So he wouldn't serve us basically just because we're from New Zealand.
JemaineIs that the norm?
Well, you guys are in America now, and there's a lot of prejudism here. Especially towards people like you.
What do you mean, people like us?
You know, the English and what not, red coats, the oppressors...
Jemaine
We're not English.
Be that as it may Jemaine, you're pretty much the most disliked race in this whole country.
Jemaine
What about black people?
Dave They don't like you either. Neither do the Chinese, the Asians, Polish, Russian, Croatians, even the Indians.
Yeah, but Dave, you're Indian. D'you hate us?
Jemaine
But you're our best friend.
Jemaine
It doesn't matter what country someone's from, or what they look like, or the color of their skin. It doesn't matter what they smell like, or that they spell words slightly differently...some would say, more correctly.
Jemaine
Let me finish. I'm a person. Bret's a person. You're a person. That person over there is a person. And each person deserves to be treated like a person.
SSinjay
That's a great speech. Too bad New Zealanders are a bunch of cocky a-holes descended from criminals and retarded monkeys.
Jemaine
No you're thinking of Australians.
SSinjay
No, no, no, New Zealanders. You throw another shrimp on the barbie and ride around on your kangaroos all day.
No, no, no, that's Australians.
Jemaine
You're thinking of Australians. That's not us.
SSinjay
[Aghast] I've totally confused you with Australians? I - I feel terrible. Your accents sound similar.
Jemaine
No, no, our accents are completely different, they're like [high-pitched] "where's the car" and we're like [normal voice] "Where's the car."
SSinjay
You know what? Here, have some of my fruit, please, I feel terrible. [to Bret] You want that Red Delicious still?
Oh, I would love that Red Delicious, yeah.
SSinjay
[to Jemaine] You still want that banana?
Jemaine
Thank you, I would love that banana.
SSinjay
[handing him a red apple] This Red Delicious is on me.
Jemaine
Are you and Lisa gonna get married now?
I wish, but I don't know. She's got to go to war.
Jemaine
What?
Jemaine
Iraq?
Jemaine
Lisa?
Yes, she's in Delta Force. She's been deployed to Fallujah.
Jemaine
But she works in the croissant shop.
Yeah well, she's got two jobs. She's a pastry chef and a sniper.
Okay, band meeting. Murray, present. Bret, present. Jemaine, present. Alright, I haven't got time for your time-wasting. I have good news, I have booked our biggest tour ever.
Jemaine
Well, it wouldn't have to be that big to be our biggest tour ever.
Jemaine
You don't even know anything about threesomes.
Have you ever had a threesome?
Jemaine
Nearly.
What do you mean, nearly?
Jemaine
I've had a twosome.
Jemaine
Great. I've done it several times, man.
Just one of you here... and then one.. Oh well then, I've had a twosome!
Okay, I'm just going to say, "Dear Todd, thank you very much, but you can't be in the band anymore."
Jemaine
Umm. I don't think you should do it, man. You're too easily offended.
I can't believe you just said that.
Jemaine
Women love weaving, they love to weave.
No, weaving is a man's game.
Jemaine
Bret, you put a woman in front of weaving machine and just watch her go.
No, honestly, my Dad weaves, my grandfather was a weaver... I come from a family of weavers.
Jemaine
I've never seen a man weave.
I love weaving. I'm weaving at the moment, making a pair of trousers.
Jemaine
Oh, no, not me. I'm a pushover.
Jemaine
I'll just agree to everything.
You're good. It's ringing.
[[Jemaine shoots Bret a dirty look and answers the phone]
Jemaine
Hello? Yes, I'm calling on behalf of my band... Uh, there's two of us... Non-smoking... Cool, yeah... Um... Yeah, 8:30's fine... [to Bret] Herbert... 8:30... [to the phone] Thank you, yes, I'm looking forward to it. Thank you.
Jemaine
No, I just made a reservation for two at 8:30. You should call, I think.
[[Bret dials the phone]
[to Jemaine] No-one can understand me. [to the person over the phone] Hi, I'm wondering if you have any gigs available?... Wondering if you have any gigs available?... Gigs. Gigs. For a band?... Yeah... A band. We're a band. A band?... Yeah. Uh... A- a bowl of tuna salad?... Great, okay, um... it's Bret. B... [He pronounces "r" as "ah"] R... R... R... R!... R!!!...
Jemaine
[quietly] There's too many "r" s...
