Frasier Crane quotes from Frasier

Frasier

You are looking at that rarest of beasts: the arachno-acro-agoraphobe!

Frasier

I've had enough easy goodbyes, I'm kind of glad to have the chance to have another tough one.

Frasier

[Last lines on his KACL talk show] For eleven years you've heard me say, "I’m listening." Well, you were listening, too. And for that I am eternally grateful. Goodnight, Seattle.

Niles

I thought you liked my Maris!

Frasier

I do, I... I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun... except without the warmth.

Frasier

the rest of the show was pretty good. It was a good show, wasn't it.

Roz

Here, your brother called.

Frasier

Roz in the trade we call that avoidance. Don't change the subject. Tell me what you think.

Roz

Did I ever tell you what this little button does?

Frasier

I am not a piece of Lalique. I can handle criticism. How was I today?

Roz

Let's see. You dropped two commercials, you left a total of 28 seconds of dead air, you scrambled the stations call letters, you spilt yoghurt on the control board and you kept referring to Jerry with the identity crisis, as "Jeff".

Frasier

You say my brother called.

Roz

Ever heard of Lupe Velez?

Frasier

Who?

Roz

Lupe Velez, the movie star in the '30s. Well, her career hit the skids, so she decided she'd make one final stab at immortality. She figured if she couldn't be remembered for her movies, she'd be remembered for the way she died. And all Lupe wanted was to be remembered. So, she plans this lavish suicide - flowers, candles, silk sheets, white satin gown, full hair and makeup, the works. She takes the overdose of pills, lays on the bed, and imagines how beautiful she's going to look on the front page of tomorrow's newspaper. Unfortunately, the pills don't sit well with the enchilada combo plate she sadly chose as her last meal. She stumbles to the bathroom, trips and goes head-first into the toilet, and that's how they found her.

Frasier

Is there a reason you're telling me this story?

Roz

Yes. Even though things may not happen like we planned, they can work out anyway.

Frasier

Remind me again how it worked for Lupe, last seen with her head in the toilet.

Roz

All she wanted was to be remembered. Will you ever forget that story?

Frasier

Thanks, Niles. You are a good brother and a credit to the psychiatric profession.

Niles

You're a good brother, too.

Niles

So, how's Father?

Frasier

Do you mean the man who's driving me crazy?

Frasier

Or do you mean the man who drove me out of my own home?!

Niles

And how's work?

Frasier

I just don't think it's very smart to make rude gestures at other drivers.

Martin

He cut you off!

Frasier

That doesn't matter. You do not antagonise a man whose bumper sticker says: "If you're close enough to read this, I'll kill you!"

Martin

Big talk from a Volvo.

Niles

Sorry I'm late, Frasier. Just as we were leaving, Maris had a run-in with a rude directory assistance operator, and it shattered her calm.

Frasier

You know, Niles, have you ever considered that maybe Maris is a bit high-strung, that maybe she should see someone?

Niles

She's seen everyone. Why do you think she was calling directory assistance?

Roz

So, I step out of the shower, I look out of the window and I notice the garbage man looking right in at me. So I say, "Did you get a good look?" And he says, "Not completely, turn around." Then he smiled, and he's missing a tooth, and that's when the romance went right out of it for me.

Frasier

Roz, why are you telling me this story?

Roz

I'm trying to take your mind of the fact that in five minutes you're going to walk right out into that square and get your clock cleaned.

Frasier

Well, has it ever occurred to you that I might actually win this fight?

Roz

Your shoe's untied.

Roz

If you fell for that one, you're going down and you're going down hard.

Niles

Who knows why anybody does anything?

Frasier

[looks incredulously at him] Remind me again what you do for a living.

Frasier

How can anyone make a sound judgement about another person on the basis of one phone call?

Niles

[looks back] Remind me again what it is you do for a living.

Frasier

By the way, where's Maris? I haven't seen her all night.

Niles

She's on your bed.

Frasier

My bed?

Niles

Yes, she's asleep under the guests' coats. She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.

Frasier

God, I hate lawyers.

Niles

Me, too. But they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance and they never get better.