Home Improvement Season 1 quotes

[about the dishwasher] You will not screw it up like you did the blender. End of discussion.

Tim

What's wrong with the blender? It's the only blender on the block that can puree a brick.

Tim, do you ever listen to me? It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night.

Tim

No, I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me in bed last night was "no!"

You're thinking of tonight.

Tim

In the shop, tape hangs on a hook, because it has a hole in it.

So does your head, it's not hanging on a hook.

[to Tim, after finding the missing wrench in the dryer] Do you want this on regular cycle or fluff?

(Finds Tim pretending to ride lawnmower like a motorcycle) So, what? Did you join Hells Gardeners?

Tim

[after opening a bag of chips and spilling them everywhere] There's a warning label right here. You shouldn't open these in broad daylight, in Detroit. It could cause an explosion!

Tim

Would I help if I said I was sorry?

It might.

Tim

I'm sorry.

It didn't.

Tim, what do you actually know about installing a satellite dish?

Tim

It's simple. Mount it, point it straight up. Any man could do that.

Yeah, but it has to stay up longer than ten seconds.

Tim

However much I'm not jealous, I'm twice as much not insecure.

Wilson

Well, you should feel secure, Tim. You've got what every man dreams of.

Tim

A satellite dish!

Wilson

No, Tim. Three strapping boys, a nice home, and a loving wife.

Will you go check the furnace, I think the pilot must be out.

Tim

Are you saying that lighting a pilot is a man's job?

No, I'm saying it's your job.

Mark

What are we gonna make?

I'm gonna have your whole Scout troop make paper-bag masks.

Mark

Is that all? Billy's mom helped us make a real tepee.

She did?

Mark

Yeah, and she made us beef jerky out of raw meat.

Billy's mom is a Stepford wife. You're getting pizza and paper-bag masks.

What are we gonna do about the boys' table manners?

Tim

You should give them a refresher course.

Me? What about you?

Tim

[with his mouth full] Honey, I'm a man. What do I know about manners?

Brad

Mom!

What?

Brad

Dad's cussing.

Tim

I'm not cussing.

Mark

He said a bad word.

Tim

It wasn't bad!

Randy

He said 'hell' and 'damn'.

Tim

I did not say 'damn'.

Randy

Now you did.

I'll be going upstairs now...

Tim

You want company?

No, just you.

Tim

[because the kids are asleep at the dinner table] Shouldn't we take the boys to bed?

Nah, leave them. It'll only take a minute, anyway...

[as the boys prepare to go to school] If you miss that bus, you'll be in big trouble!

Tim

Trouble already? Boys, pace yourselves, you've got all day to be evil. You don't wanna peak too soon.