Charlene quotes from Designing Women

Suzanne

Oh, Charlene, that reminds me. I saw two things on TV I gotta tell you about. Now first one is, there was a segment on the news about that league of breast feeding people you like so much, you know, La Leaky.

Charlene

Suzanne, it's La Leche.

Suzanne

Oh, well. Whatever.

Julia

All right, that's it. Look, Ms. Langford.

Please, call me Gaby.

Julia

No, I won't call you Gaby. You haven't taken the time to learn any of our names.

Well, that's not so. I know Anthony.

Julia

That's right, you do. First you kept us waiting for 35 minutes. And then when you decided you were bored enough to come downstairs, the only thing you've acted the least bit interested in is seducing our delivery man.

Seducing? If that's what you think I was doing, then obviously you don't have the artistic sensibility required to work with me.

Julia

No, Ms. Langford. What I don't have that's required to work with you is patience.

Charlene

Julia --

Julia

Because quite frankly, I find you rude, horny, lazy and dumb.

Julia

Hanging up the phone Well, that's it. There are two million people in this city, and apparently we are the first ones to ever come up with the notion of renting a van after 5 o'clock in the evening.

Charlene

Why don't you try this one — Krazy Joe's Junkers. He's crazy, so maybe he stays open later.

Julia

That's who I was just talking to.

Charlene

Really? Julia, you called a guy named Krazy Joe?

Julia

Yes, Charlene. That is how desperate I am. I telephoned a man who not only calls himself Krazy Joe, but he spells crazy with a 'K' and prints the 'Z' backwards — a man who's based his entire business career on the theme of illiteracy.

Charlene

What are we going to do? Anthony is stuck out there on the 285 in the pouring rain with that awful Mrs. Fricke and all her furniture.

Suzanne

Well I know what to do. It's real simple too. We call the police and tell them that Anthony is an escape convict who's stolen a load of antiques and taken a white woman hostage. They'll just rush right down here with one of those big ol' paddywagons and pick Anthony up — probably even deliver the furniture.

Julia

Where is Mrs. Fricke?

Charlene

She's in the van still stuck on the highway. (to Anthony) I bet she's mad. I mean, I hate to criticize, but even on a good day she's kind of cranky. (to the ladies) He says she's in a good mood.

Mary Jo

Gee. Maybe we should have stuck her out on the freeway in a leaky van a long time ago.

Charlene

What? He says she's happy because this is her last furniture shipment and if it's not delivered by midnight tonight her entire job is free.

Julia

Where would she get a bizarre idea like that?

Suzanne

I saw it on a pizza ad.

Mary Jo

Great, Suzanne. Why don't you just give away free pepperoni on the sofas?!

Suzanne

There! You see? That shows how good you'd be at sales because that wouldn't work at all. You people act like it's just so easy for me to hustle up business for this place, like I've just got to stand on the corner and go "Hey! Drapes and coffee tables!" and people just come running. Well you're wrong. I have to flirt, I have to deal, I have to lie, and sometimes I even have to threaten. THAT is called SALES. It's not pretty. I am, but it's not.

Charlene

Suzanne, I can't believe you did that. That is thousands and thousands of dollars. We can't afford to pay for all that stuff.

Suzanne

Hey, I sell stuff — I'm the front-end person. You're supposed to deliver it — you're the rear-end people.

Charlene

You know, it's interesting. I always thought of the four of us as being pretty much the same, but in terms of kids we couldn't be more different. I mean, I've got a brand new baby, and Mary Jo's daughter is about to finish high school, and(gesturing to Suzanne) you haven't even started yet.

Suzanne

I beg your pardon. What exactly is it that I haven't "started"?

Charlene

You want to have kids someday, don't ya?

Suzanne

Charlene, I don't know! It's not the kind of question I ask myself — not like those women who hang around expensive restaurants whining about my "biological clock". I assure you if I ever decide I did want a baby, I would do it instantly with a minimum of fuss and muss.

What size are you?

Suzanne

What business is it of yours?! I'm eating rice cakes already, what do you people want from me?! Just lay off!

