River Tam quotes from Firefly

Simon

Could you not do that while we're… ever?

Wash

So, two days in a hospital? That's awful! Don't you just hate doctors?

Simon

Hey!

Wash

I mean, present company excluded.

Jayne

Let's not be excludin' people. [grins] That'd be rude.

River

He looks better in red.

River

No! No! No. They come out of the black. They come when you call.

Simon

River, it's okay— it's, it's over. We're leaving.

River

Your toes are in the sand.

Jayne

And your head's up your—

Simon

Hey! Back off.

Simon

Still... I appreciate you trying.

Jayne

You know what I'd appreciate? You stop flapping that pretty mouth at me. I'm trying to figure a way out of here. I can't do it with you yammerin'.

River

They took Christmas away.

Jayne

What the hell now?

River

I came downstairs for the shiny presents. They took the tree and the stockings. Nothing left but coal.

Jayne

[to Simon] Would you shut her up?

River

Don't look in the closet either. It's greedy. It's not in the spirit of the holiday.

Jayne

You shut the hell up right now, or so help me, I will shut you up.

Simon

I brought some medicine. Do you remember why we went to hospital?

River

It's time to go to sleep again.

Simon

No, mei-mei. [holds River's hand gently.] It's time to wake up.

Simon

Whoa. Mei-mei. How you doin'?

River

I threw up.

Simon

Mmm...I'm sorry, it's a side effect. We just have to find the right treatment for you. How do you feel now?

River

Going. Going back, like apple bits, coming back up. [shakes head] Chaos.

Simon

But you felt okay this morning?

River

[smiles wanly] Played with Kaylee. The sun came out, and… I walked on my feet, and… heard with my ears. I ate the bits. The bits did stay down. And I work. I...function like I'm a girl. [sobs] I hate it because I know it'll go away! [sobs] The sun grows dark, and chaos is come again. [sobs] Bits… fluids! [sniffs] What am I?

Simon

Shh-shh...:[Simon hugs River reassuringly.] You...are my beautiful sister.

River

I... I threw up on your bed.

Simon

[Simon winces, then smiles.] Yup. Definitely my sister. [River smiles and chuckles while still crying into Simon's shoulder.]

River

She's a liar.

Jayne

That don't exactly set her apart from the rest of us. The plunder sounds fun enough.

River

She's a liar, and no good will come of her.

Jayne

Well, as a rule, I say, girlfolk ain't to be trusted.

River

[grinning] "Jayne" is a girl's name.

Jayne

Well, Jayne ain't a girl! She starts in on that girl's-name thing, [reaches into his pants] I'll show her good 'n' all, I got man parts!

Simon

I'm... trying to think of a way for you to be cruder. I just... it's not coming.

River

Afraid.

Simon

We'll be okay. Why the captain is trusting that BOO hway-HUN duh PUO-foo is beyond—

River

Not her. Jayne.

Simon

Afraid? Since when?

River

Since Ariel. Afraid we'll know.

Jayne

[mumbling] Is [s]pine okay?

Simon

How much did they offer you to sell out me and River on Ariel?

Jayne

[mumbling] Das crazy talk.

Simon

Then let's talk crazy. How much?

Jayne

[mumbling] Anybody there?

Jayne

[mumbling] Anybody else?

Simon

No matter what you do, or say or plot, no matter how you come down on us… I will never, ever harm you. You're on this table, you're safe. 'Cause I'm your medic, and however little we may like or trust each other, we're on the same crew. Got the same troubles, same enemies, and more than enough of both. Now, we could circle each other and growl, sleep with one eye open, but that thought wearies me. I don't care what you've done, I don't know what you're planning on doing, but I'm trusting you. I think you should do the same. 'Cause I don't see this working any other way.

River

Also... I can kill you with my brain.

River

My food is problematic.

Jayne

Girl's a mind-readin' genius, can't even figure out how to eat an ice planet.

Inara

How many babies have you actually delivered?

Simon

As the primary? This would be the first. You?

Inara

My first, too.

River

Mine, too.

River

Who do you think is in there?

Kaylee

You couldn't possibly!

Simon

No, I wish I was lying, I just...You know, we'd all just made surgeon. That was it, we were the elite. The world was ours, you know?

Kaylee

So you had to be naked?

