Jesse Katsopolis quotes from Full House

Joey

[Right after kissing Stacy] Ay chihuahua!

Jesse

Ay chihuahua?

Joey

I could've said, "Have mercy!" but it felt more like an, "Ay chihuahua!"

(Walks in) Hola, Tanneritos!

Jesse

Kimmy Gibbler! Oh, my God!

Eat your hearts out, boys. (Smirks) Too bad you weren't nicer to me when I was a kid.

Danny

And we all lived miserably ever after.

Jesse

That was so depressing.

Joey

Yeah. Can you imagine the girls still living here?

Jesse

No, not that - my hair.

Jesse

Have mercy! There's a... The-there's...

There's a car in the kitchen.

Jesse

Thank you. How'd a car get in the kitchen?

Through the window.

Jesse

Everybody okay?

DJ

Yeah, we're all fine.

Danny

(offscreen) Hello?

DJ

But I don't think Dad is gonna be fine.

Jesse

Well, alright. We have to break this to him very gently, okay?

Danny

(offscreen) Hey, where is everybody?

Kimmy

In your new garage.

DJ

We'll be right back. Stall Dad.

Joey

MY CAR! Rosie! This is my punishment for not filling the ice cube tray?!

Danny

Are you saying you didn't know about this?

Joey

If I did, don't you think I would've bought a bigger jar of touch-up paint? Danny, when I left, Stephanie was watching my car. What the heck happened?

Jesse

(enters the kitchen with Stephanie) Well, here's somebody who knows what the heck happened.

Stephanie

I was taking a make-believe drive through the country, and I wanted to play the radio. So I turned the key, and the next thing I knew, I was in the kitchen.

Joey

I should've never left those keys in the ignition.

Stephanie

It's not your fault, Joey. I had no business being in your new car! It was perfect!

Joey

Well, almost. The radio didn't work.

Stephanie

Now he tells me.

Stephanie

I sorta drove Joey's car into the kitchen.

Jesse

You're the one who drove Joey's...? Steph, you can't even drive!

Stephanie

You're telling me.

Rebecca

No wonder you're moving to Mexico.

DJ

Kevin!

Kevin

Hey, DJ!

DJ

What are you doing out here?

Kevin

Just hanging out!

The dance was lame, so we started our own party.

DJ

(sees the beer can under Kevin's jacket) You're drinking beer!

Kevin

Yeah. Tastes horrible. (offers her the can) Want some?

DJ

No, I don't want some! You guys aren't supposed to be drinking beer!

Big deal! We're just having some fun. Try it!

DJ

Cut it out!

Kevin

(to Paul) You didn't have to do that! I'm sorry, DJ. I'll go get some paper towels.

DJ

Why don't you guys just get out of here?!

You are so uncool!

DJ

Oh? And you think you're cool? (she grabs the can and shows them how it's done, as Jesse walks through the door) "The dance was lame. Now we're having a party!"

Forget it, DJ. We don't want any beer.

Yeah, we're only 13.

Jesse

(noticing what just happened, as well as what's in her hand) DJ Tanner!

DJ

Uncle Jesse--

Jesse

You're in big, big trouble, young lady.

DJ

Uncle Jesse, I didn't do anything.

Jesse

Oh, yeah? Then what's this?

DJ

It's beer, but--

Jesse

(interrupts her) Oh, you gonna tell me you weren't drinking it? I can smell it all over you!

DJ

Those guys were the ones drinking. I was trying to stop them.

Jesse

Alright! Save it! (throws it in the trash) I saw the whole thing. Come on, you're going home!

DJ

Uncle Jesse!

Kimmy

(noticing the confrontation) DJ, where are you going?

Jesse

Home. She doesn't feel well!

Danny

I can't believe this is happening! She's only 13, and she's such a good kid.

Joey

(walking over from the counter to the table and sitting with Jesse) Danny, this could happen to any kid. There's - there's a lot of pressure on them to try drinking.

Jesse

(to Joey, possibly addressing Danny as well) I know, and not just from other kids. From, you know, sometimes, these celebrities, and rock stars, and people these kids look up to. I mean, they're - they're making drinking look cool. I mean, they're sending the wrong message to kids. (turns to Danny) Well, let me tell you something! DJ is gonna get the right message, okay? She's gotta know that there's no drinking, period. I say we go upstairs and lay down the law!

Danny

Jesse, wait a minute. Just sit down. (he does) I think it's not as simple as just punishing her. I think we have to find out why DJ did it, so we can decide the best way to help her. I just don't want her to be one of those kids who has to learn the hard way.

Danny

Kevin, have you seen DJ?

Kevin

(drunk) She's in there.

Danny

Thanks.

Kevin

(drunk) Uh, Mr. Tanner?

Danny

Yeah?

Kevin

(drunk) DJ wasn't drinking tonight. It was me and two other guys. She was trying to stop us.

Danny

She was telling us the truth.

Jesse

I'm sorry, man. I-I saw her with the beer--

Danny

Oh, no, Jess. Don't feel bad, it was an honest mistake. Thanks for telling us, Kevin.

Danny

[after reading Dr. Seuss, Michelle refuses to go to sleep] Don't shake your head. Your story's read. It's time for bed. To bed, I said.

Jesse

Gotta lay off that Seuss, man.

Joey

[to Mr. Malatesta about Jesse] This man is not a hamburger, and I am not a side of fries, and you, sir, are a... Chicken McNugget!

Jesse

Joey, are you gonna quit or order a Happy Meal?

Jesse

[reads paper] Rebecca Donaldson, award-winning journalist and host of 'Wake Up, San Francisco' to wed... "Jersey Katsopolis"?

Danny

Jersey Katsopolis. Sounds like a Greek cow.

Uncle Jesse, Aaron ate my elephant!

Jesse

That's not fair, go eat his cookie. If somebody does something to you, do it back to him.

Works for me.

[to a bodybuilder] Hey, mister, you are very lumpy.

Jesse

I hope you're not offended. But if you are, that's her father over there.

Danny

Okay, guys, listen up. I like Cindy a lot, and she and I really hit it off, so no pressure, but I just want today to be the best day she's ever had.

Jesse

So let her in.