Charlene

Suzanne, she meant your shoe size.

Suzanne

(embarrassed) Oh! Hehe. Six and a half.

Great. There you go. Just leave yourshoes with me.

Suzanne

I beg your pardon?

We keep your shoes so you don't walk out with the rented ones.

Suzanne

Do you really think that I'm going to give up my brand new Maude Frizons so that I can walk out of here wearing these multi-colored clown shoes stained with the sweat of sixty-thousand poor people? Because if that's what you're worried about, let me just say, don't worry about it.

Mary Jo

So how'd it go?

Charlene

I fell asleep.

Mary Jo

When?

Charlene

I'm not sure. I think it was right after we said hello and shook hands.

Julia

How long did you sleep?

Charlene

I think about 15 minutes. We were sitting on his sofa in his office talking about putting levalors on the windows, and I just sort of nodded off. Sometime after that he woke me up... apparently I was snoring.

Mary Jo

... and then what happened?

Charlene

I started crying.

Suzanne

You started crying?

Charlene

Well, yeah... cuz I looked down and while I'd been asleep I'd gotten these great big wet milk spots on the front of my blouse.

Suzanne

Oh my lord!!

Charlene

It was just so humiliating.

Suzanne

Oh my lord!!

Julia

(angrily) Suzanne.

Charlene

And then I just jumped up real quick and put on my coat.

Suzanne

The one with the baby spit on it?

Charlene

That's right. And thank you for telling me, Suzanne. I didn't notice 'til I'd gotten there.

Mary Jo

And then you left?

Charlene

... and that's when I fell flat on my face in the reception area.

Julia

I don't think I want to hear anymore.

Charlene

I probably wouldn't have fallen except that I'd put my pantyhose on so twisted this morning I've been walking like John Wayne all day. Then my purse came open... and y'know I had that box of baby suppositories in there. They just flew everywhere. There I was, on my hands and knees, wet, sobbing, mascara running down my face, my pantyhose twisted, trying to gather up all these little white firecrackers... ...y'know. Two of the secretaries had to lift me off the floor and help me to my car. Or maybe they were throwing me out... I don't know. I never looked back.

Mary Jo

I guess we have been sorta tacky today.

Charlene

Which I don't understand because basically, we're very nice girls.

Mary Jo

Yeah. But we don't talk half as bad as men do. Men say things like, "Yeah, I'm gonna go out and get me some tonight."

Julia

Mary Jo. I don't know any men who say that.

Charlene

Oh yeah. Reese talks like that all the time.

Charlene

I wonder what's keeping Anthony and Suzanne.

Julia

Charlene, are you serious? A six foot black man dressed like Hazel just left here with Suzanne, his co-conspirator to defraud and deceive the United States government, and you're wondering what's keeping them? Well, it's been three and a half hours. I don't think you have to wonder anymore. I think it's pretty obvious. They are in prison.

Is he here?

Charlene

Hi, no. He's still at the school. Did you find him a present?

Yeah, yeah. Suzanne's helped me pick it out. It was expensive, but my man's only gonna graduate college once.

Charlene

Oh, Vanessa. That looks gorgeous.

Mary Jo

It sure is.

Suzanne

Did somebody eat my rice cakes?

Charlene

Well, I might've had one last night.

Suzanne

You might have? Charlene, it seems to me either you did or you didn't.

Charlene

All right, I did!

Suzanne

You know, it is funny to me that you people can eat anything in the world... cookies, bread, potato chips, entire sides of beef. I, on the other hand, have been reduced to some tasteless low cal. fish saliva, and yet for some reason you still feel compelled to come over here and chow down on it.

Charlene

I'm sorry!

Suzanne

Well you oughta be.

Julia

(on phone) Hello, Charlene. I just wanted to thank you again for turning me into the judge. Now, the whole jury is sequestered till Lord only knows when, and I am here in Motel Hell, sharing a room with a women with no lips.

Charlene

Julia, I had to do it. We violated that law. By the way, I don't think your supposed to be making telephone calls. I'd hate to have to report this, too.

