After I changed my story, everybody else changed theirs.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
CLCouncilman Lamar Johnson
Oh, this is a disaster!
Can you believe what this is gonna do to the community?
CLCouncilman Lamar Johnson
I mean, why would you let your son Chris write a story like this when I'm tryin' to get reelected?
What? You worried about bein' reelected when my son is out there about to be snipped to death by a scissor killer! Is that what you sayin' to me?!
CLCouncilman Lamar Johnson
Uh, n-no, no.
Yes!
CLCouncilman Lamar Johnson
I'm sayin', what would people think if I'm allowin' a serial killer to roam the neighborhood?!
I hadn't seen spin like that since Usher battled Omarion.
Did I just get mugged from a window?
After my mother set me straight, I had to set the story straight.
You made it up?
Well, I'm sorry. I was just giving the people what they want.
LLisa
Oh, this is just great. All the real killers running around Bed-Stuy, and you had to make one up. That's just lazy. What else did you make up? Is your real name Chris? Are you even black? Who knows?
I dated all the pretty women in Syracuse.
Both of 'em.
Then I dated all the pretty women in Albany.
Now we're up to three.
Then I dated all the pretty women in Pittsburgh.
OK, we're back at two.
Lisa hated my story, so I showed it to Ms. Morello, who loved anything black.
Lisa's right. This isn't good.
What's wrong with it?
Chris, there's nothing worse than racial stereotypes. We've seen this a thousand times. The tall, shirtless black man, his ebony pecs glistening with sweat from working in the fields, his furrowed brow filled with savage lust. Where was I?
I think you were talking about racial stereotypes.
Oh, right. I want to read about the real black men who walk the gritty streets of the hood. People like Superfly, The Mack, Black Belt Jones, Truck Turner and Blacula. Tell me the truth about the pimps and the hustlers, the violence... all set to a jazzy beat!
Oh, there's a jazzy beat I want to give her, right upside the head!
With Himelfarb in office, everything will fall naturally into place.
OVER MY DEAD BODY!
That would be tragic, but if it were to happen, you can rest assured I'll give Mr. Julius a nice discount.
When I turned in my story, Lisa read me the riot act.
LLisa
You call yourself a writer? This is the worst story I've ever read. I just wasted 20 minutes of my life. Do you know how many trees died for you to write this? You're destroying the ozone layer. People are gonna get cancer.
OK, OK. I get it. So, what's wrong with it?
LLisa
Everything. I mean, who wants to read about some crusty old ghetto Romeo?
Well, you told me to write about something I know, and I know this guy.
LLisa
Well, if this is the best you can do, maybe you should think about doing something else.
Like the Chess Club?
What kinda councilman got people campaignin' for him hollerin' outta windows? Vote for Himelfarb!
How you gonna vote for somebody if you can't even spell their name?! Vote Johnson!
We can't spell his name, 'cause Johnson ruined the schools. Vote Himelfarb! When I say "Himel," you say "Farb!" Himel!
CCrowd
Farb!
Himel!
CCrowd
Farb!
Well, at least Johnson ain't locked outta his own damn house! When I say "Locked," you say "Out!" Locked!
CCrowd
Out!
Locked!
CCrowd
Out!
That's what he is!
For most of my life, I'd never had a friend stay over at my house.
If this isn't special, I'd hate to see her overdo it.
Come, eat.
Help! My mother's possessed by a nice lady!
Now, wait a minute. You know we say grace every night.
No we don't.
Yes we do. Shut up and bless the food.
If I didn't thank the Lord at the table, my mom was gonna send me to thank Him in person!
Greg had brought so much stuff, I couldn't tell if he was stayin' over or takin' over.
You wearin' Transformers pajamas? Man, you're 15!
I like to pray as different characters. That way God doesn't get bored with me. Tonight I'm Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots. [in a robotic voice] Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. Amen.
He should pray for some self-esteem!
Greg was drivin' me up the wall and my dad was about to get taken for a ride.
Where to?
Las Vegas.
Seriously, man, where to?
Las Vegas, Nevada.
Man, you crazy. Get outta my cab!
Hey, no, seriously, brother, I really need to get to Las Vegas.
Look, I cannot take you to Las Vegas!
Would you take me to Las Vegas for $1000?
For $1000, he'd take you to South Africa during the height of apartheid.
While my father set off for Sin City, I showed Greg around the original Sin City, Bed-Stuy.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Everybody Hates Chris pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.