You see, after thirteen years of marriage . . .
JJill
Fourteen!
S2Groin Pains (aka Groin Pulls)
(after the play) I saw Jennifer looking at me.
She wanted to know where you bought your tights.
S2Heavy Meddle
[Catches Brad with the garden hose] What did I tell you about water balloons?
Fill 'em up real full so they bust on contact?
[Grins deviously] That's right!
JJill
Wilson, do you think humans are more important than machines?
Without a doubt. Although, I am awfully fond of my waffle maker.
JJill
Well, could you please tell that to the knucklehead I'm married to?
Oh, he knows. He's had my waffles.
S2The Haunting of Taylor House
JJennifer
[Upset that Brad didn't pick her for his kickball team] You can be so dense.
Hey, I may dense, but my team won!
JJill
[Hurrying to the bathroom] Move it, atom boy!
S2Roomie for Improvement
If I ever said it was hard living with you, just say one word: Al.
JJill
It's that bad, huh?
His mother recorded his whole life on videotape. Last night, it was three hours of "Muskie Fishing with Uncle Phil." Did you know that in the seventh grade, he built a replica of the Washington Monument out of popsicle sticks?
JJill
Lots of kids do stuff like that.
It was life-size!
Al, you can't end it like this. We've had a relationship for three years.
It's over between us.
Al, open the door.
No! You should never have made that recording of me in bed!
S2May the Best Man Win
[Al's wearing a loud-colored Hawaiian shirt]
What the hell are you wearing?
Mo says sometimes I tend to blend into the background.
You're supposed to blend into the background!
JJill
Well, who the hell does she think she is?
Maureen Binford.
JJill
Wait a minute, is she the one that always comes to the Halloween party dressed as a hacksaw?
Yeah.
JJill
Little red-headed thing, about this big?
Yeah.
JJill
I can take her.
S2Where There's a Will, There's a Way
Why do you always bug me during the football game? Did I bug you during childbirth?
JJill
No, but you bugged me during conception.
But Mom, they were gonna play with me.
JJill
Mark, when Brad and Randy say they want to play with you, always ask yourself "what do they want to do to me?".
S2Bell Bottom Blues
All this week, Al and I will be doing our salute... [Tim and Al salute, following by sound of tools dropping] ...to toolboxes. You know, a well-organized toolbox says a lot about you as a man. [Al snickers as Tim sets his normal-sized toolbox next to Al's larger toolbox] What is it, Al?
Uh...nothing, Tim.
What is it, Al?
Well, I...I was just noticing how much bigger mine is.
You have to have a bigger toolbox to compensate for your teensy, weensy paycheck.
No, Tim, I need a bigger toolbox because I'm your assistant, [opens toolbox] and I need to be ready for any of your particular needs.
Oh, yeah, he does. Ho ho ho ho ho. You're really shaping up around here, Al.
Well, I have plenty of room in here for [pulls out the following] bandages, couple of ice packs.
Stop it, Al. Cut it out.
Oh, tourniquet.
I hope you have a job application in there, Buddy!
Crutches.
[bewildered] Huh?!
IV unit.
S2You're Driving Me Crazy, You're Driving Me Nuts
There's a sign right there, what does it say?
JJill
"Welcome to...[glares at Tim] OHIO!"
...Well, we won't be needing that Michigan map now, do we?
JJill
I'm so glad I didn't let anybody talk me out of marrying you.
Who tried to talk you out of marrying me?
JJill
Oh, nobody, just...[Takes a bite of cake] My mother, my father, my sisters, the minister, the postman, some guy down at the post office... oh, and Sheila! She told me "Don't marry him, I know a loser when I see one!"
Good thing she was wrong.
JJill
Who said she was wrong?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Home Improvement pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.