Mary Jo quotes from Designing Women

Mary Jo

"Dial 1-800 EAT MY SHORTS!"

Mary Jo

"Because I have had it up to hear with your I's and one's and everything that comes from Mount Julia!"

Mary Jo

"I said, PROOFREAD IT! That means, SPELL CHECK. And AS for YOUR OPINION, sometimes we don't want to hear your opinion, and sometimes we don't care if you have an opinion, and sometimes, maybe someday that you will write this down Julia.....SOMETIMES, YOUR OPINION IS WROOOOOOOOOOONNNG!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Mary Jo

What is it?

Charlene

His card! It says "Help, please call the police! I've been swallowed by a fat guy!"

Julia

Look, Mary Jo, all that I'm saying is that I'm not gonna pay one red cent on that ticket, and if I have to I'll take it all the way to the Supreme Court!

Charlene

What happened?

Mary Jo

(very dramatically) We're on the way to the bank to make that deposit, right? But the car breaks down, so while they're working on it, Julia decides that we should walk to the bank and make our "drive-thru" deposit on foot... because the inside of the bank doesn't open until 10.

Charlene

Sounds reasonable to me.

Julia

Thank you, Charlene!

Mary Jo

So there we are standing in the drive-thru, and when we "pull up"--- so to speak — to the glass window, the guy refuses to accept our deposit because we're not inside a vehicle.

Charlene

That's ridiculous.

Mary Jo

So Julia commandeers the back seat of the woman behind us and starts yelling for this woman to drive us through the drive-thru! and then the bank manager makes Julia get out of the woman's car, and then the police come. Need I say more?

Charlene

Well, Julia. If you're not gonna pay the ticket, what's your defense gonna be?

Julia

My defense is... that when I attempted to use that drive-thru window, I was indeed inside a vehicle; the vessel in which I have chosen to go through life — my body!

Suzanne

Oh Julia, don't be ridiculous. No judge is gonna believe that! If you'd gotten to choose... you would have selected a much newer model.

Julia

Oh, Anthony. We just feel terrible. I wish you'd take some more of that turkey for your dog.

Anthony

I don't want anymore of that turkey. I like my dog.

Mary Jo

Anthony, we are so sorry.

Charlene

We promise we'll make it up to you.

Anthony

Don't worry about it. It's been a fine afternoon. Happy Thanksgiving. Thanks again for turning me in for murder.

Suzanne

Myself, I prefer the older established type.

Mary Jo

You mean rich.... and terminally ill?

Is this the boy whose funeral you're planning?

Julia

Where did you hear that?

I heard the rumors, but I didn't actually believe it was true! Now I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings, but if these boys hadn't been doing what they were doing, they wouldn't be getting what's coming to them now.

Mary Jo

Imogene, gays aren't the only ones getting it.

No, but they're the ones who started it.

Actually nobody knows how it got started. Gays are just one of the first groups it showed up in.

Yes, and for a good reason... you reap what you sow. You boys brought this on yourselves. As far as I'm concerned this disease has one thing going for it... it's killing all the right people!

Julia

Imogene, I'm terribly sorry. I'm gonna have to ask you to move your car.

Why?

Julia

(pulling her towards the door) Because you're leaving. The only thing worse than all these people who never had any morals before AIDS are all you holier-than-thou types who think you're exempt from getting it.

Well, for your information, I am exempt. I haven't lived like these people, and I don't care what you say, Julia Sugarbaker, I believe this is God's punishment for what they've done.

Suzanne

Oh yeah? Then how come lesbians get it less?

That is not for me to say... I just know that these people are getting what they deserve!

Julia

Imogene, get serious! Who do you think you're talking to? I've known you for 27 years, and all I can say is... if God was giving out sexually transmitted diseases to people as a punishment for sinning, that you would be at the free clinic all the time! ... and so would the rest of us!

Bernice

I think she makes a good point.

Oh, who cares what you think?! (she points at her head) You're not even all there!

Bernice

(shocked) Well, as long as we're on the subject, (pointing at her chest) neither are you!

(totally furious) Well, you needn't look forward to any more of my business in this lifetime!

Julia

Wonderful! I'll close up your account! And another thing, my son has an A in chemistry! In fact, he's making all As! In everything — including P.E!

Let's quit kidding around, shall we? What you're actually saying, Mrs. Shively, is that if your 15-year-old daughter is determined to have sex, that you won't mind her going to a school dance with a boy who has a condom in his wallet paid for by your tax dollars. Isn't that right?

