Julia quotes from Designing Women

Suzanne

I think these pantyhose are too dark for this dress.

Julia

Oh, my goodness. Suzanne, do something. That could be embarrassing. I mean, in 45 minutes when the finest people in Georgia are gathered here before me, I wouldn't want anyone to say, "Did you see that woman with her head stuck in the staircase? Yes. That woman the Governor just stepped over? Don't you think her pantyhose are a little dark for her dress?"

Suzanne

Now, listen, I have a lighter pair right here.

Julia

Suzanne, of all the experiences I would like to avoid, I believe having my pantyhose changed in the front hallway of the Governor's Mansion would rank right up there.

Suzanne

Well, just excuse me for livin'. It wasn't something I was going to particularly enjoy myself, anyway.

Suzanne

I can’t believe first class is full up. We’re back here traveling in coach, we might as well be on a subway.

Suzanne

And I'll tell you something else. I am not eating octopus, walking around in my stocking feet or takin a bath with my neighbors no matter what those little people say.

Julia

It's always stimulating to travel with the international voice of racism.

Suzanne

Where are our seats?

Julia

I don't know. If history teaches us anything, mine will be next to a baby who smokes.

Julia

You should sit here. I should sit in the middle.

Suzanne

It's too late Julia, I called dibs.(to Japanese looking man sitting by the window) Didn't I? Ah, you don't understand. They probably don't have dibs in your country. I just hate traveling to underdeveloped lands.(to Julia) By the way, just what is he doing sitting by the window? Everybody knows I always have to sit by the window. He's sittin' in my seat.(to man by the window) Excuse me! Excuse me! Julia, give me that phrase book. Does it tell you how to say "you just get your little butt out of my window seat right this minute"?

Julia

I guess I’m excited about seeing mother again, visiting a totally new country. Of course, seeing Japan with mother will be seeing the "Real Japan".

Suzanne

Julia, I am just here to visit mother and pick up a car. I do not want to have any cultural experiences. As for seeing the "Real Japan", I’ve noticed that whenever people start talking about seeing the "real" anything, what they’re talking about basically, is hanging around with poor people. Now I say, I don’t hang around with poor people at home, why should I do it on vacation?

Suzanne

Will you please take your hand off my breast.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Suzanne

Not you. Julia.

Julia

Suzanne, I'm tired. I've had it. Now I need some place to rest my hand and if you've got something to rest it on, I'm gonna use it. Just be quiet and go to sleep.

Suzanne

My car fell into the ocean? I can't believe this. It's gone? Everything's gone? Three days of eating garbage out of vending machines and sleeping with a man we don't even know and for what? A car at the bottom of the ocean!

Julia

(to the car dealer) I'm very sorry. I'm going to need the spelling of your name.

Suzanne

Well, I left her a note on the windshield.

Julia

Saying what?

Suzanne

What I always say in a note when I ding a parked car. "Hi there, I dinged your car. The people watching me write this probably think I'm leaving you my name and address. Signed, Guess Who."

Julia

Suzanne, it's just human nature. People love to see beautiful women get old or fat.

Suzanne

All my life I've had to fight my weight, and I admit, food has been my security blanket. But also, I just gain weight more easily than some people, like you... you've always had that tiny waist and those skinny little legs. But I can't be that, and people have always tried to make me be that.

Julia

Suzanne, you're not alone. I'd be willing to bet most of the people in this country are overweight.

Suzanne

The point is it's different for women, especially beautiful women. Just look at Elizabeth Taylor. I bet I've seen National Velvet maybe twenty times, and if she never did anything else in her life, what a contribution that was. But all of a sudden because she got fat, it was like she no longer had the right to live in this country. That's how I feel right now. Drugs, alcohol, cancer... whatever your problems, people are sympathetic.....unless you're fat, and then you're supposed to be ashamed. I mean, everything is set up to tell you that; magazine covers, clothes. 'If you're not thin, you're not neat, and that's it.' And if looks are all you've ever had...

Julia

What do you mean 'If looks are all you ever had'? Suzanne, first of all don't be a dummy. Your looks will never be in the past tense. That face speaks for itself, and it's here to stay. And secondly, even if that weren't so... who cares!

Suzanne

What do you mean?

Julia

I mean, you and I are getting pretty far along in life, and I have been able to figure out a couple of things.

Suzanne

Are you gonna give me the key?

Julia

Yes, as a matter-of-fact I am. In the end it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about you. You have to be exactly who and what you want to be. Most everyone is floating along on phony public relations. People who say being beautiful, or rich or thin makes them happy — people who are trying to make their marriages and their children seem better than they actually are.... and for what?! Appearances. Appearances don't count for diddly! In the end, all the really matter is what was true, and truly said, and how we treated one another. And that's it.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh

Don't cry, Mary Jo. What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong. She's just jealous because I was the first baby born after midnite — January One, 1990.

I'm not jealous, I'm hungry!! I only weighed in at five pounds.sucks her thumb

Yeah, like that's a problem. You know you're little and tiny and cute. Of course you're not as cute as some people. Hey where's that mirror-mobile? I like that thing.

Suzanne, suck your pacifier.

Ohh!! A little fussy today aren't we? Well, you're all just jealous because I won the new car. I was the first baby. I won, I won, I won!