Julia

If you are so all fire, heaped up about turning people in, I believe you'll find some overdue library books in my upstairs den. Why don't you just report that too, and maybe you'll get your merit badge, you big 'ole donkey girl scout!

Charlene

Now, Julia, you sound overwrought.

Julia

Yeah, well, you're gonna think overwrought. If I miss my dinner with Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter because of this, you're going to pay and pay big. I'm going to find you and hunt you down like a dog! I'm talking about you running through the woods in the snow with blood hounds ripping your clothes off! And remember, Charlene, I have your address. You'd be wise to ask yourself "Do I know where my baby is?"!

Charlene

Julia? Julia!? (hangs up) Oh my gosh, she threatened Olivia.

Mary Jo

What'd she say?

Charlene

She said she was going to hunt me down like a dog and hire blood hounds to rip my clothes off! Now, I thought the judge was just going to give her a warning. I didn't know she was going to be shut up in a motel room. Now, Suzanne, you know Julia. I mean, when this is all over she'll realize I had to do it and forgive me, don't you think?

Suzanne

I think you and your baby should get some black wigs on and get the hell out of town.

Mary Jo

Maybe Bill can put in for a transfer. I here there's a big base up in Greenland. On second thought, Julia'd probably just strap some snow shoes to her pumps and track you down like caribou.

Charlene

I didn't know Julia had this in her.

Mary Jo

Well, we all have things about ourselves that even we don't know.

Julia

Why don't you want to talk to Bernice?

Anthony

Because that hooker she had booked on her show cancelled out.

Charlene

I know. I told her to call my friend Monette for help.

Anthony

We tried that, but Monette and Atlanta's better class of prostitutes have gone to Las Vegas for a convention. Consequently, in Bernice's hour of need, Atlanta is suffering a severe shortage. Now we were out until three in the morning driving around in her cadillac looking for — as she put it — "fresh meat". I nearly wrapped the car around a post when she leaned out the window and yelled, "Work it, girl! How'd you like to strut your stuff on public access?!"

Carlene

Why'd she (Suzanne) move to Japan anyway?

Julia

Well, Suzanne was very attracted to the Japanese economy. They have a very large elderly population there, and she had dated most of the men in this country.

Carlene

Well that was something about her dating that Emperor Hirohito wouldn't it?

Charlene

Oh no, Carlene. That was the nephew of Emperor Hirohito. I mean, Emperor Hirohito is dead.

Mary Jo

... never stopped Suzanne in the past.

Allison

Just to make sure that we get off on the right foot, let's talk about how we can be more professional and well presented. On the personal side, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but someone's wearing a very offensive cologne. Incidentally, I do think it's inappropriate to bring visiting relatives to work. (To Carlene) Is there any particular reason you're lying on the sofa?

Charlene

Yes, she has premenstrual cramps.

Allison

You suffer from P.M.S.?

Carlene

Um... actually back home we call it F.T.S... Fixin' To Start. And then when it finally arrives, you say your cousin's visiting. And that's why it was so funny this morning when Anthony said Julia's cousin was visiting, I thought that Julia was... Fixin' To Start.... then you showed up

Allison

(to Mary Jo) Incidentally, I assume you meant for your lips to be that color this morning.

Mary Jo

Yes.....I did.

Allison

Ok. I'm just a person who believes if someone has a bird on their head you should tell them.

Charlene

Mary Jo, guess what I found in the mall last night. Carlene and I went shopping, and I had this picture of my whole family put on this button....see? Here's my mama and my daddy, all my brothers and all my sisters. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna wear it when I meet the Queen....see that way she gets to see my whole family.

Mary Jo

Uh-huh. That will certainly set you apart from the crowd.

Allison

Let me get this straight. You're gonna wear that when you meet the Queen?

Charlene

Yeah, why?

Allison

Well, as I was just saying to Mary Jo, I believe that if someone has a bird on their head you have to tell them, and I am here to tell you that you do not impress the Queen of England by showing up with a big ol' soup plate on your breast with 49 hicks emblazoned on it!