A character in Designing Women
Played by Jean Smart
Designing Women · 255 quotes
4th most-quoted character in Designing Women: in 60 of its 255 quotes
Most scenes with: Julia (32), Suzanne (29), Mary Jo (23)
[Charlene and Mary Jo relate an embarrassing story to try to cheer Julia up.]
CharleneSuzanne, don't you have a most humiliating story to tell?
Yes, I do. My most humiliating moment... was when Julia mooned 1200 people.
[Charlene shows up for work with big news — so excited that she can barely speak.]
Good morning, Charlene. Mary Jo says you have some news for us.
[Charlene screams with elation under her breath.]
Must be good news!
Charlene, if this is something stupid like Pam Ewing's coming back to Dallas, I don't want to hear it.
CharleneI'm getting married!!
You're getting married?!!
I didn't tell them! It just about killed me, but I didn't.
When did this happen?
CharleneFriday night. I told Mary Jo already, but I couldn't get ahold of you, and I wanted to tell you all in one big swoop....I'm getting married!!
I'm so happy for you!
[Meanwhile, Suzanne has been inspecting Charlene's engagement ring with her jewelers loupe.]
Oh, nice job, Charlene! Now....who're you marrying?
Charleneannoyed Bill!!
Suzanne....
Well, I thought so, but y'know it never hurts to ask.
[Charlene tracks Julia down by phone for advice on handling her fiance's snooty family, who thinks she has no class . . . Julia continues in her loud voice in order to hear herself.]
CharleneWhere the heck are you?
If you must know, Charlene, I'm at a keg party.
CharleneJulia! I can't imagine you at a keg party! I mean . . . y'know, you have so much class.
That's just the point, Charlene. If you have class, you have it. It doesn't matter where you are or who you're with . . . and I have to go now because Craig is getting ready to drink out of the funnel.
What would you do if somebody was coming after you?
CharleneScream for help.
Uh, uh. You can't depend on anybody helping you.
CharleneThen I'd run away.
You can't always get away.
CharleneWell, then, I'd kill them with a rolled up magazine. I saw this thing on TV where spies learn how to kill somebody with a rolled up magazine.
[Suzanne wants to practice her self-defense course lessons:]
CharleneSuzanne, why are you so interested in this course now? I mean, you didn't even want to go the first time. Now every time I see you it's, "Charlene threaten me, Charlene come at me with a knife, Charlene mug me at the Ready Teller."
Okay, Julia, come on. Come at me with a knife. I dare you.
Suzanne, I appreciate your enthusiasm for our anti-mugging course, and I must admit that occasionally this week I have enjoyed choking you, but this is a place of business.
[Suzanne and Charlene meet with the female editor of a men's magazine.]
Actually, I'm a feminist, and I and my magazine make large contributions to feminist charities.
Yeah, well I donate to the ASPCA, but that doesn't make me a cat!
CharleneGood one!
[Anthony is running errands for the ladies to help them prepare for Charlene's baby shower.]
CharleneI'm sorry you can't stay for the shower, it's just one of those all girl times.
Believe me, Charlene, I understand perfectly. It's absolutely alright. I go to all-boy parties sometimes, and we have those little tiny sandwiches with the crusts cut off, and then we play word games where the prize is a biscuit cutter, so I've had my fill.
CharleneYou do know that we're here to take you down to the hotel for the ceremony...
Yes, of course. I'm almost ready. Just let me touch up my makeup.
(suspicious) Ok, Suzanne. What's going on?
You know, Julia. We're going down to the Marriott to see those pageant people.
Charlene(relieved) Oh, Suzanne, this is great. Yesterday, when you said that stuff about your cold, dead scalp, y'know, and then you ran out to the parking lot and threw yourself on the ground kicking and screaming, and then you crawled to your car with dirt and saliva all over your face, and then you drove away peeling rubber... we thought you were upset.
Silly us.
Yes, well I talked to Consuela, and I'm better now.
Uh oh. I don't like the sound of that.
I'd like to think that this means you and Consuela had a soul-searching chat, and you re-evaluated your priorities and realized crown, or no crown, you are who you are — but I have a feeling I'd be disappointed.
I have a feeling it's more like little dolls, straight pins and chicken parts.
CharleneDid Consuela make a Donna Jo Carnes doll?
Yes, and she also put a curse on that Audrey woman too, and I wrote down on this piece of paper a hundred times It will not happen, so you all can just go ahead and laugh, but I know in my heart it's just not going to happen.
Suzanne, you're just making this harder on yourself. Now I've talked to Reese, and apparently there's no statute of limitations on this thing, and there's nothing we can do here.
When I was a little girl, you told me, "Suzanne, if there's anything in this life you want to be, you can be it. All you have to do it want it enough." That's how I won that contest in the first place — I wanted it more. All those other girls were running around saying, "I don't care who wins. I just enjoy the camaraderie and meeting all the other girls from all over the state of Georgia." I didn't give a flip about meeting other girls. I can meet other girls any ole time. And maybe they didn't mean it, but they said it, so a little tiny bit of them did mean it. I never said it. Basically, I just said, "I want that crown to be on my head." So I'll just go down and talk to these people and eplain it all to them, and they won't take my crown. They can't because... because you told me I could be whatever I want to be if I just want it bad enough. And I want to be Miss Georgia... for the rest of my life.
