Niles Crane quotes from Frasier

Niles

So, he's not the conductor of the Buenos Aires Philharmonic?

Frasier

Oh, you are so "that other one"!

You didn't take her with you to Africa, surely?

Niles

Well, she has family there.

Niles

I grant you, it's at an early stage.

Frasier

What stage? Research and development?

Niles

A brisk game of squash would be the best thing for you. I can't think of a better way to lift your spirits.

Good morning.

Frasier

Keep thinking.

Frasier

This is a disaster!

Niles

What is?

Hi, Niles.

Niles

Oh, I'm up to speed!

Niles

[excited] I think I know who this person is.

Daphne

You do?

Niles

Yes.

Daphne

Well, I don't see how you could. I couldn't tell myself. He was standing in the shadows and I couldn't see his face. All I could make out was that he was wearing a red bow tie.

Niles

I don't have a... [realizes] clue why anyone would wear such a thing to a wedding.

Niles

She's so free, so spontaneous. She has breathed new life into me.

Frasier

You may have to return the favor.

Frasier

Frankly, I wish you'd start seeing someone about this bug phobia of yours.

Niles

It is not a phobia! I have a healthy fear of our natural predators. It's us versus them, and frankly, I'm starting to wonder just whose side you're on!

Niles

Frasier, do you remember the time the Kreizel brothers tied me to their Great Dane and lobbed meatballs down their gravel driveway?

Frasier

I told you, Niles: I would have helped you, but their sister was holding me down.

Niles

You conniving copy-cat! You have to have whatever I have.

Frasier

I do not have what you have; my audience is twice as large as yours is!

Niles

Oh well, at least my audience can read!

Frasier

How dare you review my audience!

Frasier

We've got to plan for it. We must all be prepared when the cold hand of death comes knocking on our door.

Frasier

Would you get that?

Niles

I most certainly will not.

Niles

Are you alright?

Frasier

Yes. Thank Heaven your fist softened the blow of the airbag!

Niles

Well, I learned if you kiss her too fast you get an ice cream headache.

Lilith

You also learned that I have twice your upper body strength, so shut your pie hole!

Frasier

Was that so hard?

Daphne

Beautiful job carving that turkey, Dr. Crane.

Niles

Well, I picked up a thing or two in medical school. In case you're wondering, this bird appears to have died of a massive head trauma.

Frasier

No one's going to sell me on anything. Those exercises only help people who lack self-awareness. I, for one, am...[winces in pain] God Almighty!

Niles

[sarcastically] Well, no wonder you're stressed; you've got a whole universe to run!