Jemaine quotes from Flight of the Conchords

Mel

[about her hideous painting of Jemaine] You should hang it on your wall so you can see how big and powerful you are, like Ra - the sun god Ra. You're like a pharaoh.

Jemaine

I'm not as muscly as that.

Yeah, that's what I said.

Mel

Be quiet, Doug!

Jemaine

Yeah, be quiet, Doug.

Jemaine

Bret?... Bret?... Bret?... Bret!

Bret

Please don't chop off my penis!

Bret

[Phone rings] Hello. Bret speaking.

Jemaine

Bret, it's Jemaine speaking.

Bret

Oh, hey, man. Where are you? Did you run away?

Jemaine

No, I went home with a girl.

Bret

What?

Jemaine

Bret... I think she might be Australian.

Bret

Are you sure she's Australian?

Jemaine

Either she's Australian, or sh-she really likes Australia.

Bret

Ugh! You gotta get outta there! Just get outta there!

Jemaine

I-I'm locked in, she's trapped me.

Bret

I'm not surprised... Okay, erm... Keep calm, jump out of the window.

Jemaine

Good idea... Oh, it's too high!

Bret

Okay, well do one of those dive rolls... When you land.

Jemaine

Okay, I'll try.

[strong Aussie accent] G'day.

Jemaine

Oh... Hey...

Jesus... Got a tongue like a badger's arsehole. What'cha doing there, big J?

Jemaine

Just talking to a friend of mine.

Bret

[over the phone] Don't talk to her! She's definitely Australian...

Jemaine

I'm not sure I got your name.

It's Keitha.

Jemaine

... Pardon?

Keitha

Keitha.

Jemaine

[confused] Keitha?

Keitha

Yeah, it's like Keith. But with an 'a' at the end. I was named after mi'dad.

Jemaine

Umm...

Bret

She's got a man's name!

Jemaine

Keitha, that's a lovely name...

Keitha

So, how about we go back to bed?

Bret

Definitely don't do that!

Jemaine

Uhm... [Exhales deeply] ...No, I can't.

Keitha

[Disappointed] Oh.

Jemaine

Would you be able to... unlock the door?

Bret

I would never go out with an Australian!

Jemaine

But if you were to, I would be fine with it.

Bret

When I first met you you tried to have me deported from New Zealand because you thought I was an Australian.

Jemaine

That was a misunderstanding; you were wearing a vest top.

Bret

My mum gave me that; thought it made me look like Bruce Willis.

Jemaine

Well it didn't, it made you look like an Australian.

Bret

Did she sound Australian? Australian accent?

Jemaine

Yes, yes.

Bret

What did it sound like?

Jemaine

Kind of like an evil version of our accent.

Bret

Did you use protection?

Jemaine

Yes, but only on my penis.

Keitha

[Strong Aussie accent] Mum says I sound like Marilyn Monroe.

Murray

[To Bret] Did you catch that?

Keitha

What? Are you deaf? Marilyn Monroe.

Murray

Oh, Marilyn Monroe.

Keitha

Yeah.

Bret

What about her?

Keitha

I talk like her now!

Jemaine

She sounds like her.

Murray

Yeah, she does a bit.

Keitha

[annoyed] I talk like her now...

Murray

Yeah, I suppose if you squint your ears...

Dave

Okay, they're gone.

Jemaine

Thank you, Dave.

Dave

Yeah, don't worry about it, guys. I just think it's really cool that you love each other, even though you're from Austria and you're from some place no one's even fucking heard of.

Keitha

Australia.

Jemaine

New Zealand.

Dave

Exactly. Because it shouldn't matter where you're from when love's involved. It's like that movie "Interracial Hole Stretchers 2" — she was white; they were black. But it didn't matter in the end, did it? Because they were in love.

Jemaine

I haven't... I haven't seen that one.

Dave

Well, it really affected me.

Bret

Send a cheque in a letter to make a Setter feel better.

Jemaine

Come on, make a donation to save a shakin' Dalmatian.

Jemaine

Bret, are you rehearsing Paul Simon's solo stuff?

Bret

... No.

Bret

I've got a girlfriend.

Dave

No!

Bret

Well, no. Not really a girlfriend. She doesn't know I exist.

Dave

But you do, you do exist, don't you? [pokes Bret]

Bret

Yeah, I exist.

Dave

'Cause you guys said you didn't exist before.

Jemaine

Yeah, we exist.

Dave

Why did you tell me you were from Never Neverland?

Jemaine

New Zealand.

Dave

But you said you guys flew here!

Jemaine

On a plane. On a plane, Dave.