[Suzanne tries to comfort a worried and distraught Julia after Reese's heart attack.]
I know, but you can't. He wouldn't even know you were there.
But I would. I can't stand to think about him dying with strangers. That's the way it happened with Hayden. (sobbing) They wouldn't let me be with him, and he was calling for me!
Julia, listen to me. I know how you feel about that. That's why I told the doctor that if at any time it looks like Reese isn't gonna make it, they're to come out here and get you.
CMCharlene and Mary Jo
You did?
Yes, I did. And you know what? They haven't come for you, have they?
Yes, it is. Thank you for doing that. (crying and hugging Suzanne)
We're just gonna sit down here together, and you rest your head on my shoulder okay?
Charlene(to Mary Jo) It's amazing, isn't it? Most of the time she goes around without the sense God gave a goose. Look at her. I mean, one crisis, and she's Scarlett O'Hara.
A couple of hoods got after Julia.
Hoods love Julia. It's that little sashay in her walk.
Charlene
Well, what'd they say?
Does it matter? They said the same asinine things they always say.
Charlene
I know, but just out of curiosity what was it?
Charlene, we always go through this. Why do you have to know?
Charlene
I don't know. It's a sickness.
All right, Charlene. If you must know, they said, "Hey Sweet Meat. What it is. Mmm - mmm, strut it out. Bring it on home to me now." OK?
[The ladies are forced to sleep in bunk beds in a tacky room after dealing with an assortment of oddball singles.]
Why are you so quiet down there, Julia?
I'm just trying to say my prayers.
Charlene
What were you praying for?
If you must know, I was praying, number one, that you all would let me go to sleep. Number two, that I'm not seated next to Club Mel at breakfast. And number three, I was thanking God that I did not grow up with a mother who wore a leopard-skin headband, white see-through T-shirt and glued rhinestones to her fingernails.
[After being trapped in the hotel room all night:]
I think this illness has affected your brain. Or, I've just never before noticed the extent of your unequalled ability to be fascinated at absolutely nothing.
Charlene
Y'know, Julia, I used to think that if I were a man I'd be interested in you, but not anymore!!
I'm just a little upset because Quint doesn't believe in Santa Claus anymore. As a matter of fact he says he's gonna prove it once and for all — he's been up in his room working on all these traps.
Charlene
How come he doesn't think there is one?
He says reindeers couldn't have the staying power, y'know, to go all the way around the world in one night. He wanted to know if Santa had some kinda deal with Federal Express.
Boy, he's awful young to be so cynical.
Hey, that's not so young. I was only 3 when I quit believing.
Charlene
Oh, somebody told you?
Yeah. My Uncle Willie. There wasn't enough money for presents, so he just came to me and told me that Santa Claus had been stabbed.
Charlene
Oh my gosh!!
Yeah, Uncle Willie didn't have a lot of couth. Anyway, I was pretty upset. The next year I wrote a letter to the elves. All I asked for was a baseball glove because, y'know, I figured they had there hands full with Santa gone and everything. But I guess Uncle Willie couldn't get it together that year either, because Christmas Eve he came into my room and told me that the elves had been killed in a sledding accident.
We've been acting a little childish about things that didn't measure up to Christmases past. Have we forgotten how lucky we are to have had those Christmases in the first place?
Charlene
You're right. No matter how old I get, nothing's ever gonna measure up to my entire family sitting in front of a fire on Christmas Eve singing "Silent Night." Daddy reading from the Bible — Harold Thomas sitting on his lap — me on one side, Mama on the other. Y'know, I've just gotta be grateful I had that. Nothing is ever gonna be greater than that...except maybe heaven. Anthony...you're crying.
I know. I thought you were gonna tell another one of those stories about your daddy needing a bank loan, and it got to me before I realized you were on another track.
I know I'm especially grateful to have my son here on Christmas Day — whose eyes I can look into and still see his father. And I'm grateful to Charlene for making that possible...and to Suzanne, for turning down a vacation in Switzerland just to hear me play the piano. And I'm grateful that I have a friend like Mary Jo who cries because her little boy doesn't believe in Santa Claus. And I'm also grateful that I know someone like Anthony, who is such a good sport about breaking a leg!
Charlene
Julia, you're starting to sound like the piano lady at the Holiday Inn Tap Room.
I know! It's Christmas...and I can't help myself!
Now play "The First Noel" for my pig.
[After much soul-searching, Charlene pays a visit to her minister, Reverend Nunn.]
Charlene
For the past nine years I've come to you with whatever problems, worries or grief I've had in my life, and I really appreciate the way you've looked after me. But, I don't think I can do that anymore.
RNReverend Nunn
Charlene, you don't mean that.
Charlene
I've been up all night, and I just can't figure out how I can belong to a church that doesn't think I am fit to preach God's word.
RNReverend Nunn
You want to be a minister?
Charlene
Well, I've never told anyone this before, but as a matter of fact I did. When I was about six or seven, I got my first Bible. It had my name embossed in gold across the front. My parents gave it to me the night I was baptised. I'll never forget it came with this beautiful cardboard bookmark that had Jesus with a pink halo painted on it. I don't know — there was something about the way the light shown in that picture — I couldn't take my eyes off of it. I thought, "Boy, that's for me." I was gonna travel the world preaching and teaching — maybe even become a saint.
RNReverend Nunn
What happened?
Charlene
I don't know. I guess I figured I couldn't make saint. Anyway, my point is, I had that dream because no one told me I couldn't. But what about all those other little girls out there, hundreds of them, just waiting to become ministers and spend their lives preaching God's word — except for the fact that you and a bunch of other people got together and decided that God doesn't want that. That just doesn't make any sense, Reverend Nunn. I mean, for what possible reason would God not want that?
