Dende quotes from Dragon Ball Z

But um...well...How exactly did you father have a child all by himself?

Dende

Uh...what do you mean how...he spit the eggs out of his mouth of course.

Oh, right. He. How silly of me. Wait, so what you're saying is he is actually a she right, a female.

Dende

Female? What's a female?

Dende

Hey, hey listen. Guru just told me there's some kind of powerful force headed straight for us.

Uh...

Nail

What?

Vegeta

What in the...who's this Guru.

Krillin

Hey, he's right. Something is coming.

Yeah, that power level's huge.

Krillin

Wait, I know. It's Goku. I knew he'd be here to save us.

Vegeta

Kakarot!?

I don't know. Are you sure Krillin? It feels like there's more than one.

Vegeta

No! Not them! One, two, three, four, five...it...it has to be...dammit all. Frieza's called in the Ginyu Force.

Krillin

[about the password] So...you gonna tell me what it is?

Dende

It's in Namek, and you probably wouldn't understand it even if I told it to you.

Krillin

[about Porunga] Oh, man! He's...he's huge! Bigger than anything I've ever seen in my whole life!

Are you sure this is the dragon?

Dende

Yes, Gohan. His name is Porunga. And in Namek, it means "dragon of love," but to be honest, this is the first time I've ever had a chance to see him.

You have collected all seven dragonballs, and now, as it is written, think wisely and I will grant you three wishes within my power.

Vegeta

Come here, kid! You've gotta help me! If you know what's good for you, you will! You understand?

Dende

But I can't help you!

Vegeta

What are you saying? I know you can help! I've seen you heal other people!

Dende

I can only heal those who have a good heart. You...your heart is black from the people you've hurt.

Vegeta

Why...you little...unless you heal me you little brat, Frieza's going to wipe us all out!

Dende

Sorry, I can't!

Vegeta

Hey, come on! I don't have time for your stupid moral dilemma, kid!

Yamcha

[speaking telepathically to Bulma] Bulma! Can you hear me?

Huh? Who said that? I must be losing my mind!

Yamcha

Bulma, you're not losing your mind. It's me, Yamcha.

Huh? Yamcha? Where? I don't see you.

Piccolo

Huh?

Huh?

I can hear you though. Did somebody shrink you or something?

Yamcha

No, nobody shrunk me. I'm full size. Look, Bulma. I'm communicating with you telepathically. King Kai arranged it. I'm relaying a message for him.

No way...

Bulma? Yamcha's talking to you? It's King Kai, he must have a message.

Hey, that's what he said. Man, that's wild. Telepathy, huh? So, it's true then. It is Yamcha. Hiya Yamcha! What's up?

Yamcha

Not a lotta! Just hangin' out with the other dead guys. You know how it is. But hey, I have to hurry, because uh...I'm sorta calling long distance. It's about Goku, Bulma. The fight on Namek is over.

You're kidding. Who won?

Yamcha

Goku did. He beat Frieza. But uh...

Goku won! Alright! That's our Goku! Hey guys! Goku won!

Wow! Dad really won! Yay! Woo! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Piccolo

[to himself] Goku, you did it my friend.

[dancing around with Dende] Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Dende

Aha ha! Aha ha ha!

Vegeta

[to himself] He did it. Unbelievable.

Yamcha

Bulma, please listen. That's not the end of the story. There's more. After Goku defeated Frieza, he tried to use Frieza's space ship to high-tail it outta there, but the darned thing bugged out on 'im. He was stuck, with no way out! When Namek exploded, Goku went with it! He's gone.

Hold on guys! There's more! Goku didn't make it off planet Namek before it exploded. He's dead.

Yamcha

Huh!?

What a bummer.

Yamcha

Bulma!? What are you doing? Are you nuts? You're not givin' a weather report or announcing the score of a football game. The kid's dad just died. I could've done a better job than that.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Duh. Now listen up, peabrain. I'm the one with the real inside scoop, not you. What would you say if I told you that with the dragonballs from Namek, you can wish people back to life more than just one time? That means we can wish everybody back. Goku, Krillin, and Chiaotzu can all be wished back. You're all coming home. How do you like them apples? And it's not gonna take that long either. So just chill. You dork, I was always the brains of the outfit when we were together and you were always the brawn.

Yamcha

Oh man. Same old Bulma.

