Ted, could you pass me my record collection?
Okay, here it is. (Passes him a single record.) Oh, and Dougal, you need more than one record for a collection. What you have is a record.
Song for Europe
I've got Eurosong fever, Ted.
Yeah?
Oh god, yeah. I love the Eurosong competition. I just can't wait. What time is it now?
Half past one.
Half one?! And the competition is on in...
May.
[Intensely] Let's do it!
[Soothing] Dougal, don't take it so seriously. At the end of the day, it's all just a bit of fun.
[Later; Ted is smoking a cigarette and the room is filled with smoke]
[Tense] Just play the [beep!]ing note!
The first one?
[Exploding] No not the [beep!]ing first one! The [beep!]ing first one's already [beep!]ing down! Just play the [beep!]ing note you were [beep!]ing playing earlier! I've been playing the [beep!]ing first one! We have the [beep!]ing first one!
CHCharles Hedges
Hello, Father Crilly. I'm Charles Hedges, your producer for this evening, and this is...
Oh, you don't need to tell me! Mr. Rickwood, I'm delighted to meet you. I thought you did a brilliant job presenting last year's show.
FRFred Rickwood
[Slurred] Wellthatsthebusinesslikeyouknowwhatimeanyouknowinandoutthedoorsandgiddyup!
Sorry?
FRFred Rickwood
[Slurred] Likethebusinessyouknowgetitoutthedoorsandgiddyup.
Ah, yes...
FRFred Rickwood
[Slurred] Wellanywayshamehithimshaveabollock. [exits]
Mmm. Mmm. I have to say, he sounded a lot better on last year's show.
CHCharles Hedges
Well, once he's on the stage, he's fine.
Alright, do you know him a long time?
CHCharles Hedges
Yes, yes, yes, we've been partners for ten years.
Oh, right, you run the production company together?
CHCharles Hedges
No, no, he's my lover.
A Christmassy Ted
(Ted is having a pleasant dream when Dougal wakes him up)
[Excitedly] Ted! Ted!
[startled] Wah! What?! What?!
[holding out a bag of peanuts] Would you like a peanut?
A peanut? You woke me up to offer me a peanut?! God, Dougal!
Sorry Ted.
Go to bed!
(Ted falls asleep and starts dreaming again. He is running terrified down a hill, being chased by giant peanuts)
(Eight priests are now lost in Ireland's biggest lingerie section)
Father Bigley, I want you on point.
Well, it's not before time Father. I always thought you were one of the best priests in the country.
Thank you very much Mrs Doyle. One of the best? Or maybe the best? Hahaha, go on Mrs Doyle! Honestly, would you say I'm the best priest in the country at the moment?
Well...
If you don't think I'm the best priest in the country, just say so. I honestly won't mind!
I'd say you might be... the second best!
[Contrary to his previous statement, Father Ted looks very disappointed]
I mean --
No, it's alright! I'm not the best priest in the country, I'm only the second best. There's somebody better than me, apparently.
Well, Father, I was just thinking of those priests who work in very poor areas.
Oh yeah, of course, those lads! Father Archbishop Desmond Tutu and the likes!
Well, I think Archbishop Tutu is a Protestant man!
[Both laugh]
Hahaha, oh right! Oh great! So a Protestant is better than me.
[Mrs Doyle tries to console Ted]
No, no no, there's no need to continue this, I'm not the best, I'm just the second best. Apparently the Golden Cleric is a runner-up prize. Well, I'm so sorry! Obviously I'm just an idiot! Obviously I can't even say Mass properly!
Father, I was just --
NO! Don't take it back! THAT'S what you said! You said I wasn't the best priest in the country! That's fine! I just wanted to know where I stand. Obviously now I'm just going to have to jack it in.
WHAT?!
I'm leaving the priesthood!
BUT FATHER!
NO! I am going to write a letter to Bishop Brennan asking for early retirement and maybe when I go, you can ask the other priest; "Father Peter Perfect, the Perfect Priest" to come here and you can work for him since he's obviously such a great priest!
Father, while you were out for your walk, we had a phone call. I think you were supposed to do a funeral today...
[horrified] The funeral! I completely forgot all about it!
It's alright! Father McGuire said he'd do it.
[calming down] That's ok so... [realises what she said and panics] DOUGAL'S DOING A FUNERAL! YOU LET DOUGAL DO A FUNERAL!
[cut to a cemetery, where the hearse is sticking out of the open grave, and on fire, with the coffin propped up against it. Paramedics help the funeralgoers to safety, while a soot-faced undertaker glares at Dougal]
Sorry about that.
[the hearse explodes in a massive fireball]
[Mrs Doyle is trying to guess the name of a priest who is attending the Golden Cleric award ceremony]
Father Andy Riley.
PPriest
No.
Father Desmond Coyle. [priest shakes head] Father George Byrne? Father David Nicholson? Father Declan Lynch?
PPriest
I'll give you a clue.
NO CLUES!! I'll get it in a second. Father Ken Sweeney? Father Neil Hannon? Father Keith Cullen? Father Ciaran Donnelly? Father Mick McEvoy? Father Jack White?
[fade out and back in; Mrs Doyle still guessing]
Father Henry Bigbigging? Father Hank Tree? Father Hiroshima Twinkie? Father Stig Bubblecard? Father Johnny Hellzapoppin’? Father Luke Duke? Father Billy Fury? Father Chewy Louie? Father John Hoop? Father Hairycake Lynam? Father Rabulah Conundrum? Father Peewee Stairmaster? Father Tighthead Lips? Father Jemima Ractoole? Father Jerry Twig? Father Spodo Komodo? Father Cannabranna Lammer? Father Todd Unctious?
PPriest (Father Todd Unctious)
YES! Well done!
[Mrs Doyle looks very pleased with herself]
Maybe I like the misery!
Tea-rific!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Father Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.