RNReverend Nunn
That's not for us to say, Charlene. I don't think we should question his wisdom.
Charlene
I'm not. I'm questioning yours. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for everything you've done for me. I'll never forget you.
RNReverend Nunn
Charlene, I wish you'd give this some more thought. Let me put you in touch with another minister. Maybe he can counsel you.
Charlene
No. Thanks anyway. I'll be talking to someone, but I think I'll keep this one just between me and God. Don't look so surprised, after all, we have his number too.
[Charlene drops back by Sugarbaker's to pick up her purse and finds Julia still there.]
Charlene
Aren't you supposed to be at the church?
Charlene
Why?
I just can't do it, that's all. I know you're disappointed in me. I'm disappointed in myself.
Charlene
Why don't you think you can do it? Are you still afraid you can't hit that high note?
That, among other things.
Charlene
What other things?
Oh, I don't know — laryngitis, forgetting the words, getting my choir robe trapped up in my pantyhose — you name it, I've thought of it.
Charlene
(sad and teary) I just resigned from my church.
Oh, Charlene. I'm so sorry.
Charlene
Yeah, me too.
Is there anything I can do?
Charlene
Yes, as a matter of fact there is. My minister, Reverend Nunn, is gonna be at the closing ceremony tonight, and for some reason I need to be proud of women tonight. I wanna hear you hit that high note.
No, Charlene. No, I can't.
Charlene
Yes you can. Julia, I know you can. Now what I just did took more courage than I ever thought I had, and it would be impossible for me to have more courage than you.
Charlene
Well... 'cause you're my hero.
Charlene
Even better.
Charlene, that's a nice idea, but just because you have faith in me doesn't mean I'll be able to do it.
Charlene
Well, who said anything about having faith in you? I'm just asking you to have the guts to step up to the microphone and open your mouth. I think I can get him to supply the notes.
Exactly how sure are you?
Charlene
Just a feeling. Oh please, Julia. Do it for me. Do it for all us girls.
You mean you, Mary Jo and Suzanne?
Charlene
I mean all us girls... everywhere.
[The ladies gather around Mary Jo's television to watch Julia's one-minute speech on the news against Commissioner Brickett.]
I know someone who's not going to think Julia's too wonderful.
Charlene
Who?
Charlene
Wilson Pickett?
You know, that black guy with the bow tie. Where have you been, Charlene? I mean that's what we're doing here.
Charlene
Suzanne, his name is not Wilson Pickett, it's Wilson Brickett. Wilson Pickett's a black singer.
Charlene
How do you figure you were close, because they're both black? You might as well have said Don King.
Charlene
Who's Don King?! You don't know who he is either?
Oh yeah, I know who he is. He's that guy who sings "Tiny Bubbles."
Charlene
"Tiny Bubbles"?! Suzanne, Don King does not sing "Tiny Bubbles," that's Don Ho! (to Julia) She just does this to drive me insane. It's like we're the Smothers brothers, and she's Tommy and I'm Dick.
(walks in with a tray) What is the matter?
Oh, I don't know, Mary Jo, it's just Charlene. She's in here raving about "Tiny Bubbles" and calling herself Dick.
[The ladies discuss breast size, making reference to Suzanne.]
Suzanne's had those as long as I can remember. She was born with them. Mother and Daddy and I used to sit around and just stare at them. It's just the spin of the ole' genetic wheel. I think I've been amply compensated.
Charlene
What's that mean?
It means Suzanne got the boobs, and she (pointing to Julia) got the brains.
I don't think I like the turn this conversation has taken.
Oh, c'mon... big boobs/tiny brains... it's a story as old as the hills — I didn't write it.
Charlene
Mary Jo!!! I cannot believe you would even repeat that!!
Oh, I'm just kidding. It's just the Littlest Angel's way of kind of evening the score.
What's this "Littlest Angel" stuff anyway?
It's the name of a training bra, Suzanne. I'm sure you wouldn't know anything about that.
A training bra... you little people have to train yours, and you call us dumb.....
Charlene
Julia, what did he say to you?
Charlene, why do you always want to know these things?
Charlene
Oh I'm just curious. Come on, we all told.
All right Charlene, if you must know he said, "Mmm-mmm. Lookin' good. I want it. I need it. Got to-got to-have it-now."
(leaning her chin in toward Julia) Julia, do you see anything else there?
Good. Cause if I get another one, I'm just gonna have to get a gun and shoot myself through the head.
Why don't you shoot yourself in the chin? Maybe that way you'll hit the root.
I'm glad you all find this so amusing.
Charlene
Oh c'mon, Suzanne. Don't you think you're being just a little bit shallow?
No, I do not Charlene. I don't think it is shallow not to want to go through life wearing a goatee.
[Suzanne says she doesn't want to date a blind man.]
Charlene
We're talkin' about a millionaire who spends his weekends with under-privileged kids. I mean, we're talkin' about a Phi Beta Kappa from Vanderbilt who still knows why Hee-Haw is funny. I mean, men like that are just not walking the streets.
Well, that's good. Because men like that would be bumping into each other.
[Discussing Charlene's little brother:]
Let me get this straight. He's never had a girlfriend, he knits sweaters and he works at the beauty shop?
Charlene
Well, he goes to Three Rivers Junior College, too. What are you gettin' at?
Well, I don't mean to get personal Charlene, but has it ever occurred to you that maybe Odell is involved in some homosexual activity?
Charlene
Suzanne! I mean, just because a person is sensitive and artistic doesn't mean he's gay. Not that that would matter to me anyway.
Well I think he sounds like an interesting and talented young man.
I think he sounds like a woman.
Bear in mind that this comes from the lips of a woman who thought there was a patron saint for homosexuals named, "Saint Francis of a Sissy."
Designing Women · 255 quotes
