A character in Flight of the Conchords
Played by Bret McKenzie
Flight of the Conchords · 53 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Flight of the Conchords: in 40 of its 53 quotes
Most scenes with: Jemaine (33), Murray Hewitt (14), Dave (2)
Okay, band meeting. Murray, present. Bret, present. Jemaine, present. Alright, I haven't got time for your time-wasting. I have good news, I have booked our biggest tour ever.
BretThe Grand Canyon one?
Well, it wouldn't have to be that big to be our biggest tour ever.
I'm so angry, I feel like swearing.
BretOh, Murray, you wouldn't swear at us.
Go fuck yourself, Bret!
You don't even know anything about threesomes.
BretHave you ever had a threesome?
Nearly.
BretWhat do you mean, nearly?
I've had a twosome.
BretWow. What was that like?
Great. I've done it several times, man.
BretJust one of you here... and then one.. Oh well then, I've had a twosome!
BretOkay, I'm just going to say, "Dear Todd, thank you very much, but you can't be in the band anymore."
Umm. I don't think you should do it, man. You're too easily offended.
BretI can't believe you just said that.
BretTodd's not cool.
What do you mean? He's cooler than both of you put together. Look at him over there with all his friends. He's like the Pied Piper of cool. Pied Piper was cool wasn't he?
BretPied Piper wasn't cool, he took all those kids into a cave.
No, I mean before that phase; when it was just the rats.
Women love weaving, they love to weave.
BretNo, weaving is a man's game.
Bret, you put a woman in front of weaving machine and just watch her go.
BretNo, honestly, my Dad weaves, my grandfather was a weaver... I come from a family of weavers.
I've never seen a man weave.
BretI love weaving. I'm weaving at the moment, making a pair of trousers.
Bret, could you get a pencil out of my stationery cabinet, please?
BretWhere's that?
Just the glove box.
BretIt's ringing.
Oh, no, not me. I'm a pushover.
BretNo.
I'll just agree to everything.
BretYou're good. It's ringing.
[[Jemaine shoots Bret a dirty look and answers the phone]
Hello? Yes, I'm calling on behalf of my band... Uh, there's two of us... Non-smoking... Cool, yeah... Um... Yeah, 8:30's fine... [to Bret] Herbert... 8:30... [to the phone] Thank you, yes, I'm looking forward to it. Thank you.
BretSweet.
No, I just made a reservation for two at 8:30. You should call, I think.
[[Bret dials the phone]
Bret[to Jemaine] No-one can understand me. [to the person over the phone] Hi, I'm wondering if you have any gigs available?... Wondering if you have any gigs available?... Gigs. Gigs. For a band?... Yeah... A band. We're a band. A band?... Yeah. Uh... A- a bowl of tuna salad?... Great, okay, um... it's Bret. B... [He pronounces "r" as "ah"] R... R... R... R!... R!!!...
[quietly] There's too many "r" s...
BretR- Ah-rr... E-T. Yes... That's... OK, that's good.
[quietly] And Jemaine...
BretYes, Jemaine is the other guy. Jemaine. Jemaine. Ah, don't- don't worry, just- just use my name... You'll meet him tonight.
[Leans over to look at Bret's cup] What's that?
BretIt's a cup.
What, a new cup?
BretYeah. I got a new cup. Do you like it?
We've got a cup.
BretI know, we've got one cup. We needed two cups.
Why would we need two cups?
BretSo I can have a cup of tea at the same time as you.
Bret, do you even pay any attention to the cup roster?
BretYour cup roster? That means I can't drink a cup of tea between seven and nine P.M.
Well, I have it until nine o'clock and then you get it for two hours. Then I use it from eleven 'till one... Then you use it from one 'till three—
BretI know, but I have to wait until one if I want another cup.
...And then we give the cup a rest.
Bret...It was only $2.79.
$2.79?
BretYeah, I thought that was quite good.
[sighs] Okay, well, I just need a second to calm down.
Bret...Well that's alright, isn't it?
I suppose...
[One Month Later]
Bret... Bret!
Bret[playing guitar] Uh-huh?
Our check for the phone bill bounced. Says here, in our bank statement, that our account was short... By $2... and 79 cents... How much was that cup again?
Bret2.79.
[smugly] Oh? That's quite interesting, isn't it? ...Well, because our check bounced we got charged a $30 overdraft fee. Which made our gas bill bounce.
BretYep, that's boring, man.
Yes, but the point is because of your $2.79 spending spree, we now owe $60, and our phone and gas are gonna be cut off.
Bret[sarcastically] Interesting.
[All of the lights go out]
BretAh. We got a letter from the electricity company.
What did it say...?
Bret...I didn't read it.
Bret, you should have a guitar.
BretI sold it to pay the bills.
You can't go on like that! Won't it sound weird with just the big guitar that Jemaine plays?
Bass. It's called a bass guitar.
Well, I call it the '"Dad guitar" 'cause it's more like [deep voice] "Da da da da - I'm your Dad. Hey Murray, get into the shed and get the mower and do the lawns - de de de." You need Bret's "Mum guitar" to add the beautiful tones. [high voice] "Come on, darling, Murray's okay. Why you get home so late, Gordon?" [deep voice] "I was just havin' a few beers."
BretIt'll sound fine.
It won't sound fine, Bret, you've got no guitar! [Bret plays his air guitar] I can hardly hear it! You'd have to be deaf to hear that.
It's dark, Bret.
BretYeah, I know.
What expression is on your face?
BretUmm. Guilty expression. What expression is on your face?
Sad because we don't have any electricity, but satisfied because I was right about the cup.
BretThat's a weird expression.
[Murray has told the band that their lack of a guitar has given them bad reviews]
BretCan we use the emergency band funds to get my guitar back?
Well that's... Actually tied up in an investment at the moment.
What's this investment?
It's a friend of mine from Nigeria, Nigel Soladu.
When did you go to Nigeria?
Well, I didn't go. That's the best bit, Jemaine. He just randomly sent me an internet letter, offering me a business opportunity. And I went with it. In a few days time, he'll return the money I invested, plus 1000% interest [Bret and Jemaine shake their heads in disbelief] and a share in his family fortunes.
It's a scam.
[Outraged] It is not a scam! Why would someone want to scam me, Jemaine!? And on the internet service, one of the trusted... things of today's society!
[Brett has informed Murray that Jemaine is prostituting himself. A middle-aged African gentleman in a suit, who has been sitting quietly behind Murray the the entire time, tuts disapprovingly]
Jemaine shouldn't be doing this.
Indeed, he should not.
BretWell... [to Murray] Murray, who's... who's this guy?
Oh, this is Nigel Soladu. He's my new business partner.
Bret[Surprised] From the internet?
Yes! Can you imagine it? Out of the hundreds of people using he internet, only I was willing to help him.
Oh, I've got another note here. "Dissing" — does that make any sense to you?
Bret dissed a lot of people in that rap thing that he did.
Who were these people you were dissing? The only one I could make out was Snoopy! What's your problem with him?
BretNo, Snoop Dogg.
Yeah, I know he's a dog, Bret. I'm not totally in the dark ages. I do go out every once in a while. But, Snoopy's lovable! Leave him alone.
BretNo, he's a rapper. They're all rappers. I was dissing rappers.
Well, just keep your dissing private, okay?
Bret?... Bret?... Bret?... Bret!
[Bret wakes with a start and sits bolt upright, hands ready to karate chop someone]
BretPlease don't chop off my penis!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Flight of the Conchords pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
