Daphne Moon quotes from Frasier

Daphne

[about Niles's longtime crush on her] I can't very well discuss it with Dr. Crane; he's so close to Dr. Crane. If I told him, he might tell Dr. Crane, and then Dr. Crane might feel embarrassed.

Roz

[sarcastically] Yeah. Why confuse things?

Daphne

Donny had to fly out to Florida. His grandmother. She'd do anything to come between us.

Martin

What'd she do this time?

Daphne

She died.

Daphne

He's with Donny. They went to a tractor pull.

Niles

(as though understanding) Oh...

Daphne

As I understand it, they attach a large weight to a tractor, and see how far they can pull it through the mud.

Niles

(as though understanding) Oh...

Daphne

The answer to your next question is, "beats the hell out of me!"

Frasier

Say, you know my agent, Bebe, said she might be stopping by. Have you heard anything?

Daphne

No, and I hope she's not staying for lunch, I'm afraid we're fresh out of live mice.

Daphne

Yes, I guess they got some take-out.

Frasier

It looked like a Kung Pao bomb went off!

Frasier

[furious] Somebody blabbed, didn't they? Why can't people just keep their mouths shut! Who was it? Dad? Roz?

Daphne

You.

Frasier

What?

Niles

Fasten your seat belt, Daphne.

Daphne

Fasten yours, Niles!

Daphne

Well, I'm glad I went to three different stores to find your organic furniture polish.

Frasier

Well, Daphne, chin up. You can always use it to polish the floors.

Daphne

Oh yes. When God closes a door he opens a window(!)

Manchester, right?

Daphne

Is it that obvious?

To me it is. My mum's from Manchester. Used to scream her lungs out for United.

Daphne

Is that so? My Uncle Jack once tried to get Bobby Charlton's autograph, until Bobby cracked him over the head with a can of lager. Twelve stitches, and he still has the can!

Daphne

Christmas is about more than beer, Mr Crane.

Niles

Yeah, and this year's extra special 'cos Daphne and I are together.

Martin

Well, that's true. No more Mel, no Maris, no Lilith...Maybe I won't need beer this Christmas.

Oh, this is gonna be a whole new experience for me.

Daphne

Why, you've never been bored before?

Martin

What happened?

Niles

Oh, Daphne tripped on something and fell.

Martin

Where's Eddie? Oh my god, Eddie! Eddie! (Eddie runs into the scene and jumps on the couch) (Martin sighs of relief) Oh, there he is. I thought maybe he ran away or something.

Niles

Oh darling, look at that, your ankle's swelling up already. (Points to it)

Daphne

It's the other one!

Martin

Here, let me give you a hand.

Daphne

Yeah, and no cracks, old man! I know I've gotten heavy and I've resolved to do something about it.

Martin

All right, on three. One, two, three! (Martin and Niles lift without results) Maybe the super has a hand truck.

Daphne

Kill me!

Frasier

(enters) Good lord, what happened?

Niles

Daphne twisted her ankle and fell. Come help us lift her.

Martin

Okay, boys, be careful. Use your legs. (The Crane men lift Daphne up)

Daphne

Oh, bloody hell! I'm wearing two different shoes!

Martin

Daphne, I just thought of somethin' funny: It took three Cranes to lift you!

Niles

I can't read minds, you know. And by the way, neither can you!

Daphne

Are you saying you don't think I'm psychic?!

Niles

Not if you thought I loved your cooking!

Daphne

Well, I'm sorry it's not that hoity-toity crap you eat!

Niles

What does that mean? You, you think I'm pretentious?

Daphne

You'd eat a worm if I gave it a French name!

Niles

Well fine! If that's the way you feel, maybe I'll just have dinner by myself! (Storms out of the apartment)

Daphne

Well, good! It'll spare you the hell that's my cooking! (Heads back for her room)

Niles

(Hurries back in through the door, Daphne turns back) I am so sorry! I love you so much! (Runs into Daphne's arms, they embrace) I didn't mean any of those things!

Daphne

Yes you did. And I did too. You’re a pretentious snob, with your wine and your opera.

Niles

YOU NEVER GIVE OPERA A CHANCE! You're too judgmental.

Daphne

And you're a clean freak.

Niles

Well...I hate your unicorn collection.

Daphne

And I hate that your closet is bigger than mine!

Niles

Well...you're too tall!

Daphne

You're too short. (They kiss passionately)

Daphne

Sorry, Dr. Morey. We've wasted your time.

It's OK. Eddie told me a couple of funny jokes while we were waiting.

I'm kidding!...They weren't that funny.

Niles

I'd hardly call this a dog park. (looks around) It's more like a dog...orgy. Whose beagles are those?

Daphne

Don't stare. It only encourages them.