If a woman holds up a stop sign, if she designed it, it would say "If you really knew me, you'd know what you should do right now."
S2Read My Hips
I didn't know you wanted me home right away.
JJill
Well, what did you think I meant when I said how I was looking forward to seeing you and [Saying seductively] "I'll be waiting."
Oh, what was that supposed to mean, "I'll be waiting?"
JJill
Well, I was trying to be more subtle! What did you want me to say, "The kids are gone, I'm home alone, come and take me Big Daddy?"
Well, that I understand.
After all, a safe workplace is a happy workplace, isn't it?
I wouldn't know, Tim.
S2Rites and Wrongs Of Passage
Hey Mom, did you get the notebooks?
JJill
Oh, yeah. Well, they didn't have any Terminator left, but they did have these two blank ones and this one. (Brad and Mark grab the blank ones, leaving Randy with the other one)
Mom, this one has a puppy and a rainbow on it!
JJill
It was either that or a ballerina and a pussycat.
Why don't you just pin a note on my back that says "Kick me and take my lunch money"? I can't take this to school!
JJill
Yes, you can. You can be creative. You can...you can draw a tank here at the end of the rainbow, and, like, some fighter planes dropping bombs on the little puppy.
JJill
Tim, come on. Our son took a dissected frog and placed it on a lettuce leaf. (Tim laughs) It's not funny! This is serious! The principal ate it!
Well, it's a step up from those fish sticks they serve.
Jill (about Tim's kilt): Hey, you look great.
You wouldn't be just teasing a gal, would you?
(To Tim who's wearing a kilt) Hey Mom, where's Dad?
S2Overactive Glance
(about Barbara) I wasn't looking at her, I was looking past her.
Yeah, right into her water bed.
What I did was just downright rude. It would be like burping in public.
JJill
Well, you do that all the time.
But not with other women!
You had a bad day, we all have bad days.
There's a rumor going around that they're gonna make me a cheerleader.
Oh, no. Well, if that happens, make sure you get on the top of the pyramid. You don't wanna be on the bottom of that thing
JJill
[She and Tim are eating in a resturant, she notices a beautiful woman walk by and sit at the table behind Tim] Woah, baby! Bad news. This is not the night for you to give up looking at women.
Oh, and why is that, Jill?
JJill
Because this unbelievable young goddess just came in and sat right behind you.
Yeah, like I'm going to fall for that one. What is it, a 72-year old steel worker? "Hey Marge, they got no beer here!"
JJill
Not exactly, Tim.
Oh, so she's the "Va-Va, Voom" type?
JJill
Well, as a matter of fact, she's got great "Va-Va's" and a darn good "Voom."
S2Groin Pains (aka Groin Pulls)
TTimJill
When he was in that Christmas play, all the other kids just stood up on the stage, Randy... STOOD UP, ON THE STAGE!
Well, he gets that from you, honey. 'Cause you don't just burn meatloaf, you BURN MEATLOAF!
Jill[explaining her trashy romance novels]: I know it seems silly, but some of these are very well-written.
Really? [reading from the book, in a deep voice] Her heart stood still as Derek swept her into his arms. His sinewy biceps rippled as he carried her up the STAIRS, to a NIGHT, of ETERNAL ECSTASY! Oh, PLEASE!
Jill[embarassed]: Okay, so I enjoy cheap romance and drama.
Fine. I'll bring some hand puppets to the bedroom.
[Tim has just dropped a heavy trunk in the garage, and is moaning in pain]
Do you have to go to the bathroom, Dad?
I don't think I'm EVER going to the bathroom again.
What happened?
Tim[strained]: I pulled my GROIN!
What's that?
My very favorite muscle.
Tim(to Al): So, we're going to have to change the format of the show today. YOU are gonna have to do ALL the work.
And what would the change be, Tim?
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