Benton Fraser quotes from Due South

Benton Fraser

All right, you come over, feed and water him twice a day, and I'll take him out when I get home at night. Deal?

Deal.

Fraser

It's twenty-five dollars a week, as long as you stay in school. [Fraser gives him Canadian money]

Wait a minute. That, uh...

Fraser

I know, I know. I'm sorry. Ray, would you mind?

Ray Vecchio

Here, take the wallet. Just give me an allowance.

Ray Vecchio

You can't keep doing this, you know.

Benton Fraser

What's that?

Ray

Romping through the streets of Chicago, rescuing widows and orphans as you may.

Fraser

It's just one kid, Ray.

Ray

You're not in a small town anymore. You can't rescue everyone you meet.

Fraser

No, I understand.

Hey Fraser, thanks for the boots!

Fraser

Glad they fit, Gerome!

Constable Fraser. I hear you're quite the Good Samaritan. I didn't know we had any left in this town.

Benton Fraser

Well I'm sure any one of his neighbors would have done the same.

[gives a skeptical look] Yeah. Well, Mr. Pike has suffered considerable soft tissue damage, but none of his injuries are life-threatening.

Fraser

Thank you. Oh excuse me, Dr. Howard. Is there any medical reason why Charlie might be prone to these accidents? Perhaps an inner ear imbalance resulting from an old boxing injury?

How did you know Charlie was a boxer?

Fraser

Well, his nose cartilage has been reduced by almost 80%, and his left eye socket is raised about a half a centimeter above the right, indicating a slight shift in the cranial plates.

Where did you study?

Fraser

The Inuvik Public Library. My grandparents were librarians.

You're kidding?

Fraser

No.

Ray

[his cell phone rings] Ma, I can't talk I'm on a stakeout.

Benton Fraser

Uh, Ray?

Ray

Benny! Benny, you gotta get down here right away. The Bears are finally kicking some butt!

How much do you make?

Benton Fraser

Me? Well it's in Canadian funds, so you have to deduct 38% , but, uh...

Enough.

Fraser

About myself. Absolutely. Consulate work is pretty dull. Although there was this one passport case-

Wait a minute. You work at the consulate?

Fraser

Well, yes. That's why I'm paid in Canadian funds. It's some- it's and odd governmental regulation.

So now you're denying you work with Charlie?

Fraser

With Charlie? No, no. I could never be a professional boxer. I mean, in high school I-

I saw you bring him in. Are you telling me you don't feed patients to the clinic. You're not involved in this million dollar insurance scam? You're just this straight-arrow, do-gooding Mountie out to help the little guy? Tell me why I find that hard to believe.

Fraser

Well, I understand your skepticism. Appearances can be deceiving. I mean, for example, you're a nurse, yet you wear extremely high heels to work. Which indicates either you haven't been a nurse for very long, or you have remarkable arches. Also, the way you hold your wrists suggests you spend many hours at a computer keyboard. And add to that, the slight crick in your neck, which indicates extended phone usage, and the minute traces of printer's ink under your three-quarter-inch nails. Which, by the way, must make bandaging quite a challenge. And a less trusting person might assume that you weren't a nurse at all. A less trusting person might assume that you work, say, for a newspaper. But then appearances can be deceiving.

And you've known this since...?

Fraser

The parking lot. Also, you should check you tape recorders. I think either your battery is leaking or some liquid has spilled into the motor. From the smell of it, I would say... [sniffs] mace.

Ray Vecchio

Okay, I'm on the edge of my seat. What's this huge moral dilemma you're carrying on your shoulders?

Benton Fraser

I've given my word to a girl.

Ray

Fraser, you do not have to marry every girl that you meet.

Fraser

Oh no, it's...she's a very young girl.

Ray

Well, then, you do have a problem.

Ray Vecchio

[about a man involved in an insurance scam] So what's the dilemma? We bust him.

Benton Fraser

Then I'd be breaking my word to the little girl.

Ray

And this gives you a problem.

Fraser

Yes.

Ray

Oh.

Fraser

And if I don't turn him in, then I'm withholding evidence of a crime.

Ray

Very good, Benny. You can go to the head of the class.

Fraser

So I've given it some thought and I've come up with the only...only logical solution: you have to arrest me.

Ray

For what?

Fraser

I can't tell you that.

Ray

Well, then I'm not gonna arrest you.

Fraser

But you have to.

Ray

Well, I'm not.

Fraser

You have to!

Ray

Oh, I'm not!

Fraser

You have to!

