[Suzanne enters with a pig on a leash. The pig is wearing a puffy pink "shirt" and a silver bow on her head... .. Everyone just gawks...]
Hi. What's going on?
Suzanne...where did you get that pig?
What pig? Oh, you mean this pig. Well, y'see... Consuela's entire family has just arrived from San Salvador for the holidays... and uh... this is their gift to me. Y'know, they're very big in meat packing. Well, anyway... I tried to board her with a private kennel — they won't take her, and I'm sure not about to have her slaughtered. By the way, do you all have any idea how difficult it is to find a 26-inch rhinestone collar?
I cannot believe that you are walking around with this big pig on a leash.
Why not? It just fits my mood. This is the worst Christmas I ever had. All my vacation plans fell through, and I haven't heard a thing from any of my ex-husbands — not even a Christmas card.
Well, what about Hugh? Aren't you still dating him?
No, not anymore. He's in intensive care again. He's always in intensive care and I'm just sick of it.
Suzanne, after all, he is 80 years old.
Oh, he's just a big hypochondriac. Anyway, I was sitting there last night feeling sorry for myself, y'know, and Noel came over and nudged me with her little snout. She is ugly, isn't she? (giggling) I am genuinely fond of this pig. I guess you could say she was there for me when I was lonely and needed a friend.
As your sister I have to tell you one thing.
What's that?
:leaning in We're not taking that pig shopping.
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