're an ass.

House

I've been an ass my whole life. I can't get rid of you.

Wilson

You can get rid me of now. Just turn and limp away.

House

Huh. Your whiny righteousness has the stench of sincerity.

You want to reject our current diagnosis because he... he had a few grey hairs, panicked and shaved his head?

House

I'm gonna reject your current diagnosis because I think we're wrong and treating for wrong diagnoses can result in side effects like death.

Taub

I've known a lot of bullies. People who didn't like me because I'm short. People who didn't like me because I'm Jewish.

House

I get it. There's a long list of reasons not to like you.

House

Every little girl wants a pony till they have to clean up after it.

Wilson

You think I'm going to quit on this? On an 11-year-old?

House

The only relationship you haven't quit on has been me.

Wilson

Hmm. A needy, truculent narcissist. I think it's been perfect training for parenthood.

House

The sound of a needy child is stirring your paternal juices.

Wilson

The sound of a needy child at 112 decibels has stirred my inner murderer. Don't mess with me.

House

Statistically, this treatment has about the same chance of killing you as the thymoma does. But a hell of a lot faster.

Wilson

[Picks up a small maze puzzle off his desk] Nancy Wells, cervical cancer, 70% survival rate. Died November 6, 1998; 64 years old. [Puts the puzzle down and picks up a small wooden carving of a bird] Bernie Jones, melanoma, 89% survival rate. October 10, 1999. He was 52. [Puts the bird back and picks up a deep sea diver from a collection of toys on a counter behind his desk] John Taylor. Thyroid. 96% survival rate. I promised him he'd be fine. [Putting down the toy] Eight years old. I am not going to die slowly in a hospital bed under fluorescent lighting with people stopping by to gawk and lie about how I look. Even a small chance of that happening is too big a chance for me.

House

You're an idiot. And the odds say you're gonna die. We'll do it at my place.

Wilson

If things go wrong, I just want you to know...

House

If you're going to say that you've always been secretly gay for me, everyone always just kind of assumed it.

Wilson

It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. An oncologist with cancer. Of all the things that could be killing me...It's like the universe is giving me the big middle finger.

House

The universe doesn't care--

Wilson

Why me? I'm always telling my patients not to torture themselves, because there's no answer.

House

Sound advice.

Wilson

It's cruel advice. They were just trying to make sense of what was happening to them, and I'm there telling them not to bother? I should have spent my life being more like you. Should have been a manipulative, self-centered, narcissistic ass who brought misery to everything and everyone in his life.

House

You'd still have cancer.

Wilson

Yeah! But at least I'd feel like I deserved it.

House

Okay, your heart rate's up, BP's tanking. White blood count's at 500. We have to go to the hospital now.

Wilson

No.

House

I don't have the equipment or the meds to handle this.

Wilson

No. Win or lose. Win or lose. That was the deal.

House

That was the deal when there was an "or". You can't win this.

Wilson

No. No. I'd rather die here. [crying] Not in an ambulance. Not in a hospital. Please, you can't do that to me. I can't — House… Please. Promise me that you won't do that to me. Promise me.

House

Okay, I promise.

Wilson

I want a threesome.

House

Shouldn't we try a twosome first?

House

It's been fun

Chase

Fun?

House

Sounded pithier than, 'We've shared a variety of situations'.

Don't bother. He's dead.

House

You're dead, too.

The fire isn't.

Taub

How are you possibly in a good mood?

House

Did you never see Dead Poets Society? Carpe diem!

House

Is this Hell, an eternity of everyone I know trying to convince me to live?

Who says I'm here to convince you to live?