Mick Belker quotes from Hill Street Blues

Eddie

My grandmother was senile. She had so much fun on her birthday. She'd open her present, and drift off, then look back down and see her present, and then she'd be happy all over again.

Mick

That's what my father does with his breakfast cereal.

Belker

I got a serious problem.

Davenport

Legal?

Belker

No. I forgot it's my mother's birthday today. I haven't gotten her a present yet, and I'm supposed to be there at 6:30.

Davenport

I'm sure she'll understand if you get her a present tomorrow.

Belker

No, she won't understand, Miss Davenport. You don't know my mother.

Davenport

What did you have in mind?

Belker

Suicide.

Belker

I'm supposed to spend four whole days giving some Hollywood dirt bag some girl scout tour of this precinct?

Furillo

Precisely.

Belker

[walks out into hallway to greet his Hollywood charge] C'mon, spittoon face.

Eddie

[picks up video tape from Mick's desk] Oh my, Michael. "Gentlemen Prefer Leather"?

Belker

It's evidence, you Hairball.

Eddie

I have no place to go. I was wondering, uh, if I could stay with you.

Belker

Are you nuts? Absolutely not. [relents] Okay, but just this one time.

Eddie

Oh, thank you, Mick! I'll make you a breakfast fit for a king!

Belker

You make me breakfast, I'll ram it down your throat.

Eddie

You're such a treasure!

Belker

You sure you don't want to go get some dinner?

Jews and Italians…you're going to eat your way through grief!

Belker

Home address?

We got us a room down on Decker. There ain't no address on account they tore it down when they condemned the building.

Belker

[watching lustily after the chicken heart LaRue picks up from the butcher] What are you going to do with it, LaRue? I mean, after you're finished snookering Benedetto?

LaRue

What do you mean, "what am I going to do with it?"

Belker

Best thing is to boil it. And you grind it into a pate, you stuff blintzes in it…I'm telling you, you never tasted anything so good!

LaRue

What, do I look like some kind of urban cannibal here? That's Buddy Gennett's heart – a human being!

Once upon a time there was a down-and-out property clerk named Iggy Mursky. Poor Iggy. Fourteen years in the Midtown property cage and all he’s holdin’ is sixteen and a half G’s a year, zero career promos, house and car payments that leave him about eight bucks a week walkin’ around money, and an old lady buggin’ him for cable TV.

Leave my family out of this.

Belker

Shh!

Poor Iggy! All he’s got to look forward to is a two-bit pension and a first-rate mid-life crisis. Till one day—everything changes! A heavy soda bust.

Belker

Very heavy.

Twenty pounds of Peruvian flake is stashed in an airline travel bag in Iggy’s property room. Now let’s give Iggy the benefit of the doubt. ‘Kay, let’s say he’s mindin’ his own business. He’s got his nose buried in the morning sports, he’s having his Danish and coffee, when hark! And behold! He hears a voice! Psst! Iiiiiggy! What is that? Iggy wonders. Hey! Dummy! Over here! It’s me! The bag!

This guy needs professional help.

I’m a poc-ket-ful of dreams, Iggy. Pure Peruvian flake worth four hundred G’s on the open market! Now this is a fairy tale, huh? Let’s say Iggy fights it off. I mean, ‘cause you didn’t offer us a bribe before, right, Iggy? You ain’t that kind of guy. Iiiiigggy! Listen to me! They’ll never need me for evidence! Hey, they’ll plea-bargain my case—it’ll never come to trial. Stuff me full of baking soda, Iggy! Sell off the coke! Live it up for a change! Beaches! Mai tais with them little funny umbrellas. I’m your one chance for happiness, Iggy. Go for it!

Come on, cut it out.

Only trouble is, Iggy, they don’t plea-bargain the case. They set a date for the preliminary hearing. Now you’re gettin’ real nervous. Then Washington and Benedetto need some scenery for a bust. They check the bag out. It’s perfect, Iggy. It’s your out. You tip Simone off, to queer the bust. You hire that scuzzbag Jimmy Fermento to take down the cops and nobody’ll ever know you made the switch. Except we pop your boy Jimmy. He’s a nickel hooker. He gives you up in about a minute and a half. That was my partner you had hit, you little creep, my partner. Two inches lower, he’d be dead now.

I didn’t have anybody hit. God, what do you think I am?

I think you’re a slug who better make his best deal right now.

You act like I’m some—some mastermind. Like I’m a big cheese. I got three lousy grand. It was all Benedetto.

Benedetto?

He figured out the whole thing, from the start. Benedetto.