Everybody Hates Chris · Season 1
Forget this. I'm gettin' a gun.
Julius, do you know what would happen if we got a gun?
Who ate the big piece of chicken? [gets out a gun] You? Baby girl?
[gets out two guns] Who left the damn toilet seat up? Huh?
Who ate all the cereal? [gets out a shotgun] I WILL BLOW YOUR FREAKIN' HEAD OFF!
Chris, this is it. You got 48 hours to train that dog or he's dog food.
Dogs aren't used in dog food, but this wasn't a good time to correct my father.
Drew and Tonya finally settled on an activity they could both enjoy: prank phone calls.
Do you have pig's feet?
Yes. Yes, we do.
Well, if you wear shoes, nobody will notice.
Hi, I'm just confirming that I have a hundred large pizzas ordered to Mr. Omar's funeral home?
I'll check.
Yes, OK. Thank you. Tragic.
Help!
911 emergency.
Help! They're choking me!
Come here, woman! Shut up girl! Come here!
Stay calm, ma'am.
Hey! Hey, get back here!
I love havin' a dog, and losin' Blackie made me really depressed. Plus, havin' the Lassie, Rin Tin Tin, Sounder, Turner & Hooch marathon on TV didn't help.
Not only did I learn Spanish, I also learned about a whole new world. A world that, ironically, wasn't too different from the world I already knew. There was a Puerto Rican Kill Moves, a Puerto Rican Doc, a Puerto Rican Risky, and even a Puerto Rican Jerome.
Hey! Papi de otra calle! (Little dude from another street!) Lemme hold un dollar, papa. [Chris gives him a dollar]
Everything was different, but gettin' robbed still hurt.
Gracias, hermano. (Thank you, brother.)
Go talk to Kill Moves, 'cause Kill Moves has his ear to the street.
What do you hear, Kill Moves?
Four riders, two on ponies.
No! About my place gettin' robbed.
I didn't hear anything about that, but don't say I didn't warn you about the comin' Indian attack.
They took my meat! All of it! Steaks, hamburgers, hot dogs, bologna!
If they stole that stuff earlier, maybe he wouldn't have the gout.
Here's a couple books on dog training.
You just happen to have books on dog training in your locker?
I got lots of stuff in there. Let's see... I've got a bartender's guide, an auction catalog to fine crystal (mostly Lalique), How to Fly a Helicopter, The Idiot's Guide to Tic-Tac-Toe, a Gutenberg Bible, and a street guide to Baghdad. You never know.
That guidebook lists a lot more streets than they have left in Baghdad now.
This dog is a lover, not a fighter.
In fact, Blackie was such a lover, we have to go to commercial right now.
[about the dog] Can we name him?
He already has a name: Blackie.
But he's brown.
You black and you brown.
All I knew about Mr. Omar was he liked dead men and live women.
Now all I need is six white girls and a monkey.
I have a quiz tomorrow on chapter seven. Either I pass it, or it's your ass.
It's not my ass's fault you suck at math.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Everybody Hates Chris pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
