Phil Ken Sebben quotes from Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law

Phil

Birdman, this is Dvd, our new efficiency expert.

Harvey

Interesting name. Norweg...?

Was "David". I eliminated the vowels to save time.

Phil

Brllnt!

Phil

[over the PA] Attention employee! Attention employee! It is against Sebben & Sebben regulations to tamper with or disable toilet paper dispensers in the lavatories! You are allotted one sheet of tissue per visit.

Harvey

One sheet?!

Phil

Repeat: One sheet per visit.

Potamus

[appearing from under the stall partition] Want mine? I ain't gonna use it.

Harvey

Wow.

Phil

Ha ha ha! V..pee. Backrub.

Harvey

Am I supposed to... err... um... in this?

Phil

Nothing like gold on gold

Harvey

You know Phil, I've wanted this a long time: the money, the attention, the...

Phil

Backrub.

Harvey

Backrub?

Harvey

Oh... But somehow, it doesn't feel right

Phil

You know it didn't feel right to me at first either.

Harvey

It didn't?

Phil

Nope, but now I can't go wee without a little rub.

Phil

I'm Phil Ken Sebben. You may not know me, but I have 12-billion dollars here that says you'll vote for me regardless.

Phil Ken Sebben. Strength. Leadership. Vision.

Phil

[Interrupting] Oh, almost forgot! I've taken every drug known to man. And not just orally. Just gettin' that out there.

Paid for by the people who gave Phil Ken Sebben 12-billion dollars.

Phil

Judy thinks she's interested in a law career. Ha ha ha! Pfft.

That's right, and I've been particularly interested in your work, Mr. Birdman.

Harvey

Really?

Phil

Birdman, don't get any ideas, you hear? No touchy touchy, no rubby rubby patty, and no looky looky touchy.

Peanut

Sucky.

Reducto

Mr. Mole, please show us your uniform.

My uniform?

Reducto

The Geneva Convention states that only those in uniform are considered soldiers.

Harvey

Objection, he isn't even wearing any pants.

Reducto

Exactly.

Phil

Neither am I. Is that a crime?

Mentok

Uh, yes. Yes, it is.

Birdman

That's it, Falcon Seven! I quit!

Quit, and do what?

Birdman

I don't know, a regular job, like normal people have, a desk job with normal clothes and regular work, work you get paid for…

Phil

[over intercom] Birdman, get in here! A Mr. Peebles is suing Mr. Dibble!

Birdman

Sigh!

And that was 1944's "Double Indemnity" with Fred MacMurray and, of course, the glorious Barbara Stanwyck. Now, later Frank Capra would confess in his autobiography that he fell in love with Stanwyck and had he not been more in love with Lucille Rayburn, whom he eventually did marry, he would have asked Barbara Stanwyck to marry him, after she called it quits with Frank Fay and before she married Robert Taylor. Well, that's it for tonight, thanks for watching, and I'll see you next time.

Phil

[showing the triplets how to tie a knot] The rabbit comes out of the hole, goes around the tree, sees a lady rabbit and invites her back to the waren, but then remembers he's married, so he takes a detour to that little motel out on the interstate.

What else can you teach us, Mr. Phil?

Phil

Uhh, I dunno. How about first aid?

Phil

Alright. Lesson number 1: choking. Okay, which one of you can pretend to be choking for me? Has to be realistic, now.

Sebben and Sebben gives back to the community in a number of ways, our support of the arts featuring the annual Sebben and Sebben Shakespeare festival

Phil

To die... to sleep... to sleep, perchance to dream; ay, there's the rub... Ha ha... rub! For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come... must give us pause... make us bear those... uh, I've forgotten. Huh... I know I'm depressed about something. Uh-ba-da-da... mother: dead.... no, father dead, mother alive, kind of a sexy thing with the mom, uncle; probably killed my father, girlfriend: crazy as a loon, her father's a chatterbox, I killed him... ah, this is all too complicated. [Thunderous applause.]

And most importantly providing the resources for individual employees to set up their own charity work, like the Peter Potamus Home for Hot Unwed Mothers.

Phil Ken Sebben

That monster is attacking Judy!

Harvey Birdman

But Phil, he's saving her!

Phil Ken Sebben

My God, you're right! (Presses tank fire button) I can't believe it! (Presses tank fire button) I was so wrong about that creature, dead wrong. Ha ha! Foreshadowing! About the dead part, not the wrong part. I only saw his grotesque visage, not his noble, majestic hearrrrrt.

Phil

No matter how many times you say that, it still gets me ro- Oh, my God! I just did the math! By "Daddy", you don't mean bend me over your knee and call the fire department because you have a flamer down there; you mean Daddy! Judy! Daughter, is it you?

Yes!

Phil

I can't believe you were trying to get into your own father's pants. Now that's just sick. And me helpless, (pointing down) with the one eye.

Phil

Peter Potamus... Phil Ken Sebben.

Potamus

Mr. President what an honor.

Phil

Listen, I'm wondering if you'd be interested in bringing your brand of populous shadily financed wisdom here to D.C. to join my administration.

Potamus

Can I still speak truth to power, except when truth becomes inconvenient to power?

Phil

Get out here you!