Tim Taylor quotes from Home Improvement

Brad

I don't have a woman.

Mark

I have a woman, Mommy.

Randy

Your Mom can't be your woman, stupid!

Tim

A lotta guys pay shrinks a lotta money to figure that out!

Tim

The first time I did Tool Time, I was really nervous. So I imagine the audience was just one guy.

The first time you did Tool Time, there was only one guy.

Tim

Yeah, but I pictured him in his underwear.

He WAS in his underwear!

Tim

He was NOT!

Mark

So Santa is alive?

Sure, you sat on his lap at the mall.

Mark

But there are a lot of malls. How could Santa be at every one?

Tim

He's really fast for a fat guy!

Tim

You can't help that you're a lousy bowler. You're a woman.

Boy, nothing gets by you, Tim.

We're keeping score.

Tim

I thought you didn't want to keep score.

Oh, is the great big bad bowling man afraid his itty-bitty wife is going to beat him?

Tim

Is the itty-bitty wife afraid the big bad bowling man is going to leave her in the PARKING LOT?

Tim

Today, we hung a storm door on an existing wood frame. Now, the important thing about putting a door in is hanging it, 'cause if it's not hung well, you got a problem. Right, Al?

Al

Speak for yourself, Tim.

Tim

What are you doing?

Wilson

Oh, just pounding myself some horseshoes.

Tim

Wouldn't a pair of loafers be more comfortable?

Tim

Pure power. You could saw through the refrigerator with this thing!

Wouldn't it be easier to open the door?

[Tim has come home with a piece of table glued to his head] Wha-What is this thing on your head?

Tim

It's a little piece of table.

Randy

What happened?

Tim

Old Mr. Negativity, Al, distracted me and got my head cemented to this table. It took me a saber saw to get me off of this table.

Shouldn't you go to the emergency room?

Tim

I was just there. They said I wasn't a priority.

Why? Was there a guy with a whole table stuck to his head? [Jill and Karen laugh]

Tim

You notice, I'm not laughing.

Randy

OK. Dad, bend over!

Tim

[with a piece of table stuck to his head] I was trying to make a point on the show that men don't just destroy things with hammers and nails and tools.

Karen

No, they also glue.

Tim

Pure power. You could saw through the refrigerator with this thing!

Wouldn't it be easier to open the door?

Karen

Do you move to New York or Seattle?

Tim

I think a lot depends on where you'll be living.

If I have to tell you what to get, I might as well just go out and buy it myself.

Tim

Now you're talking.

Tim

Mark and I were talking in the garage, do you guys know anything about a "little brother tax"?

No.

Tim

Maybe I should tell you about something called a "large angry father tax."

[to Randy] Randall William Taylor, get out here now! I want to talk to you!

Tim

Wow, the middle name. He's in trouble!