Gregory House quotes from House

Wilson

[Referring to his brother] I thought seeing him again would change everything. It would be wonderful or terrible... Instead... we're just strangers. It's kind of anti-climatic.

House

Which is better than terrible.

Wilson

My whole life is one big compromise. I tiptoe around everyone like they're made of china. I spend all my time analyzing what will the effect will be if I say this. Then there's you, you're a reality junkie. If I offered you a comforting lie, you'd smack me over the head with it. Let's not change that.

House

Okay.

Wilson

No. See this - if you were implementing the social contract, you'd say that but only because it makes me feel better.

House

It is kind of fun watching you torture yourself.

Wilson

Do you think things will work out with my brother?

House

No... But when it does go wrong it won't be your fault.

Wilson

Thanks House.

Cuddy

You have a patient waiting, see?

House

I'm waiting for a follow-up.

Cuddy

If you're talking about Mr. Kasden, he has a 'deceased' sticker on his file, as do all the other follow-ups you have scheduled for today.

Cuddy

[Mockingly] So, you think this cat story is nonsense, and you admit she faked her earlier symptoms, but you still think she's actually sick now?

House

Well, anything would sound ridiculous if you said it in that voice.

Cuddy

Confirm she's faking, or I'm going to have to kick her out.

House

There's that voice again.

Cuddy

I'll give you 24 hours.

House

Consecutive?

House

[to Taub] Is it related to your money worries?

What money worries?

House

Extrapolating from the fact that he's been skipping his morning muffin, I'd say that he lost almost all his money on the market last year.

Taub

I'm on a diet.

House

I'm also extrapolating from the online portfolio you forgot to log off. But mostly the muffins.

Why are you pushing a crash cart?

House

Because patients sometimes crash, and they haven't yet invented a crash tractor for me to drive wildly around the hallways.

Wilson

Your crash was 10 miles from the Orange County Progressive Pain Clinic.

House

You live 10 miles from Mary's Dress Shop. Yet that's not even on my list of reasons that I think you're secretly a transvestite.

How come I'm not better? God's not supposed to work in trial and error.

House

God's mistakes are well-documented. If he'd done everything right the first time, there'd have been one plague and zero great floods.

Thirteen

She claims he got stronger as soon as she stopped breathing.

Taub

The mind can heal the body. Seeing his wife in distress might have actually have slowed down his death.

House

Or he just had an adrenaline surge when he saw his chance to hit the singles' market.

Cuddy

I'm sorry for your loss.

House

Thanks. It's not my loss.

Cuddy

Then I'm sorry you don't think it is.

House

I'm losing my mind. All you gotta say is "good"?

Wilson

House, a guy you worked with for two years, who you mentored, and... yes, possibly even cared about, just blew his brains out. You can't find the reason. You can't find the meaning in it because sometimes there isn't any. Sometimes... this is all there is. You should be losing it. You'd be crazy not to be off your game. But your mojo's right where you left it. Just... keep playing with it. I gotta go. [Gesturing to his food.] Help yourself.

House

Your favor's repaid. Patient's cured. He's already packing for another Earth Day extravaganza next week.

Cameron

He almost died. Can't take a few days at home with his family?

House

People only change after trauma if they wanted to change before the trauma. Or if they watched too many after school specials.

Cameron

You're talking about Chase.

House

Talking about you. You lost husband number 1... No surprise the death of colleague would make you question another long term lease.

Cameron

You're teaching commitment classes. 'Cause I thought you were busy with your lecture...

House

[interrupts] I'm sure that was gonna be hysterical. Let me just give the cliffs notes. Don't try to dump him by dumping cases on me.

House

Absolutely. You want him to dump you. It's totally different, much less guilt. Either way, you're out of reasons to avoid him. Kutner was a pretty dumb one to begin with.

Thirteen

Deaf 14-year-old started hearing imaginary explosions.

House

Exploding head syndrome. Cool. Well, obviously his brain knows how to hear.

House

[coming to Wilson for a consult] Is he telling you to avoid the party?

Wilson

I took an oath to do no harm.

House

Why aren't you in my office?

Wilson

Because I know what the word "my" means.