Dende

Honorable elder! Honorable elder!

Ah, Dende. You have sensed it as well.

Dende

Ah, yes! But who could be behind such a power? This is the most terrible energy that I have ever felt!

I do not know my son. But from the sheer magnitude of this bio-energy, it may not only destroy planet Earth but the entire universe as well!

Dende

Huh! The entire universe!?

Dende

There's trouble down there but I can't seem to focus on it. My mind is too clouded.

Dende, you sure remind me of Kami. He used to stand in that very same spot as he tried to make sense of the Earth.

Dende

Did he really?

Oh yes. [pause] There's no need to be upset. Like the former guardians before you, it will take some time before you are comfortable with your new role as guardian of the Earth. Just relax, Dende. Stop doubting your own abilities and start listening with your mind. Calm your thoughts. Now, what do you see?

Dende

The tournament is still on. It's a fierce battle.

See, you did it.

Dende

Yes. Thank you Mister Popo. I know I'll never be able to replace Kami but I will try my best. I promise. I just wish there was something more that I could do. I feel so helpless. This tournament will decide the fate of the Earth and all I can do for now is watch and leave it to Goku. I may be this planet's guardian, but he is its hero.

The young ones sleeping...Goten and Trunks are almost exactly the same size, aren't they? Could they do a fusion?

Krillin

Umm...is that possible?

Yeah! Thank you, Mister Popo! You know, that just might work!

Dende

Really Goku!?

Krillin

Mister Popo, I love you! You're a genius! Lets all give it up for Mister Popo the genius!

Dende

Most unusual.

Piccolo

Never train children when their mothers are around. It's always trouble.

[about Super Buu] Look, I don't wanna fight 'im!

Dende

Well, that's good, because no sane person would. But we're gonna do it anyway.

Dende

That's no ordinary old man. He's a Kai.

He does look a little strange. A Kai? What's that? Some sort o' purple leprechaun?

Dende

No. The Kais are the illustrious overseers of the universe. Each Kai protects one of the quadrants. But these two, they're actually Supreme Kais. No one in the whole universe has more authority than them.

Really? Hmm...uh... I've got a question then. If these two are so great and powerful, why don't they stop Majin Buu.

Eh?

Uh?

Dende

Uh...

They saved this nut? My word.

Hey, they have pointy ears, too. And I'm thinkin' you must be one of them, kid.

Dende

Eh...

Hey!

Dende

Uh?

Yeah, now I get it. Aha ha ha! This is all a dream! Aha ha ha! Just a silly old dream! Of course, of course. Now it all makes sense. First of all, there couldn't be somebody who's stronger than me, the undisputed Martial Arts Champion of the World! Ha, ha ha! Secondly, pink monsters like Buu don't exist and neither do purple people with pointy ears, now do they?! And, there's no such thing as little green men that guard the Earth from evil!

Dende

But, sir...

And how absurd is this? Look at all those moons! [Hercule starts running to the edge of a mountain]

Dende

Hey, wait! Where are you going?

I'm gonna fly away. It's my dream and I can do whatever I want. [Hercule reaches the edge] Hey! Yo! Majin Buu! I don't care if this is a dream! No one hurts my daughter, Videl, or the Earth! Do ya got that, pal! I'm comin' for you, you pink stink! Prepare to die!

Dende

Uh...

Oh...yeah...oh...okay... [Hercule jumps off the cliff] Aah! [Hercule hits the ground] Oh, the...the pain...oh... How can it hurt so bad if this is a dream? Uh....

You can't pay for entertainment like this.

The Dragon Balls? We can't use them to settle our affairs.

Dende

But sir, Vegeta needs them. He must have a plan.

Plan, shman. No can do.

Dende

Yeah, but this isn't our affair. Don't you see, it's everyone's. And if we don't do everything in our power to help, we're as guilty as Buu.

Alright, take it easy. You made your point.

Dende

This is awful. We didn't give Porunga that ability because Nameks don't believe in wishing people back to life.

Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. As Earthlings say, "chill out." After that Frieza debacle, we restyled the Dragon Balls and increased Porunga's power.

Dende

You mean he can grant the wish!?

Yes, he can.

Oh, sure. Just great. So much for the natural evolution of the universe.

So, then guardians aren't forbidden to attend parties?

Dende

If they are, it's a bit late now.