Tim Taylor quotes from Home Improvement

Will you go check the furnace, I think the pilot must be out.

Tim

Are you saying that lighting a pilot is a man's job?

No, I'm saying it's your job.

What are we gonna do about the boys' table manners?

Tim

You should give them a refresher course.

Me? What about you?

Tim

[with his mouth full] Honey, I'm a man. What do I know about manners?

Brad

Mom!

What?

Brad

Dad's cussing.

Tim

I'm not cussing.

Mark

He said a bad word.

Tim

It wasn't bad!

Randy

He said 'hell' and 'damn'.

Tim

I did not say 'damn'.

Randy

Now you did.

I'll be going upstairs now...

Tim

You want company?

No, just you.

Tim

[because the kids are asleep at the dinner table] Shouldn't we take the boys to bed?

Nah, leave them. It'll only take a minute, anyway...

[as the boys prepare to go to school] If you miss that bus, you'll be in big trouble!

Tim

Trouble already? Boys, pace yourselves, you've got all day to be evil. You don't wanna peak too soon.

I thought if there was a problem with the car, the light would get brighter, or there would be a buzzer.

Tim

A buzzer!? It's a car, not a game show!

Are you saying the car's not working?

Tim

We now own a 350-horsepower, 4-door, BOULDER!

So I can't drive it?

Tim

Not unless you're Wilma Flintstone!

Tim

I'm gonna make some of that four-star, happy trails, rootin'-tootin' chili of mine.

I don't know about the rootin', but there'll be plenty of tootin'.

Tim

You should consider yourself lucky I'm not making my rip-roarin' chili.

What are we going to do about Brad and Randy? They keep tormenting Mark.

Tim

That's why we had Mark, so they'd leave us alone.

I thought you said it was a technical problem!

Tim

Technically, I was the problem.

Tim

We've talked about this long enough; I'm gonna put another sink in this room.

Oh, no no no no you're not.

Tim

It's not that big a job; it's a small job.

There is no such thing as a small job with you, Tim. First you'd start with the sink, and the next thing I'd know you'd be ripping out walls, and running a subway through here.

Tim

I'd give you free tickets!

Tim

...Let me do this for you.

Will Al be here?

Tim

I don't see what that has to do with anything.

Will Al be here?

Tim

I want you to understand something. Al is my assistant, he assist me.

Yeah, I know. Will he be here?

Tim

Probably, yes.

Tim

Anything you want!

Oh, what if I decide I just want you, right now?

Tim

Well, it'll be difficult without Al here to assist me!

Why do they call it a monkey wrench?

Tim

They call it a monkey wrench because even a monkey can use it.

Brad

Dad, am I gonna be able to help you work on this thing?

Tim

You bet!

No, no, Brad, honey, you have to finish your homework.

Brad

Aww, man

Tim

No "aww man's." Do what she says, then you can help.

Tim

Hey Randy, did you do your homework?

Randy

Yeah.

Tim

Want to help?

Randy

No.

Tim

Where did I go wrong with him?

Don't worry about it, he's not yours.

Tim

We are enlightened men, and enlightened men share in the household responsibilities, right?

Mark

What's 'enlightened'?

Randy

It means scared of Mom.