Xander Crews quotes from Frisky Dingo

First question, both candidates--Article Two of the Constitution.

Xander

The what?

Um... [Lamont quacks]

Xander

Why does he get a spirit animal? I think my buzzer's broken!

Is that the one about tariffs?

No, it's the one that says you have to be at least 35 years old and a US citizen in order to be President.

Well, that can't be right. I'm not even a legal resident.

Xander

And I'm only 33.

So, follow-up--why are you idiots wasting everybody's time when you can't even be elected?

Greetings, America. (removes helmet) I. . .am. . .Sinn. (Deceptacles gasp in surprise, along with Killface, who is watching from home) And I, with my lover, the Dread Lobster...

Hi!

And my sisters in chaos, Valerie and the supervillainess Antagone--

Who is soon to give birth to what I can only assume will be a giant, hideous ant-baby unwittingly sired by crippled billionaire tycoon Xander Crews--

Xander

(watching in office) God...damn it.

Now control the Annihilatrix, and your new President, in office thanks only to a corrupt Supreme Court...

Taqu'il

(watching from the Oval Office) And more specifically, Stephen Breyer. Boosh! (Makes toast with Stan)

And/or ka-kow!

Is powerless to stop me, for backed by the might of the Annihilatrix, the Sisterhood of Chaos now rules the world! And now, back to the Haggar Pants 500.

How can she afford a media buy? (Simon mumbles) Still...

So listen. I can't give you an okay to...

Xander

Stand those pants up.

...go battle a cadre of supervillains on top of a giant doomsday device.

Xander

Well, not with that attitude!

Remember when Killface punched you with a penguin at the Haggar Pants Presidential Debate (Turns on X-ray of Xander's spine)

Xander

Uh, vaguely, yeah.

Well, that cracked your C3 and C4 vertebrae, so... you ever see Hooper?

Xander

Yeah, that robot with the big tits!

No, but that sounds awesome.

Xander

It is!

I meant the Burt Reynolds movie where he's a hard-living stuntman.

Xander

That sounds awesome.

It is. Anyway, one more impact to the neck, and you'll be paralyzed.

Xander

My third-greatest fear!

Same basic plot as in the movie.

Xander

God, that sounds awesome.

It is.

Xander

But who's gonna stop Hooper?

Well, it's already out on DVD.

Xander

No, I mean the robot with the big tits.

Really sounds awesome.

Xander

It is.

Anyway...

I actually have some thoughts on that.

Oh my God, now my neck's broken!

What! How could you even say that? I'm a freakin' force of nature here. Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew--

Xander

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! ::crash::

Oh...I'll get you a new lamp.

Xander

Yeah, that was actually a sconce.

Still though...

Xander

Yeah, it's just...I kind of spent a lot of time developing the Awesome X brand.

Totally, yeah and it's understandable, you know, you're protective of it.

Xander

And I hate for you to go up there and...

I get it.

Xander

...get your fat ass handed to you.

Wow.

Xander

Yeah.

You just, ah...went ahead and put it out there.

Xander

Well...

Muffin Top X!

Xander

Well...

Just so you know, this armor does not protect my feelings.

Xander

Ok, you know what? Yeah, do it.

Really?

Xander

Yeah, because either your dumb ass dies or you somehow manage to kill the unspeakable horror about to spew forth from my ex-girlfriend's womb.

Um...

Xander

Cause ah, you know, big picture, child support...

You gonna...

Xander

I'm not saying perform an abortion...

Oh my god...

Xander

But, let's see if you can't stab that thing while it's still in her belly.

Could maybe stab her in the belly if I had a machete.

Xander

Well...your words.

Xander

Mmm, yeah I'm gonna pass... on that... because it is retarded! Wendell!

Yes?

Xander

Go kill that baby, buddy.

Now there's a movie I haven't seen.

Xander

Uhh Vera Drake?

Didn't see it.

Xander

It's... for an abortion movie? Pretty funny.

Let's rent it.

Xander

Done! All abort! Toot toot!

I can't believe you paid your daughter a million dollars never to contact you again.

Xander

Hey, she's no angel. She signed the contract too.

Yeah...you were a huge dick.

What are you doing here?

Xander

Well, I'm not here to buy douchebags, so it doesn't really concern you.

What on earth are you wearing?

Xander

It's a halo, idiot! Not grab bars.

Are those underoos?

Xander

I'm Awesome X!

Oh...

Xander

Ta-da.

I don't...know if I ever knew that. (Simon mumbles) Oh, you don't even know if you're gay or not.

Xander

Snip-snap.

Snip-snap, indeed.

Ca-at Par-taay...

Xander

Hang on. Go time.

"Cat Party." "Welcome to five months ago!"

Xander

Welcome to "shut up, I'm on the phone"!

I'm down with "Dog Party" now.

Do-og Par-taay...

Mother!

Evelyn!

Xander

Evelyn?!

It's a man's name!