Mary Jo

What I am saying is I have a dear, sweet, funny friend -- 24 years old, not very much older than the kids we're talking about here -- and he came to me this week and asked me to help plan his funeral because he's dying.....from AIDS -- something that he got before he even knew what it was or how to prevent it. I've been thinking about his mother this week, and what she might give for the opportunity that I have tonight -- that we all still have here tonight -- because now we know how to prevent AIDS. And I think it really shouldn't matter what your personal views are on birth control, because we're not just talking about preventing births anymore. We're talking about preventing deaths. Twenty-five thousand Americans have died, and we're still debating. Well, for me, the debate is over. More important than what any civic leaders, PTA, or Board of Education thinks about teenagers having sex, or any immoral act that my daughter or your son might engage in..... the bottom line is I don't think they should have to die for it. Thank you.

Julia

I want to be with Reese.

Suzanne

I know, but you can't. He wouldn't even know you were there.

Julia

But I would. I can't stand to think about him dying with strangers. That's the way it happened with Hayden. (sobbing) They wouldn't let me be with him, and he was calling for me!

Suzanne

Julia, listen to me. I know how you feel about that. That's why I told the doctor that if at any time it looks like Reese isn't gonna make it, they're to come out here and get you.

Julia

You did?

You did?

Suzanne

Yes, I did. And you know what? They haven't come for you, have they?

Julia

No, they haven't.

Suzanne

See, that's a good sign.

Julia

Yes, it is. Thank you for doing that. (crying and hugging Suzanne)

Suzanne

We're just gonna sit down here together, and you rest your head on my shoulder okay?

Charlene

(to Mary Jo) It's amazing, isn't it? Most of the time she goes around without the sense God gave a goose. Look at her. I mean, one crisis, and she's Scarlett O'Hara.

Mary Jo

A couple of hoods got after Julia.

Suzanne

Hoods love Julia. It's that little sashay in her walk.

Charlene

Well, what'd they say?

Julia

Does it matter? They said the same asinine things they always say.

Charlene

I know, but just out of curiosity what was it?

Julia

Charlene, we always go through this. Why do you have to know?

Charlene

I don't know. It's a sickness.

Julia

All right, Charlene. If you must know, they said, "Hey Sweet Meat. What it is. Mmm - mmm, strut it out. Bring it on home to me now." OK?

Mary Jo

Why are you so quiet down there, Julia?

Julia

I'm just trying to say my prayers.

Charlene

What were you praying for?

Julia

If you must know, I was praying, number one, that you all would let me go to sleep. Number two, that I'm not seated next to Club Mel at breakfast. And number three, I was thanking God that I did not grow up with a mother who wore a leopard-skin headband, white see-through T-shirt and glued rhinestones to her fingernails.

Julia

Mary Jo, what on Earth is the matter now?

Mary Jo

It's this stupid dress of Suzanne's. This is so typical. It's just like her to hang this by my bed so it won't get wrinkled in the closet. As if I'm so little it won't bother me. She does this kind of thing to me all the time.

Julia

Why don't you just take it down?

Mary Jo

Actually, this fascinates me. These bra cups are huge. It's kinda like this is the corral where Suzanne keeps her bosom, and I'm the hired hand who guards 'em while she takes 'em out on a midnight ride.

Mary Jo

Charlene? You're awful quiet. What're you thinking about?

Charlene

Oh, I was thinking this is the first Christmas ever I haven't gone home. Then I was thinking how many men there are in my family named Virgil. I mean, I don't think we've ever gotten together on a holiday where there weren't at least two or three Virgils — sometimes even a baby named Virgil. What were you thinking?

Mary Jo

Same thing.

Suzanne

Hi. What's going on?

Julia

Suzanne...where did you get that pig?

Suzanne

What pig? Oh, you mean this pig. Well, y'see... Consuela's entire family has just arrived from San Salvador for the holidays... and uh... this is their gift to me. Y'know, they're very big in meat packing. Well, anyway... I tried to board her with a private kennel — they won't take her, and I'm sure not about to have her slaughtered. By the way, do you all have any idea how difficult it is to find a 26-inch rhinestone collar?

Julia

I cannot believe that you are walking around with this big pig on a leash.

Suzanne

Why not? It just fits my mood. This is the worst Christmas I ever had. All my vacation plans fell through, and I haven't heard a thing from any of my ex-husbands — not even a Christmas card.

Mary Jo

Well, what about Hugh? Aren't you still dating him?

Suzanne

No, not anymore. He's in intensive care again. He's always in intensive care and I'm just sick of it.

Julia

Suzanne, after all, he is 80 years old.

Suzanne

Oh, he's just a big hypochondriac. Anyway, I was sitting there last night feeling sorry for myself, y'know, and Noel came over and nudged me with her little snout. She is ugly, isn't she? (giggling) I am genuinely fond of this pig. I guess you could say she was there for me when I was lonely and needed a friend.

Julia

As your sister I have to tell you one thing.

Suzanne

What's that?

Julia

:leaning in We're not taking that pig shopping.