Scenes with Mal Reynolds 133
[Mal has explained Wash's desire to have the captain and Zoe sleep together to resolve "burning sexual tension".]
MalI know it's a... [puts Zoe's hands on his hip and shoulder] difficult mission, but you and I... [places his hands likewise on her] have to get it on.
I understand. We have no choice. [deadpan] Take me, sir. Take me hard.
[walking in] Well, somethin' about that is just downright unsettlin'.
(They lean in awkwardly to kiss, Wash grabs Zoe and pulls her away.)
We'll be in our bunk. (slaps Zoe's butt as they leave)
[sniffing] Oh, hey— [smacks Mal in the chest where he was tortured] free soup.
[Mal groans in pain.]
[As Saffron rummages through her purse, Malcolm puts a gun to her head.]
Mal
You're gonna want to pull your claw out of that bag, nice and slow.
Relax. I'm not going for a gun or anything.
[Saffron pulls out some lipstick.]
[Mal takes the lipstick from her and tosses it away.]
Mal
You and lipstick are a dangerous combination, if I recall.
. . .
[Mal frisks Saffron.]
Mal
Can't miss a place you've never been.
Mal
This is my scrap of nowhere. You go on, find your own.
You can't just leave me here on this lifeless piece-of-crap moon.
Mal
I can.
Mal
Well, as a courtesy, you might start getting busy on that, 'cause all this chatter ain't doin' me any kindness.
This was all your fault, you know. I had the perfect crime lined up.
Mal
Sure. You were gonna steal a man's beard.
No, you HOE-tze duh PEE-goo! A million-square job. The big time. I was gonna cut Monty and his crew in, but you screwed that royal.
Mal
Odd, but I don't think I'll be losing any sleep over it.
I've got the layout, entrance codes… Believe me, this practically robs itself, sweetheart.
Mal
Bye-bye, now.
[Inara cannot find work because Mal is avoiding central planets.]
Right, you're a criminal mastermind! What was the last cargo we snuck past the Alliance to transport?
Mal
That was a little dif—
Mal
[pauses, embarrassed] They were dolls.
They were little geisha dolls with big heads that wobbled!
Mal
Hey! People love those!
Well, since I can't seem to find work as Companion, I might as well become a petty thief like you!
[An uncomfortable silence descends for a moment.]
Mal
Petty?
Mal
What did you mean?
Mal
...That's Chinese for "petty".
Mal
Saffron has a notion we can walk right in there, take the Lassiter right off his shelf.
You're asking yourself if I've got the security codes, why don't I go in, grab it for myself?
No. Actually, I was wondering... what's she doing on this ship?
. . .
We're in space! How'd she get here?
Mal
She hitched.
I don't recall pulling over!
. . .
Okay. I got a question. If she's got the security codes, why don't she just walk in and grab it herself?
[sarcastically] Good point!
. . .
Mal
Zoe? You ain't said a word. Time to weigh in.
Take sounds ripe enough, assuming we can fence it.
I know a guy on Persephone. Already has half dozen buyers on the bid.
[She stands to face Saffron.]
Mal
I ain't asking you to trust her. I'll be with her on the inside the whole time.
See there? All you gotta do to be a rich woman, hon, is... get over it.
[Zoe belts Saffron, who falls to the floor.]
[Durran, yet another Saffron spouse (who calls her "Yolanda"), interrupts her as she holds a gun on Mal.]
Durran, this isn't what it looks like.
Mal
Unless... it looks like… we're stealing your priceless Lassiter, 'cause... that's what we're doing. Don't ask me about the gun, though, 'cause that's new.
DDurran
Well, I appreciate your honesty. Not, you know, a lot, but...
. . .
[As Saffron holds her gun on Durran, Mal draws a gun on Saffron.]
Mal
No one's killin' any folk today, on account o' we got a very tight schedule, Yo-Saff-Bridg.
DDurran
How long have you been with him?
Mal
Oh— pfft! We are not together.
Mal
Well, who in the damn galaxy ain't?!
. . .
[The police, whom Durran so wisely signalled for upon discovering "Yolanda", are arriving.]
Durran, peaches... just call them off. Tell them it was a mistake.
DDurran
You need help, Yolanda.
I'll do anything you want me to. You know how I can make you feel.
DDurran
Hmm. Please. You're embarrassing yourself.
[She spin-kicks him to the floor, knocking him unconscious.]
I'm embarrassing? Who's the dupe on the floor?
Mal
I hate to bring up our imminent arrest during your crazy time, but we gotta go.
[Saffron begins to cry quietly, apparently at the permanent loss of Durran.]
[Mal sadly shakes his head no, then nods.]
Mal
Little bit.
. . .
You won't tell anyone about me breaking down.
Mal
I won't.
Then I won't tell anyone how easily I got your gun out of your holster.
[She stands and points the gun at Mal.]
Mal
I'll take that as a kindness.
You just may be the most gullible fool I ever marked. And that makes you special.
[Return to the desert we saw at the beginning of the episode, with Mal sitting naked on the rock.]
Mal
Yeah. That went well.
[Inara walks up behind him.]
You call this going well?
Mal
We got the loot, didn't we?
Mal
Then I call this a win. What's the problem?
Shall I start with the part where you're stranded in the middle of nowhere, or the part where you have no clothes?
[Flashback to the war, where Zoe quietly kills a man about to shoot a private having a meal.]
Thanks. I didn't know you were out there.
Sort of the point. Stealth—you may have heard of it.
I don't think they covered that in basic.
Well, at least they covered "Dropping Your Weapon So You Can Eat Beans and Get Yourself Shot".
Yeah, I got a badge in that. [seriously] Won't happen again.
It does, I'm just gonna watch.
. . .
First rule of battle, little one… don't ever let them know where you are.
[Cut to Mal, firing behind himself as he runs toward the two.]
Mal
Whoo-hoo! I'm right here! I'm right here! You want some o' me?! Yeah you do! Come on! Come on ! Aaaaah!
[He lands with a grunt behind some nearby rubble.]
Mal
Whoo-hoo!
'Course, there're other schools of thought.
Mal
Tracey, ain't you dead yet?
Through no fault of my own, Sarge.
Mal
Aw... I really wanted your beans.
We're taking him on board?
Mal
We are.
Don't know if I see the percentage in that.
Mal
Then don't strain your brain trying. You might break something.
[Mal, Inara and Zoe are gathered around the table, laughing.]
Mal
I thought I was gonna die.
Mal
Oh, the colonel was dead drunk. Three hours pissin' on about the enlisted men. Uh, "they're scum", uh, "they're not fighters", and, uh... and then he passed right out—boom.
We couldn't even move him. So, uh, Tracey just... snipped it right off his face.
Mal
And you never seen a man more proud of his moustache than Colonel Obrin. I mean, in all my life, I will never love a woman the way this officer loved that lip ferret.
Big, walrus-y thing—all waxed up!
Mal
Oh! Next mornin', he wakes up, it's gone, and he is furious! But he can't just say, you know, "Someone stole my moustache!" So he, uh, calls together all the platoons…
We thought he was gonna shoot us!
Mal
...and, uh... Oh, he's eye-ballin' all the men somethin' fierce. Not a word. And he comes up to Tracey, and Tracey's wearing the gorram thing on his face!
Mal
He's starin' the old man down wearing his own damn moustache!
Firefly · 283 quotes
