Mal Reynolds quotes from Firefly

Jayne

Spry for a dead fella!

Tracey

Sarge?

Mal

Yeah?

Tracey

I think I'm naked.

Mal

You wanna explain to me exactly why you got yourself all corpsified and mailed to me?

Wash

Woo! This kind of flying really wakes up a guy!

Mal

Awake helps.

Mal

Hear that quiet? Means the call's already been made.

Tracey

Well, that call… that call means you just murdered me.

Mal

No, son. You murdered yourself. I just carried the bullet a while.

Inara

Hi.

Mal

BWAH!

Inara

[laughing] Sorry! Didn't mean to startle.

Mal

You didn't! I was just, uh… "BWAH!" That's more like a… It's a warrior like... Strikes fear into the… hearts of… You know, not altogether wise, sneaking up on a fellow when he's handling his weapon.

Inara

I'm sure I've heard that said. But… perhaps the dining area isn't the place for this sort of thing.

Mal

What do ya mean? It's the only place with a table big enough.

Inara

Of course. In that case, every well-bred petty crook knows that the small concealable weapons always go to the far left of the place setting.

Mal

Bwah.

Inara

It sounds like something this crew can handle. I can't guarantee they'll handle it particularly well, but...

Nandi

If they got guns and brains at all.

Inara

They've got guns...

Inara

I suppose you heard most of that?

Mal

Only because I was eavesdropping.

Inara

I'll contact Nandi at once, but you will be paid. I feel it's important that we keep ours... strictly a business arrangement.

Jayne

Don't much see the benefit in getting involved in strangers' troubles without a up-front price negotiated.

Book

These people need assistance. The benefit wouldn't necessarily be for you.

Jayne

That's what I'm sayin'.

Zoe

No one's gonna force you to go, Jayne. As has been stated, this job is strictly speculative.

Jayne

Good! Don't know these folks, don't much care to.

Mal

They're whores.

Jayne

I'm in.

Inara

Nandi, this is Malcolm Reynolds.

Nandi

I appreciate your coming.

Mal

Well, any friend of Inara's is a strictly businesslike relationship of mine.

Mal

I'll introduce you to the rest later. They're good folk.

Jayne

Can I start getting sexed already?

Mal

Well, that one's kinda horrific.

Mal

Inara, think you could stoop to being on my arm?

Inara

Will you wash it first?

Mal

Nothing worse than a monster who thinks he's right with God.

Nandi

Captain Reynolds, it took me years to cut this piece of territory out of other men's hands, to build this business up from nothing.

Mal

Nandi...

Nandi

It's who I am, and it's my home. I'm not going anywhere.

Mal

Well, lady, I must say—you're my kinda stupid.

Nandi

Truth is, I expected a whole lot more of you to be takin' payment in our trade.

Mal

Well, we're an odd conglomeration. Got a preacher, a married fellah, and the doctor... well, he'd have to... relax for thirty seconds to get his play. That'd be more or less a miracle.

Mal

Miss Nandi, I have a confession to make.

Nandi

Maybe I should get the Shepherd.

Mal

Well, I ain't sinned yet. And I'd feel a little more'n awkward if he were here when I did.

Nandi

Malcolm, I been waiting for you to kiss me since I showed you my guns.

Nandi

You okay with this?

Mal

I'm just waiting to see if I pass out. Long story.

Inara

So you took to bed with Nandi. I'm glad.

Mal

Glad?

Inara

Yes! She's a dear friend, and probably in need of some comfort about now.

Mal

So, you're okay. Well, yeah. Why… why wouldn't you be?

Inara

I wouldn't say I'm entirely okay. I'm a little appalled at her taste.

Jayne

[over radio] Whoa, now, girl, that is just plain dirty.

Mal

Jayne, you aware your radio's transmittin'? Cause I ain't feelin' particular girlish or dirty at the moment.

Kaylee

You couldn't possibly!

Simon

No, I wish I was lying, I just...You know, we'd all just made surgeon. That was it, we were the elite. The world was ours, you know?

Kaylee

So you had to be naked?

Simon

Naked. Yes. And, uh, on top of the statue of Hippocrates. (they laugh) Can't you just picture me?

Kaylee

What, naked? Oh, well, hmm, mmm...Let's see, I'mma have to conjure up a...yeah, that's, that's gonna be difficult...(laughs and pokes him in the cheek with her foot) So did the feds come?

Simon

There were no feds. (grins) Until I started singing.

Kaylee

Oh, no! (cracks up)

Simon

This is not--

Kaylee

What did you sing?

Simon

This is not funny. This, this is a morality tale about the evils of sake.

I would be there right now.

Simon

I really miss...It was, it was either that or the national anthem. I, reports vary...

Kaylee

You don't remember any of this?

Simon

I remember talking the feds out of telling my father. Or, or paying the feds out of telling my father. I get fuzzy on the aspect...

Jayne

So like, never?

Book

Well, no.

Jayne

Not ever ever?

Book

Some orders allow shepherds to marry, but I follow a narrower path.

Jayne

But you still got the urge? They don't...cut it off or nothin'?

Book

No, I'm more or less intact. I just...direct my energy elsewhere.

Jayne

You mean like masturbatin'?

Book

I hope you're not thinking of taking orders yourself?

Jayne

Heheh, yeah, that's be the day.

I got stupid, the money was too good.

I don't give half a hump if you're innocent or not. So where does that put you?

Jayne

Saint Jayne, got a ring to it!

Book

I'm just trying to remember how many miracles you've performed.

Jayne

I once hit a guy in the neck from five hundred yards with a bent scope, don't that count upstairs?

Book

Oh, it'll be taken into consideration.

Jayne

You made that sound kinda ominous.

Mal

You know, the only thing you're gonna find in New Melborne is fish and fish-related activities, so unless you got the overwhelming urge to gut sturgeon--and who hasn't, occasionally--

Inara

But it's a layover point for almost every planet this side of the system. I could--I just don't want to draw this out.

Mal

Have you decided when you're gonna tell the others?

Inara

I...No. I appreciate your not saying anything.

Mal

Well, I don't. So make up your mind.

I'm a big girl, just tell me.

None of it means a damn thing.

River

It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think.

Mal

Fully loaded, safety off. This here is a recipe for unpleasantness. [to Simon] Does she understand that?

River

She understands. She doesn't comprehend.

Mal

Well, I'm glad we've made that distinction.

Mal

If I want a lot of medical jargon, I'll talk to a doctor.

Simon

You are talking to a doctor.