Your washed up, dont be suprised if MTV Unplugged starts calling.
S1 E6Ride the High School
S1 E7A Civil War
Bunch of dead-skin no-humor pansies! You tell 'em an icebreaker or two about women's libbers, gays, environmentalists, several minorities, the homeless, couple of religions, anorexics, obese people, the handicapped, old farts, baldness, and people who walk real goofy 'cause they just had a vasectomy, and suddenly they get all sensitive, like I offended one of them or something! Makes you wonder why they asked me to talk in the first place!
The reason people come to the Duckman Detective Agency is Duckman, not Cornfed!
[over intercom] Phonecall for Mr. Cornfed.
Fax for Mr. Cornfed.
Carrier pigeon for Mr. Cornfed.
Semaphore for Mr. Cornfed.
Smoke signals for Mr. Cornfed.
[shouts out the window] CORNFED DOESN'T WORK HERE ANYMORE!!!
ICIndian Chief
Hmm, let's try him at home. [picks up a phone and dials Cornfed's number]
What are you bothering me with that stuff for?! I told ya - he's gone! Fired! He was nothing but a big pink weight on my shoulders, and we're better off without him!
If you say so...
How's the case going without him?
Case? What case? Oh right, the case! I was just about to put it to bed. [chuckles] Along with the client.
Hmm. The kind of joke he'd probably enjoy telling when Cornfed was around.
Hey, maybe it's time for you two hairballs to do something around here besides irritating the hell outta me!
You want our help?!
On a case?!
I'll start with a couple questions, not that I don't already know the answers. I do. I just wanna, you know, see how you're thinking. Suppose you're the chairman of a large--
Uh-uh-uh-uh. Chair person.
Suppose you're the chair person of a large corporation that makes meat on a stick.
Oh, Mr. Duckman! We couldn't support the killing of animals for food!
Nor the senseless slaughter of trees for sticks!
Okay... You're the chair people of a large, environmentally friendly corporation that produces wholesome apples. Now! You're supposed to prove that someone died of natural causes. What would you do?
Are the apple free-range, or are they grown in captivity?
[Duckman throws Fluffy and Uranus out the window, who then land on the street and get run over by a streetsweeper]
S1 E8Not So Easy Riders
Did I ever tell you my dad's last words to me?
Mm-hmm -- "Careful, son, I don't think the safety's on."
Before that!
(holding sign) I Promise Not to Jump Out At A Red Light And Abduct Your Children For $$$$$
Duckman (running from IRS agent) Seems like such a waste to go to jail JUST for tax evasion.
Duckman (runs into biker bar and trips on bottle into a biker)
BBiker
Watch it jerk.
Who you calling jerk you Long haired, Fat Bellied, Goofy Tattoo'd 60's Villager Wannabe Biker freak?
Shouldn't you be be out revving your engines really loud while people are trying to sleep or weaving in and out of traffic with complete disregard for the safety of others? Or beating up hippies at a free rock concert?
S1 E9It's the Thing of the Principal
Little bubbly?
I know it's the water jets plus that dam digestive problem of mine. I..mm.. you didn't mean the water did ya?
Hummana Hummana Howwa
VLVanessa La Pert
Very impressive Mr. Duckman, but why are you telling me in Cherokee that you have raccoons in your pants?
It looks a lot worse than it actually is.
Not unlike nipple clamps.
[The door knocks]
Who is it?
Ajax
You don't have to knock here, You can just come in here.
I knew there was one house I could do that at.
S1 E13Joking the Chicken
[Duckman walks onstage in front of an audience]
I know you all came here to see Iggy Catalpa, because you think he's funny. Because you like his style. Because you just plain like him, right?
AAudience
Yeah! Yeah!
But you just think you do! Because you are manipulated into thinking you do—by him, King Chicken! [Bernice and others gasp in shock to see King Chicken on stage with a cane] He did it the same way they manipulate us into buying toothpaste, car wax, even politicians! All prepackaged, a least offensive, most appealing alternative. But it's precisely when humor is offensive that we need it most! Comedy should provoke! It should blast through prejudices, challenge preconceptions! Comedy should always leave you different than when it found you!
[The audience start murmuring to each other]
The rabble seems roused.
Sure, humor can hurt, even alienate, but the risk is better than the alternative: a steady diet of innocuous, childproof, flavorless mush! Demand to be challenged! To be offended! To be treated like thinking, reasoning adults! And raise your children to be the same! Don't let a comedian, a network, a congressional committee, or an evil genius take away your freedom to laugh at whatever you want!
S2 E4Inherit the Judgement: The Dope's Trial
KKennesaw
Well, looks like I got no choice but to find the defendant not guil--
Not so fast! I'm taking on my own defence, and I wish to call a witness!
In light of the fact that this case is won and at the risk of sounding insubordinate, are you out of your [bleep]ing mind?
S3 E2Forbidden Fruit
Mail call! Dad got a package.
Hm... a videotape in a plain brown wrapper.
[Duckman salivating and chuckling]
From the boys' school!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Duckman pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.