"Listen to me. I forbid you to die. If you leave me with a mortgage and a restaurant and five kids, I swear I will track you into the deepest pit of hell and make you pay."
S3Dress Big
Edie (to Carlos, undressing): "Just stop seeing the person that I've been and start seeing the person I could be. Look at me, not the Edie that I show the world. In fact - let's lose her. Forget the blouse that she wears because she knows it shows off her cleavage. And the skirt that's so short, because she knows that guys love long legs. And the heels, the ones that make her legs look even longer. Forget the bra that holds her breasts a little higher than they are on their own these days. And the panties, the ones that hide the scar from my c-section. This is it. Hi, Carlos. I'm Edie. I might not be the woman that you thought I was under all of that but I'm real, and I'm here. And I'm asking for a chance."
Mary Alice (voiceover): "Yes, you can learn a lot about women, from what they choose to wear. You can learn even more by what they choose to take off, and who they take it off for."
S3Liaisons
"That's what we pay you and you seem happy enough."
"That's because I'm doing the beer delivery guy."
"Ok...My fault for asking."
"Surely you can control five little kids."
"Can I beat them?"
"No."
"Then my hands are tied."
"You think you were bored? I've had more thrills leaning up against my dryer."
"Then what was all that moaning?"
"I was in pain! You were smashing my breasts!"
"Oh, come on!"
"You hunkered down on top of me like you were hiding from the border patrol."
"I was tired. You just laid there while I did all the work. When we were done, I felt like I should deflate you."
"Well, sex is like tennis. When you play an inferior opponent, your game suffers."
"Are you challenging me to a rematch?"
S3Getting Married Today
[Susan and Mike are about to get married]
MMinister
Are we ready?
JMJulie Mayer
Are you kidding? They've been dragging this thing about for three years!
SWStella Wingfield
[Lynette's mother shows up] Geez Lynette, I didn't know you opened a daycare center! Hey kids grandma's here.
SWStella Wingfield
[they all look at her strange] Okay, what'd you tell them about me?
It's been five years mom, they don't remember you.
SWStella Wingfield
Well they'll remember me this time, I've brought presents. For you.
[hands Parker a book].
SWStella Wingfield
And for you and you.
[hands the twins books].
These are baby toys. We're too old to play with these.
SWStella Wingfield
Well I'm too old to remember what the hell six year olds like to play with.
We're eight.
SWStella Wingfield
What do I care?
Just say thank you.
[kids say 'thank you'].
SWStella Wingfield
[pointing to Kayla, talking to Parker] Who's the pretty thing? Your girlfriend?
[looks disgusted] No! She's my sister!
SWStella Wingfield
[to Lynette] Oh, is that Tom's little B-a-s-t-a...
OK, kids, time to get your toys and let's play upstairs.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Desperate Housewives pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.