Home Improvement quotes
74 total quotesTim: The first time I did Tool Time, I was really nervous. So I imagine the audience was just one guy.
Jill: The first time you did Tool Time, there was only one guy.
Tim: Yeah, but I pictured him in his underwear.
Jill: He WAS in his underwear!
Tim: He was NOT!
Jill: The first time you did Tool Time, there was only one guy.
Tim: Yeah, but I pictured him in his underwear.
Jill: He WAS in his underwear!
Tim: He was NOT!
Tim: Today, we hung a storm door on an existing wood frame. Now, the important thing about putting a door in is hanging it, 'cause if it's not hung well, you got a problem. Right, Al?
Al: Speak for yourself, Tim.
Al: Speak for yourself, Tim.
Tim: We are enlightened men, and enlightened men share in the household responsibilities, right?
Mark: What's 'enlightened'?
Randy: It means scared of Mom.
Mark: What's 'enlightened'?
Randy: It means scared of Mom.
Tim: We have a very special show for you today.
Al: Does that mean you're not going to break anything, Tim?
Tim: Maybe just your contract, buddy.
Al: Does that mean you're not going to break anything, Tim?
Tim: Maybe just your contract, buddy.
Tim: We've talked about this long enough; I'm gonna put another sink in this room.
Jill: Oh, no no no no you're not.
Tim: It's not that big a job; it's a small job.
Jill: There is no such thing as a small job with you, Tim. First you'd start with the sink, and the next thing I'd know you'd be ripping out walls, and running a subway through here.
Tim: I'd give you free tickets!
[Tim wants to remodel the bathroom, on Tool Time.]
Jill: Oh, no no no no you're not.
Tim: It's not that big a job; it's a small job.
Jill: There is no such thing as a small job with you, Tim. First you'd start with the sink, and the next thing I'd know you'd be ripping out walls, and running a subway through here.
Tim: I'd give you free tickets!
[Tim wants to remodel the bathroom, on Tool Time.]
Tim: What are you doing?
Wilson: Oh, just pounding myself some horseshoes.
Tim: Wouldn't a pair of loafers be more comfortable?
Wilson: Oh, just pounding myself some horseshoes.
Tim: Wouldn't a pair of loafers be more comfortable?
Tim: What are you up to?
Wilson: Just painting a self-portrait.
Tim: Yeah? Of who?
Wilson: Just painting a self-portrait.
Tim: Yeah? Of who?
Tim: What I did was just downright rude. It would be like burping in public.
Jill: Well, you do that all the time.
Tim: But not with other women!
Jill: Well, you do that all the time.
Tim: But not with other women!
Tim: Would I help if I said I was sorry?
Jill: It might.
Tim: I'm sorry.
Jill: It didn't.
Jill: It might.
Tim: I'm sorry.
Jill: It didn't.
Tim: You can't help that you're a lousy bowler. You're a woman.
Jill: Boy, nothing gets by you, Tim.
Jill: Boy, nothing gets by you, Tim.
Tim: You had a bad day, we all have bad days.
Randy: There's a rumor going around that they're gonna make me a cheerleader.
Tim: Oh, no. Well, if that happens, make sure you get on the top of the pyramid. You don't wanna be on the bottom of that thing
Randy: There's a rumor going around that they're gonna make me a cheerleader.
Tim: Oh, no. Well, if that happens, make sure you get on the top of the pyramid. You don't wanna be on the bottom of that thing
Tim: You know, Charlie, she's gonna keep interrupting the game if you don't apologize.
Fred: Hey, never apologize. It's admitting you're wrong. I have never once apologized to any woman.
Tim: Freddie, how many times you been married?
Fred: Three.
Tim: Why do you suppose that is?
Fred: I can't find a woman who understands me.
Fred: Hey, never apologize. It's admitting you're wrong. I have never once apologized to any woman.
Tim: Freddie, how many times you been married?
Fred: Three.
Tim: Why do you suppose that is?
Fred: I can't find a woman who understands me.
TimJill: When he was in that Christmas play, all the other kids just stood up on the stage, Randy... STOOD UP, ON THE STAGE!
Tim: Well, he gets that from you, honey. 'Cause you don't just burn meatloaf, you BURN MEATLOAF!
Tim: Well, he gets that from you, honey. 'Cause you don't just burn meatloaf, you BURN MEATLOAF!