[The group is waiting on the ceremony for Suzanne to relinquish her Miss Georgia crown to Donna Jo Carnes when Bernice comes into the room dragging a portly woman behind her.]
Look what I found in the ladies room...
CharleneOh Bernice, put her back!
CharleneThose trees were gorgeous. It reminded me of the Ozarks and home. For some reason the baby was just kicking like crazy.
Well of course. What'd you expect? It's a little hick.
Oh my gosh. I don't believe it.
What?
See that man over there with the hunting cap? You know, with the ear flaps?
What'd he do to you? Blow you a hayseed?
Mary Jo!
That's just his way of sayin' hi-dee!
I don't like the way he's lookin' at me with his eyes.
CharleneHow's he looking?
You know . . . Like he's lickin' the back of my neck.
I say we pay the bill, leave an incredibly large tip, and get the hell out of here.
Oh don't be ridiculous. She thinks everybody is trying to lick the back of her neck.
[After meeting cousin Mavis' husband:]
Boy, was he cute! How come you never brought him by before?
CharleneSuzanne, they haven't even lived here a year yet.
Anyway, what do you care? You sound like you're coveting him.
"Coveting" — what kind of talk is that? Is that like Shakespeare or something?
[Charlene goes to see her cousin Mavis, who she recently found out is a victim of spousal abuse.]
CharleneMavis, I've been so upset since the other night. I just can't stop thinking about you.
Yeah, I've been thinking about our whole family — how much I miss Mama and Daddy.
CharleneThey wouldn't want you to live this way.
Y'know it's funny, but I haven't really felt alive in a long time. And I've forgotten what I used to be like. Every once in a while there's this little voice inside that says, "Hey. It's me. It's Mavis. I'm still in here." But basically I've been dead. And then two things happened — this baby and seeing you again.
CharleneThen all you have to do it get Ginny, Julie and Kate and come with me now. After the show we'll go back to my house. You can all stay with Bill and me until we can find you an apartment.
I can't afford that.
CharleneMavis, you can't afford not to. There are places you can go for help, but first we have to get you out of here.
I get an allowance! I don't have any money to move into an apartment.
CharleneYou do now (handing Mavis an envelope). This is from Bill and me, and the other check is from the rest of us for helping us rehearse.
Oh, Charlene. This is too much. I mean, how could they do this? They don't even know me.
CharleneThat's just the way they are. That's why they're my friends. The fifty dollars is from Anthony.
(starting to cry) I don't know what to say.
CharleneJust say you'll do it! Now, Mavis, I have to go. If you won't come with me right now, I'll be at the Arts Center until 11:00. Just get your girls and come. Just take this first step. I will be by your side the whole way.
I'm so ashamed. I don't know how I ever let it get to this point.
CharleneIt's ok. Just remember, you don't have to take this, cuz we're the rowdy girls, remember?
Yes, I remember.
[Suzanne enters at the talent show in her Supreme dress and in the black makeup...]
Suzanne, I can't believe that's actually you in that get-up! I've never been so embarrassed in my life!
Why? I think I'm the one that looks perfect. It's you that looks silly.
CharleneWould you get out there? You are supposed to be on!
Wait just a minute. Our number is next, and don't you dare come near us.
Julia, what are you talkin' about? I have to be with you! I'm a Supreme!
Listen, I don't give a damn if you're a California raisin! You stay away from us!
[It's now Suzanne's turn to dream, and she is dreaming that she, Charlene, Julia, Mary Jo, and Anthony are all infants in the hospital nursery in a giant crib or playpen....]
Whaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh
Don't cry, Mary Jo. What's wrong?
Nothing's wrong. She's just jealous because I was the first baby born after midnite — January One, 1990.
I'm not jealous, I'm hungry!! I only weighed in at five pounds.sucks her thumb
Yeah, like that's a problem. You know you're little and tiny and cute. Of course you're not as cute as some people. Hey where's that mirror-mobile? I like that thing.
Suzanne, suck your pacifier.
Ohh!! A little fussy today aren't we? Well, you're all just jealous because I won the new car. I was the first baby. I won, I won, I won!
Suzanne, I am not fussy today. I just don't particularly care for the head nurse. She is so superior! I'm especially tired of her coming in here every five minutes with that thermometer. I'd like to tell her where to stick it.....but apparently she already knows.
Well I think this whole place is great. It's twenty-four hour room service, and look! [She holds up her hospital ID bracelet.] Free jewelry!
Are you serious?
Yeah, I think it's pretty.
Well, I'm glad you're developing a taste for cheap bracelets. You're gonna need that later on in life. And by the way, would someone kindly tell me what is he doing here?
Excuse me, but to whom are you referring?
Oh, well like I'm the only one here who noticed! Hasn't anyone else asked themselves what is wrong with this picture?
He's different!
Oh, I know. I especially noticed during the diaper change. He's definitely different.
That's right, very very different. And I'll tell you something else. For some reason, I do not particularly appreciate being put behind these bars. Whaaaaahhhh!! I don't want to be incarcerated anymore! Let me out! I'm busting out of here now!!
Oh keep your diapers on!! You wouldn't even make it to the hallway.
Well maybe not on my own... but I'm gonna be driving that little car right there.
Whaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!
I was just gonna borrow it. I'll bring it back.
You can't take that!! It's my car, I won it. I'm the New Years baby!
Not anymore!! Not anymore!!
That's my car!! That's my car!!!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Designing Women pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
