Jesse Katsopolis quotes from Full House

Danny

Steph, don’t you want to go to school and be smart?

Stephanie

I’ll stay home and watch public television.

Jesse

Come on, Steph, spill your guts. Why don't you wanna go to school?

Stephanie

Because I don't know anybody. I'll be all alone, it'll be real scary, I won't know anybody. And I won't have any friends.

Danny

Oh. But Steph, you're gonna make friends. I promise. You and I, we're gonna go down there together. And Daddy's not gonna leave 'til everything's alright.

Jesse

You waltz in here 25 minutes late and expect sympathy?

Danny

I didn't know...

Jesse

I have cleaned the house, and washed and ironed your clothes, and ran a daycare center for socially deviant munchkins, and missed Oprah. Ran this one to a ballet lesson, this one to a dentist. [shows D.J.'s teeth] No cavities, thank you very much. Do you realize I have slaved over a hot stove so you could have a hot meal when you come home?! Huh?! Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?

Danny

Jesse, I'm sorry.

Jesse

"Sorry". "Sorry". "Sorry" doesn't change the fact that my chicken tetrazzini is ruined! Ruined! It's all dried out. But do you have the common courtesy to call me and tell me you're going to be 25 minutes late?! NO! Well, I am not an animal. Oh, my God. What's happening to me? I'm turning into June Cleaver.

Jesse

North American Silver-Footed Ferret, adult male, 2 1/2 pounds. I'd say from the echo, he's heading towards the garage.

Joey

How can you possibly know this?

Jesse

It's a gift.

Joey

Germs take one look at my body and say "Hey- why waste our time?"

Jesse

Women say the same thing.

Joey

I can't have chicken pox, I'm immune.

Jesse

You're immune to common sense.

[after scoring the first touchdown] IN YO' FACE!!

Jesse

How did...? Where did you...? How'd - help me out here.

D.J.

I can explain.

Jesse

No, no, wait. Don't tell me. You're walking by the supermarket, and some kid had a litter of these in a cardboard box. (calls out) Joey!

Joey

Jess, I am trying to put the baby to-- Horse? How did you...? Where did you...? How did it--?

Jesse

My words exactly.

Joey

Oh, this is great. Danny's going to walk in here, see this horse and blame me for the whole thing. Do you know why? Because this is *very* funny.

Jesse

Danny's gonna flip his gourd. We gotta get this horse out of here.

Joey

Well, how do we get him out?

Jesse

We'll feed him, give him food. What does he eat?

Joey

Hay.

Jesse

We don't have any hay.

Joey

Jess, you went to the market, and you didn't pick up any hay?

Jesse

What are you doing?

D.J.

The Locomotion.

Jesse

Where'd you get this tape?

D.J.

It was in there.

Jesse

Oh, no. [rewinds the tape] Please, tell me you didn't tape over my Casa de Pancakes jingle.

[on recording] Casa de Pancakes. OLE!

Jesse

I can't believe it! It's gone! You guys destroyed it! Now I'm gonna hafta do the whole thing over again.

Danny

What happened?

Jesse

Aw, they messed up my jingle tape. Joey's goin' away. I'm gonna hafta do this whole thing over again.

Danny

Don'tcha think you're overreacting?

Jesse

Overreacting? You think I'm overreacting?! I'm not overreacting! Okay?! I had this all worked out! I spent the whole night doin' it! Now my whole life is ruined! Okay. Now, I'm overreacting.

Danny

Jess, ya lost your temper again. Huh?

Jesse

Well, she shouldn't be in here-- [sighs] Ah, I'm just tired. I lost my cool. I did come down on her pretty hard. Didn't I? She'll be okay?

Danny

I think you better straighten this out.

Jesse

Yeah. All right. I know just how to handle this.

Danny

Good. Jesse?

Jesse

Huh?

Danny

D'you need a hug?

Jesse

Haven't I been through enough?

Young Jesse

Hey! One at a time!

There's the kid who was picking on me!

That's it, I'm calling your parents!

Young Joey

But...

Young Danny

Wait, Miss Borland. That boy's lying, Joseph has been a perfect angel.

Tanner's the liar!

That's not possible! Daniel Tanner's never been in trouble a day in his life. Let's you and I visit the principal, Sheldon.

Sheldon?

(Looking at Young Joey & Young Danny)

Young Joey

Thanks man, you saved my life!

Young Danny

You saved me first.

Rebecca

Dustin? You would name our child Dustin?

Jesse

Yeah, you got a better name?

Rebecca

I sure do... Emily.

Jesse

No son of ours is gonna be named Emily.

Rebecca

Our daughter's name is Emily. Our son's name is Prescott.

Jesse

Prescott? Might as well name him Emily. Our son is gonna be called Dustin.

Rebecca

Prescott.

Jesse

Dustin!

Rebecca

Prescott!

Jesse

Dust... When did we have a kid?

Rebecca

Jesse, you'll never catch that boat!

Jesse

I don't wanna catch the boat. I wanna catch Danny!

Jesse

Who let you outta your crib?

I let me out.

Jesse

You mean you climbed over the bars and jumped down all by yourself?

You got it, dude.

Jesse

Jail break!

(in an old video from '83, when Jesse does the dare of his life) The doctor is about to operate!

Jesse

Aren't you a little overdramatic there?

Not if you die.

Jesse

Hey, look, I was dared, so I'm gonna do it.

Not without a kiss for luck first.

Jesse

Have mercy.

[so annoyed by their good-luck kiss, covers the camera lens with his right hand] Aw, don't waste tape on this. This is disgusting!