Gregory House quotes from House

Taub

This tastes like... vodka.

House

Well, would be stupid if it tasted like bourbon.

Wilson

House, it's your only option.

House

What do I do if my only option won't work?

Wilson

You don't give up.

House

You can go suckle on the little bastard child who makes you feel good about yourself.

Cuddy

Screw you... [walks out]

House

[detoxing] Can you stop.. the breathing?

Cuddy

Air goes in, air goes out.

House

[with thermal pictures of Cuddy] She lied to me. Either last night or today and I need to find out which and why.

Wilson

[sarcastically] And clearly thermal imaging is the way.

Cuddy

This is beyond ass-hood! You have the luxury of not caring about your image, I do not! I can permit a lot of crap, but an employee shouting about his sexual exploits with me, no! That is zero tolerance! So congratulations, House, I am angry.

House

I was wondering if we should move in together.

Cuddy

[laughs] You're fired.

Taub

The deodorant has a high proportion of propylene glycol. Same stuff made a kid in Singapore develop a heart condition, and get this: seizures. Our patient may never have needed split-brain surgery.

House

[distracted] I'm sure he will half appreciate the irony.

House

[to another patient in during a group session] Cut your wrists, huh?

Greg, there are certain topics...

House

Oh, I'm sorry. Is suicide taboo? Gosh, if I'd broken a rule on my first day, I will kill myself.

Group's over!

I know you're scheming. Working on your next elaborate plan to get out of here. Why don't you put the plan on hold for a few days? See what happens. Just let me do my job. If you prefer private to group, we can do that. Maybe try some SSRIs. If you think nothing's working, you can always go back to your scheming.

House

God, if only you'd said that 2 minutes ago. Before I came up with my new scheme. Now I'm committed. Ha! Get it?

Everything in your life has been about finding the truth. But suddenly with this guy, you decide to reinforce a sick man's delusions! You just want to take a swing at me, hm? You don't care about getting out. You don't care about him. You don't even care about the truth! [Scoffs] You don't care about anything, House! I'm transferring you to Winslow Psychiatric. You'll have better luck pulling the wool over their eyes. I'm done!

House

Don't. I need help.

House

I want to get better. Whatever the hell that means. Sick of being miserable.

So you'd like to be happy.

House

Again with the reflecting. Yes! I'd like to be happy.

Being happy is an excellent goal. Not many patients can crystallize exactly what they're hoping to get out of this.

House

I have had relationships.

You screwed up relationships. Every one of them. Almost like that was the goal. I want you to trust... people.

House

I quit.

Foreman

[pause] You can't quit.

House

I think you're confusing me with Jake Gyllenhaal.

Wilson

What was my one condition for allowing you to tag along?

House

Try not to be a jerk. I'm trying. I'm just failing.

Wilson

Roll your meatballs and keep an open mind. [After a few seconds] How hard are you trying not to make a ball joke right now?

House

They're smoking. Your balls.

Wilson

Oh! Ow. No, no. They're browning way too fast.

House

Blue is the color you got to watch out for.

Wilson

Enough!

House

Taste this.

Thirteen

God. This might be the best thing I've ever eaten... and yes, I'm including what you're thinking of now.