Gregory House quotes from House

Dr. Chase

You're joking.

Dr. House

Well, hard not to - nothing funnier than cancer.

Dr. Cuddy

You know, there are other ways to manage pain.

Dr. House

Like what, laughter? Meditation? Got a guy who can fix my third chakra?

Dr. House

I said I was an addict, I didn't say I had a problem. I pay my bills, I make my meals. I function.

Dr. Wilson

That all you want? You have no relationships.

Dr. House

I don't want any relationships.

Dr. Wilson

You alienate people.

Dr. House

I've been alienating people since I was three.

Dr. Wilson

Oh, come on! Drop it! You don't think you've changed over the last few years?

Dr. House

Of course I have. I've...I've gotten older. My hair's got thinner. Sometimes I'm bored. Sometimes I'm lonely. Sometimes I wonder what it all means.

Dr. Wilson

No. I was there. You are not just some regular guy who's getting older. You've changed! You're miserable! And you're afraid to face yourself-

Dr. House

[slams his cane on the shelf] OF COURSE I'VE CHANGED!

Dr. Wilson

[pause] And everything's the leg? Nothing's the pills? They haven't done a thing to you?

Dr. House

They let me do my job. And they take away my pain.

Dr. House

His liver is shutting down.

What? What does that mean?

Dr. House

Means he's all better, he can go home.

What?

Dr. House

What do you think it means? He can't live without a liver, he's dying.

What is your problem?

Dr. House

Bum leg, what's yours?

Dr. Cuddy

You're addicted.

Dr. House

If the pills ran my life, I'd agree with you, but it's my leg busy calendaring what I can't do.

I can't get my contact lenses out-

Dr. House

Out of what? They're not in your eyes.

But they're red.

Dr. House

That's because you're trying to remove your corneas. [moves to next patient] What's wrong with you?

Uh, lately, my wife has noticed that...

Dr. House

Yeah, yeah. Symptoms, [gestures at Cuddy] we're working on a personal best here.

Numbness in my feet and hands, constipation...

Dr. House

And?

Dr. Cuddy

Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable talking about his private matters...

Dr. House

Well, neither would I, if I was having trouble controlling my pee pee!

Dr. House

You're a dentist. Nitrous oxide poisoning, which means you're either dipping into your own supply, or you've got a bad valve in the office. Laughing gas rehab's probably more expensive than the plumber. Meanwhile, get yourself some B12.

Dr. House

Who's left?

I can't see. [House and Cuddy look appalled] Nah, I'm just screwing with you. [House looks at Cuddy, who smiles] It's a hangover, my English Lit professor told me he'd fail me next time if I didn't show up with a doctor's note.

Dr. House

Well, make friends with the dentist. He can give you a note, and maybe a little nitrous to take the edge off.

Dr. Cameron

Would you give up a baby for someone you love?

Dr. House

Please tell me I don't have to decide. Depends, how long would they live?

Dr. Cameron

Is this a pragmatic question for you?

Dr. House

Fifty years, no problem. Six months, I say let 'em die. Well, I've actually given this a lot of thought, and my personal tipping point is seven years, eight months, and 14 days.

He drops clean urine, denies using steroids, and you're giving him a drug for what, steroid abuse?

Dr. House

No, no, it's not. No, it's got calcium in it. It's very good for the bones. Basically, at a molecular level, it's just milk.

Dr. House

[to Foreman] How long do you figure before I get a call from Cuddy?

Dr. Cuddy

You put him on Lupron.

Dr. House

Uh-huh.

Dr. Cuddy

And, you told them it was like milk.

Dr. House

Yes.

Dr. Cuddy

Is there any way in which that is not a lie?

Dr. House

It's creamy. But, I had three reasons.

Dr. Cuddy

Good ones?

Dr. House

Well, we'll see in a minute; I'm just making them up now.

Dr. Chase

How would you feel if I interfered in your personal life?

Dr. House

I'd hate it. That's why I cleverly have no personal life.

Dr. Wilson

You want to get to the bottom of this, you're doing it exactly right: don't talk to the people involved. Drag your buddy away from work for some pointless speculation.

Dr. House

You want to know how two chemicals interact. Do you ask them? No, they're going to lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.

Dr. Wilson

God! Even I don't like you.

Dr. House

You know, words can hurt.

Dr. House

You can't tell Chase but I can. What shall I do?

Dr. Wilson

Oh...This is where I give you advice and pretend you're going to listen to it. I like this part.

Dr. House

No, I have seen every scary movie ever made. Six-year old twins in front of an elevator with blood. Boys' choirs. Those are bad omens. This is much more mundane. A billionaire wants to get laid.

Dr. Wilson

Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect.

Dr. House

And the reason you want respect...?

Dr. Wilson

To... get laid.

Dr. House

In about an hour there's going to be an emergency meeting with the transplant committee to discuss where you fall on the list should a new heart become available. Problem is, I am required to tell the committee about your bulimia, it's a major psychological condition, ranks up there with suicidal. Means you're a very bad risk.

So you're here to tell me I have just a few hours to live?

Dr. House

Unless I lie to the committee. But if they find out, I lose my medical license.

Dr. House

This would be a very good time to offer me a bribe. How much is your life worth? How much is my job worth?

Dr. House

You value our friendship more than your ethical responsibilities?

Dr. Wilson

Our friendship is an ethical responsibility.