Father Ted · Season 3
Father Jessup, what are you doing in Father Hackett's underpants hamper?
He locked me in here! Oh God... The smell!
Are you not terribly uncomfortable in there?
Of course I'm uncomfortable! I want to get out..."
[thinks for a few moments, before coming to a conclusion] Okay so! [leaves]
Where are you going? HELP ME!
I'm hugely confused, Ted...
It's like a big tide of jam coming towards us, but jam made out of old women.
Go away... (pause for thought) ...you big dirty pile of old biddies!
Go away! I don't want to catch the menopause!
(Looking out the Window)I'm no good at judging the size of crowds,but i'd say theres around seventeen million of them out there
You're not scared of the dark,are you?It's only cause the sun goes...and...its got something to do with clouds
They lie in wait like wolves. The smell of blood in their nostrils. Waiting. Interminably waiting. And then...
He's right, Ted.
(To Ted) I can have you killed!
Thanks for everything, Father. Oh, and thanks for not mentioning Eoin's "problem."
Oh yes, you mentioned that before. What was it?
I have no willy.
Well Father, you've got 4 out of 5 questions right on your specialist subject, William Shatner's Tek Wars. So, if you get the general knowledge question right, the £500 will be yours. Oh no! People will think this is rigged. John Paul II. What was his name before he became pope?
(long pause across end credits) Jim?
I know they're gonna love ya in the States, Ted. You put on a show! But remember, it's a competitive market! You'll be up against Billy Graham and those Nation of Islam guys! You gotta get your own inch, you gotta grab 'em! You know where to grab 'em?
Yeah, by the balls!
I was gonna say by the shoulders...
The way I feel now...I could convert gays!
I got someone to come around and take away all the furniture and burn it in a big fire!
Now you're going to tell us you're Santa or something!
No, I... I'm the opposite to Santa.
What, the anti-Santa?!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Father Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