Simon

Naked. Yes. And, uh, on top of the statue of Hippocrates. (they laugh) Can't you just picture me?

Kaylee

What, naked? Oh, well, hmm, mmm...Let's see, I'mma have to conjure up a...yeah, that's, that's gonna be difficult...(laughs and pokes him in the cheek with her foot) So did the feds come?

Simon

There were no feds. (grins) Until I started singing.

Kaylee

Oh, no! (cracks up)

Simon

This is not--

Kaylee

What did you sing?

Simon

This is not funny. This, this is a morality tale about the evils of sake.

I would be there right now.

Simon

I really miss...It was, it was either that or the national anthem. I, reports vary...

Kaylee

You don't remember any of this?

Simon

I remember talking the feds out of telling my father. Or, or paying the feds out of telling my father. I get fuzzy on the aspect...

Jayne

So like, never?

Book

Well, no.

Jayne

Not ever ever?

Book

Some orders allow shepherds to marry, but I follow a narrower path.

Jayne

But you still got the urge? They don't...cut it off or nothin'?

Book

No, I'm more or less intact. I just...direct my energy elsewhere.

Jayne

You mean like masturbatin'?

Book

I hope you're not thinking of taking orders yourself?

Jayne

Heheh, yeah, that's be the day.

I got stupid, the money was too good.

I don't give half a hump if you're innocent or not. So where does that put you?

Jayne

Saint Jayne, got a ring to it!

Book

I'm just trying to remember how many miracles you've performed.

Jayne

I once hit a guy in the neck from five hundred yards with a bent scope, don't that count upstairs?

Book

Oh, it'll be taken into consideration.

Jayne

You made that sound kinda ominous.

Mal

You know, the only thing you're gonna find in New Melborne is fish and fish-related activities, so unless you got the overwhelming urge to gut sturgeon--and who hasn't, occasionally--

Inara

But it's a layover point for almost every planet this side of the system. I could--I just don't want to draw this out.

Mal

Have you decided when you're gonna tell the others?

Inara

I...No. I appreciate your not saying anything.

Mal

Well, I don't. So make up your mind.

I'm a big girl, just tell me.

None of it means a damn thing.

River

It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think.

Mal

Fully loaded, safety off. This here is a recipe for unpleasantness. [to Simon] Does she understand that?

River

She understands. She doesn't comprehend.

Mal

Well, I'm glad we've made that distinction.

Alright, that's all the hide-and-seek I got time for. [shouting] I know you're on this ship, little girl! Here's how this goes: show yourself and finish this exchange, or your brother's brains'll be flyin' every whichaway! [normal tone] You understand, I'm sort of on the clock here, it's frustrating.

River

[over Serenity's intercom] You're wrong, Early.

I'm not wrong, dumpling, I will shoot your brother dead if you don't—

River

Wrong about River. River's not on the ship. They didn't want her here. But she couldn't make herself leave. So she melted. Melted away. They didn't know she could do that. But she did.

Not sure I take your meaning there.

River

I'm not on the ship. I'm in the ship. I am the ship.

Simon

River—

River

River's gone.

Then who exactly are we talking to?

River

Talking to Serenity. And Early? Serenity is very unhappy.

Mal

Ugh. What the hell's goin' on here?

I need you to do me a favor, captain.

Mal

There was a guy. He was very blurry. You gotta be careful. Ugh. How come there's a guy on board and how come you're all of a sudden the ship?

I know you have questions.

Mal

That would be why I just asked them.

But there isn't a lot of time, captain. I need you to trust me.

Mal

Am I dreamin'?

We all are.

Don't make faces.

River

I don't belong… dangerous, like you. Can't be controlled, can't be trusted. Everyone could just go on without me and not have to worry. People could be what they wanted to be… could be with the people they wanted… could live simple, no secrets.

Simon

No.

River

I'll be fine. I'll be your bounty, Jubal Early, and I'll just fade away.

River

Permission to come aboard?

Mal

You know, you ain't quite right.

River

[smiles] That's the popular theory.

Mal

Go on, get in there. Give your brother a thrashin' for messin' up your plan.

River

[tiredly] He takes so much looking after.

Mal

Anyone else has words, now would be the time.

River

I hate that color on you. I always have.