Ray Vecchio

Okay, so how do you know the guy who paid Charlie's a fighter?

Benton Fraser

His wrists. They were completely hairless, indicating he wears gloves that are tied tightly in a constant use.

Ray

So we're tracking a guy with hairless wrists.

Fraser

Also, the second knuckle of each hand is slightly lower than the others. His jaw clicked slightly when he spoke, indicating a fractured mandible. And his eyes had shifted downward and laterally in their sockets, cause, no doubt, by repeated blows to the zygomatic arch.

Ray

Okay, that I'll buy. But how'd you know he worked out in this gym?

Fraser

It was written on his t-shirt.

Ray

You couldn't have said that in the first place? You had to go through the hairless wrists and the fractured mandibles?!

Fraser

I'm sorry, Ray.

Ray

Aw, man!

Ow!

Benton Fraser

Sorry.

Your old man taught you how to box like that?

Fraser

My grandmother, actually. Although I'm beginning to suspect that the book she used was somewhat outdated.

Ray Vecchio

[hands ice pack to first Boxer] You're probably going to need this more than me. [to Fraser] Your grandmother?!

Fraser

Yes.

Ray

You think I can get a copy of that book?

Benton Fraser

He's in on it.

Ray Vecchio

Who?

Fraser

The trainer.

Ray

How do you know?

Fraser

You'll get upset.

Ray

No, I won't! Just enlighten me as to how, in the span of a two-minute conversation, you figured out that this guy's a criminal.

Fraser

All right. Spittle.

Ray

Spittle?

Fraser

During the course of our conversation, he tried to spit several times, but he couldn't because his mouth was too dry, which would indicate that he's lying.

Ray

So let me get this straight. This is what they do in the Yukon, they arrest everybody who doesn't drool?

Benton Fraser

They're going to kill Charlie.

Ray Vecchio

You gotta teach me how to do that, with the lips.

Ray

Hey, hey, hey! The stairs are right over there.

Fraser

Oh, sorry.

[to Diefenbaker] I gotcha! Where you going now, fella?

Benton Fraser

Hi. Diefenbaker, remember what I told you. [to dog catcher] Benton Fraser, RCMP, and this is my dog. Uh, wolf.

I thought that was a wolf. Well he's mine now, 'cause you sure as hell don't have a wolf license.

You can't have this. It doesn't exist. It never did!

Ray

Signed by the mayor himself. Special dispensation. Now unhand that wolf.

Fraser

You got it! I only asked you once, and you got it.

Ray

Of course I got it. You asked me for it, right?

Fraser

From the mayor himself?

Ray

Well, no. Not exactly. You see, I didn't want to bother him, so what I did was I xeroxed a dog license and I put in "wolf". Wonderful things, photocopiers, huh

Benton Fraser

...which makes the border between Canada and the United States the longest undefended border in the world. So that since their formation, our countries have found a peaceful way to coexist. Except for the War of 1812, where your country invaded ours and we sent you packing - but that's hardly worth mentioning. Now, I think I'll open the floor to questions. [a boy raises his hand] Yes?

Do you have to undo all your buttons to go to the toilet?

Fraser

No. Anyone else? [the boy raises his hand again]

How many do you have to undo?

Fraser

Just enough to get your trousers undone. [the boy raises his hand yet another time] Yes.

Do they have toilets in Canada?

Fraser

Yes. We do. Anyone else? [the boy raises his hand] Anyone else a'tall? [the boy is frantically raising his hand] Any other questions a'tall?

Ray Vecchio

[on phone] ...and you think this is the man who stole your cat? Claw marks on his cardigan, yes, that's very conclusive. Um, you know it's going to be a little difficult for me to break away from the case that I'm currently working on, but if you'd like to call back and ask for extension 312, Detectives Huey or Gardino would be glad to help you. Yes, they've been, uh, specially assigned to handle all animal-related offenses. No, ma'am, the pleasure's all mine. [hangs up, as Fraser walks in] How's it going?

Benton Fraser

I need your help, Ray.

Ray

Does it involve domestic animals?

Fraser

Not that I'm aware.

Ray

Then I'm your man.

Violent crimes, Detective Gardino. Cat, ma'am?

Okay, that's it.

Buck Frobisher

Hop on, Son. We've got a villain to catch.

Benton Fraser

[leaving his post] You ran away, but you brought your dress uniform with you?

Buck

No, I rented it. If we don't catch him by Tuesday, I have to pay extra. Ready?

Fraser

Ready.

Buck

Taxi!