Frasier Crane quotes from Frasier

Niles

My wife is alive! She's in Antwerp having her elbows done!

Frasier

Oh, give it up, Niles. Even I didn't believe that one!

Niles

L'Chaim! Mazal Tov! Next year in Jerusalem!

Frasier

[quietly] Take it down a notch, Tevye.

Frasier

Niles, why don't you see if you can go help Dad in the kitchen?

Niles

Oh, all right, but he'll probably just kvetch at me and frankly I don't need the tsuris…

Frasier

Niles! [mouths] Half that!

Frasier

For the next couple of days, you're going to hear some rather nasty stories and some snide jokes about your old man.

Frederick

Mom's coming?

Roz

I'm impressed you're so good at charades.

Frasier

I'm impressed you could mime a virgin.

Roz

You mean, like, in forty years, if neither one of us finds anyone…

Frasier

Yeah, exactly, we'll marry each other.

Roz

I was gonna say kill each other.

Frasier

Six of one...

Frasier

Dad, we are talking about perjury! When is that ever acceptable?

Martin

Oh, you want an example? Fine! Let's say, uh, what if there was a comet hurtling towards the earth...

Frasier

Oh, for God's sake!

Martin

And you were the only person who could save the earth, but the only way to do it is by lying under oath. Would you do it then?

Frasier

Who am I lying to, the comet?

Martin

Oh, just answer the question!

Frasier

All right, I suppose in certain extreme cases...

Martin

So, then you'd lie?

Frasier

To save mankind from a talking comet, yes!

Frasier

I can't believe you're being so casual about this. You realise your asking me to do something entirely unethical?

Martin

Oh for God's sake. Nobody's even going to know!

Frasier

That's the point! Ethics are what we do when no-one else is looking. For heaven's sake I learned that from you. Are you saying you wouldn't have any trouble with this?

Martin

Let me tell you something. One time when I was on the force I saw a guy shoot somebody. When we caught him I started to read him his rights. But he slipped out of his cuffs and he swung at me so I didn't have a chance to finish. Two months later, I'm on the stand and his lawyer asks me if I read him his rights in full. Now, if I say no, this guy walks. And this guy's been in and out of jail all his life; he could have read me his rights. So I say "Yes, I did, I read them in full." I lied under oath. Now you might think I did an unethical thing but there's not a doubt in my mind that I did the right thing.

Martin

Well, come on, Frasier, let's go get a nice Sloppy joe. I'll pay for it.

Frasier

Something tells me I'll pay for it too.

Niles

This is absurd! Why don't we just call Allison up and ask her what she thinks is so strange about us? We can both get on an extension.

Frasier

(sarcastic) Better yet, why don't we just get on a bicycle built for two, ride over there and ask her what's so strange about us.

Niles

So, he's not the conductor of the Buenos Aires Philharmonic?

Frasier

Oh, you are so "that other one"!

Niles

I grant you, it's at an early stage.

Frasier

What stage? Research and development?

Frasier

Mrs. Mulhern. [Mrs. Mulhern goes into the radio booth and stands behind Nora].

You little whore! [Four sets of jaws drop — Frasier's, Roz's, George's and Nora's].

MOTHER!

So, you thought you could get away from me, did you? Thought you could leave me to rot in that dump without barely enough cash for a bottle of Mateus! You'll pay for that, missy!

Roz

[jumping for joy] I was wrong, Frasier! Your way is better! [Frasier tries to enter the booth].

Frasier

Mrs. Mulhern— [She shoves him out and locks the door].

Keep out of this!

Mother, please! I am doing my show!

Yes, you're Little Miss Perfect now, aren't you? Telling everybody else how wicked they are! They should hear about your past! [Frasier tries to enter through the other door].

Frasier

Mrs. Mulhern, please! [She shoves him out and locks the other door].

The shame you brought on me, you ungrateful tramp!

[crying] Mother, please, I'm a good girl now.

How you were paid — paid! — to leave town, by that nice boy's family.

Frasier

For God's sake, Nora, go to a commercial!

There, Seattle, now you know what I mean when I say there are some people you just don't need in your life! [goes to commercial] Help me out, George! [She throws off her headphones and rushes into the producer's booth].

What are they paying you here? I want my cut! [George closes the door and fights to hold it shut].

I knew that you hated me, but I just can't believe you could be so cruel!

Frasier

I was trying to help! She seemed delightful on the phone!

[knocking on the glass] I want fifty dollars right now!

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO MOVE BEFORE I'M FINALLY RID OF HER?! [She runs out into the hallway. Mrs. Mulhern goes out the other door to head her off].

Frasier

[yelling after her] Nora, I'm sorry!

[yelling after her] You owe me, missy! I gave you life! [Nora screams like a madwoman while George runs out after them]].

Roz

Frasier, we've got dead air! [Frasier goes into the radio booth while Roz shuts the doors and grabs some carts]

Frasier

[hits "On Air"] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm sure Dr. Nora's listeners join me in hoping she and her mother can resolve these differences very soon. They're off to a bit of a bumpy start. [Nora screams again as the chase takes them by the booth].

Frasier

But at least the lines of communication are open.

Niles

A brisk game of squash would be the best thing for you. I can't think of a better way to lift your spirits.

Good morning.

Frasier

Keep thinking.

Frasier

This is a disaster!

Niles

What is?

Hi, Niles.

Niles

Oh, I'm up to speed!