Father Ted · Season 3
[on the phone] I am going to win again, Ted!
Ha, that's what you think, Dick, but we've got...Wait a minute! How'd you know I was here!?
[Dick hangs up. At the same time, an ice cream jingle plays from outside. Ted goes to the window and (presumably) sees Dick outside]
DAMN YOU, FATHER DICK BYRNE!
More bad news, Dougal. I've just been speaking to Father Ned Fitzmorris. He tripped on a paving stone and one of his kneecaps fell off. There's no way around it...I'm going to have to put him in goal.
(hesitantly, while watching football and reading from the book "Understnding football for women") Go on... my son.
Got the forfeit, Ted!
Oh God...
Dick said it was an extra-special forfeit, because you were such a big cheatin' bastard.
All right, open it, open it! The tension is killing me!
Ah don't worry Ted, he probably just wants you to clean his car or some...
What is it!? Break it to me gently!
All right. [reads] Ted. By this time next week you have to...
What?
You have to...
What!? [snatches the letter off Dougal, reads it, horrified] Kick Bishop Brennan up the arse!
Dougal, I don't want you to be physio this year. I want you to... look after the corner flags.
Oh God, Ted, for a second there I thought you were going to give me something completely stupid to do.
[Ted is dreaming of his new parish; a tropical island, where two of the natives have dragged him to the edge of a volcano as a human sacrifice]
Ah come on now, lads!
Quetzacoatl, the Volcano God is angry! We must appease his wrath!
Volcano God, what nonsense! Look, I'll ask again, will you not give Catholicism another try?
Nah, it wouldn't really catch on here. And sure, we don't agree with the Pope's line on artificial contraception; it's the 90s, for God's sake! [they throw Ted in]
I was just thinking about my next parish. Bishop Brennan is always threatening to send me somewhere unpleasant, and this time I think he just might go through with it. You see...I'm going to kick him up the arse.
Don't call me "Len", you little prick! I'm a bishop!
Oh right. (pause) Well done.
Do you not notice the holy smell of the room?
Ah, Ted, I think that might just be Father Jack's underpants hamper.
Shall I make the beds in the spare room?
[sarcastic] No, we'll sleep outside in a ditch!
OK so... would you like a cup of tea?
[sarcastic] No, We want to die of thirst.
[uncertain] Ok so...
[quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I think Father Jessup might have been being a bit... sarcastic...
Really? Were you being sarcastic, Father Jessup?
[still sarcastic] No, we'd like to die of thirst.
[looks confusedly at Father Ted]
[quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I know it's a bit confusing, but the trick is to do the opposite to what Father Jessup says.
[very uncertain] So, you really... do... want a cup of tea?
[exasperated] Yes! [reaches out for the cup]
[takes the cup away, and looks very pleased with herself thinking she has understood correctly]
[Father Jack awakens and moves, rattling some cans of drink]
Aha, the Kraken awakes! Did we disturb you, Father Hackett?
Arse biscuits!
What? How dare you speak to his grace like that! Apologise immediately!
[in a sarcastic manner] I'm so, so, sorry.
[addressing Mrs Doyle] Now, that's sarcasm.
[During Bishop Brennan's meeting with Pope John Paul II]
HE DID KICK ME UP THE ARSE! [bowls the Pope aside and runs for a phone] Get me on the first plane back to Ireland! NOW, GODDAMN IT! [hangs up and sees the other priests, bishops and cardinals staring at him] What're ye looking at, huh!?
[angry] What brings me here, well I suppose the company, eh? Or the fresh air? Or the view from my window of that enormous pile of sludge?! But top of the list would be the matter of you kicking me up the arse!
[to Father Jack, scaring him] FECK OFF!!
Alright, Crilly, I’ll make this short. Show me the likeness and I'll be off. I have to be off to Rome for an audience with the pope.
I love those programmes. Have you seen the one with Elton John?
SHUT UP!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Father Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