Suzanne, I am not fussy today. I just don't particularly care for the head nurse. She is so superior! I'm especially tired of her coming in here every five minutes with that thermometer. I'd like to tell her where to stick it.....but apparently she already knows.

Well I think this whole place is great. It's twenty-four hour room service, and look! [She holds up her hospital ID bracelet.] Free jewelry!

Are you serious?

Yeah, I think it's pretty.

Well, I'm glad you're developing a taste for cheap bracelets. You're gonna need that later on in life. And by the way, would someone kindly tell me what is he doing here?

Excuse me, but to whom are you referring?

Oh, well like I'm the only one here who noticed! Hasn't anyone else asked themselves what is wrong with this picture?

He's different!

Oh, I know. I especially noticed during the diaper change. He's definitely different.

That's right, very very different. And I'll tell you something else. For some reason, I do not particularly appreciate being put behind these bars. Whaaaaahhhh!! I don't want to be incarcerated anymore! Let me out! I'm busting out of here now!!

Oh keep your diapers on!! You wouldn't even make it to the hallway.

Well maybe not on my own... but I'm gonna be driving that little car right there.

Whaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!

I was just gonna borrow it. I'll bring it back.

You can't take that!! It's my car, I won it. I'm the New Years baby!

Not anymore!! Not anymore!!

That's my car!! That's my car!!!

Julia

All right, that's it. Look, Ms. Langford.

Please, call me Gaby.

Julia

No, I won't call you Gaby. You haven't taken the time to learn any of our names.

Well, that's not so. I know Anthony.

Julia

That's right, you do. First you kept us waiting for 35 minutes. And then when you decided you were bored enough to come downstairs, the only thing you've acted the least bit interested in is seducing our delivery man.

Seducing? If that's what you think I was doing, then obviously you don't have the artistic sensibility required to work with me.

Julia

No, Ms. Langford. What I don't have that's required to work with you is patience.

Charlene

Julia --

Julia

Because quite frankly, I find you rude, horny, lazy and dumb.

Suzanne

I'm serious, Julia. I do not want you to get up on your soap box about this one. Otherwise, I might have to point out to everyone that you own a fur coat yourself. You know what I'm referring to.

Julia

Mother's mink? Suzanne, you know I never wear that. It's a family heirloom. It was grandmother's, for heaven's sake. It's just a souvenir of someone we loved.

Suzanne

Maybe. All I'm saying is . . . you own a mink. So, speaking of big steel-jawed traps . . . you can just keep yours shut.

Julia

Hanging up the phone Well, that's it. There are two million people in this city, and apparently we are the first ones to ever come up with the notion of renting a van after 5 o'clock in the evening.

Charlene

Why don't you try this one — Krazy Joe's Junkers. He's crazy, so maybe he stays open later.

Julia

That's who I was just talking to.

Charlene

Really? Julia, you called a guy named Krazy Joe?

Julia

Yes, Charlene. That is how desperate I am. I telephoned a man who not only calls himself Krazy Joe, but he spells crazy with a 'K' and prints the 'Z' backwards — a man who's based his entire business career on the theme of illiteracy.

Charlene

What are we going to do? Anthony is stuck out there on the 285 in the pouring rain with that awful Mrs. Fricke and all her furniture.

Suzanne

Well I know what to do. It's real simple too. We call the police and tell them that Anthony is an escape convict who's stolen a load of antiques and taken a white woman hostage. They'll just rush right down here with one of those big ol' paddywagons and pick Anthony up — probably even deliver the furniture.

Julia

Where is Mrs. Fricke?

Charlene

She's in the van still stuck on the highway. (to Anthony) I bet she's mad. I mean, I hate to criticize, but even on a good day she's kind of cranky. (to the ladies) He says she's in a good mood.

Mary Jo

Gee. Maybe we should have stuck her out on the freeway in a leaky van a long time ago.

Charlene

What? He says she's happy because this is her last furniture shipment and if it's not delivered by midnight tonight her entire job is free.

Julia

Where would she get a bizarre idea like that?

Suzanne

I saw it on a pizza ad.

Mary Jo

Great, Suzanne. Why don't you just give away free pepperoni on the sofas?!

Suzanne

There! You see? That shows how good you'd be at sales because that wouldn't work at all. You people act like it's just so easy for me to hustle up business for this place, like I've just got to stand on the corner and go "Hey! Drapes and coffee tables!" and people just come running. Well you're wrong. I have to flirt, I have to deal, I have to lie, and sometimes I even have to threaten. THAT is called SALES. It's not pretty. I am, but it's not.

Charlene

Suzanne, I can't believe you did that. That is thousands and thousands of dollars. We can't afford to pay for all that stuff.

Suzanne

Hey, I sell stuff — I'm the front-end person. You're supposed to deliver it — you're the rear-end people.

Julia

Ok, we're about to run out of time, so I'm going to be blunt. Suzanne, it does not further negotiations to have you popping your cleavage on that man's desk.

Suzanne

I think it furthers things just fine. I had him confused.

Julia

You certainly did. Everytime he looked at your chest, we had to listen to that story again about the summer he worked on the dairy farm.

Suzanne

Well excuse me for taking charge of the situation. You all weren't doing very well, and I am the expert in this area. When it comes to taking something from a man, I know what I'm doing. I wish you two would stop undermining my plans.

Julia

Suzanne, we have already seem Plan A and Plan B — you can just put them away now.