R- Ah-rr... E-T. Yes... That's... OK, that's good.
Jemaine
[quietly] And Jemaine...
Yes, Jemaine is the other guy. Jemaine. Jemaine. Ah, don't- don't worry, just- just use my name... You'll meet him tonight.
Jemaine
[Leans over to look at Bret's cup] What's that?
Jemaine
What, a new cup?
Yeah. I got a new cup. Do you like it?
Jemaine
We've got a cup.
I know, we've got one cup. We needed two cups.
Jemaine
Why would we need two cups?
So I can have a cup of tea at the same time as you.
Jemaine
Bret, do you even pay any attention to the cup roster?
Your cup roster? That means I can't drink a cup of tea between seven and nine P.M.
Jemaine
Well, I have it until nine o'clock and then you get it for two hours. Then I use it from eleven 'till one... Then you use it from one 'till three—
I know, but I have to wait until one if I want another cup.
Jemaine
...And then we give the cup a rest.
Jemaine
$2.79?
Yeah, I thought that was quite good.
Jemaine
[sighs] Okay, well, I just need a second to calm down.
...Well that's alright, isn't it?
Jemaine
I suppose...
[One Month Later]
Jemaine
Bret... Bret!
Jemaine
Our check for the phone bill bounced. Says here, in our bank statement, that our account was short... By $2... and 79 cents... How much was that cup again?
Jemaine
[smugly] Oh? That's quite interesting, isn't it? ...Well, because our check bounced we got charged a $30 overdraft fee. Which made our gas bill bounce.
Jemaine
Yes, but the point is because of your $2.79 spending spree, we now owe $60, and our phone and gas are gonna be cut off.
[sarcastically] Interesting.
[All of the lights go out]
Ah. We got a letter from the electricity company.
Jemaine
What did it say...?
Bret, you should have a guitar.
I sold it to pay the bills.
You can't go on like that! Won't it sound weird with just the big guitar that Jemaine plays?
Jemaine
Bass. It's called a bass guitar.
Well, I call it the '"Dad guitar" 'cause it's more like [deep voice] "Da da da da - I'm your Dad. Hey Murray, get into the shed and get the mower and do the lawns - de de de." You need Bret's "Mum guitar" to add the beautiful tones. [high voice] "Come on, darling, Murray's okay. Why you get home so late, Gordon?" [deep voice] "I was just havin' a few beers."
It won't sound fine, Bret, you've got no guitar! [Bret plays his air guitar] I can hardly hear it! You'd have to be deaf to hear that.
Jemaine
It's dark, Bret.
Jemaine
What expression is on your face?
Umm. Guilty expression. What expression is on your face?
Jemaine
Sad because we don't have any electricity, but satisfied because I was right about the cup.
That's a weird expression.
[Murray has told the band that their lack of a guitar has given them bad reviews]
Can we use the emergency band funds to get my guitar back?
Well that's... Actually tied up in an investment at the moment.
Jemaine
What's this investment?
It's a friend of mine from Nigeria, Nigel Soladu.
Jemaine
When did you go to Nigeria?
Well, I didn't go. That's the best bit, Jemaine. He just randomly sent me an internet letter, offering me a business opportunity. And I went with it. In a few days time, he'll return the money I invested, plus 1000% interest [Bret and Jemaine shake their heads in disbelief] and a share in his family fortunes.
Jemaine
It's a scam.
[Outraged] It is not a scam! Why would someone want to scam me, Jemaine!? And on the internet service, one of the trusted... things of today's society!
Oh, you're like a samurai, like a massage samurai.
Jemaine
I'm just patting you.
Oh I feel like I've hired a gigolo. Haha! I'm just kidding I would never hire— I mean I would. [turns to jemaine] I would, I would pay you so much money... That's not who I am, that's not what I'm about. Heh, I'm joking. I'm not. I am. I'm not.
Oh, I've got another note here. "Dissing" — does that make any sense to you?
Jemaine
Bret dissed a lot of people in that rap thing that he did.
Who were these people you were dissing? The only one I could make out was Snoopy! What's your problem with him?
Yeah, I know he's a dog, Bret. I'm not totally in the dark ages. I do go out every once in a while. But, Snoopy's lovable! Leave him alone.
No, he's a rapper. They're all rappers. I was dissing rappers.
Well, just keep your dissing private, okay?
Flight of the Conchords · 53 quotes
