Julia quotes from Designing Women

Julia

Good morning, Suzanne. Did you speak to Tika Ford?

Suzanne

Yes I did — had breakfast with her at the club, and she marked the tear sheet she wanted. Oh, and Julia, she wants to know how you liked the birthday present she sent you.

Julia

Oh, please. Nancy Reagan's book.

Suzanne

Well she said it was a gag gift.

Julia

Well it certainly made me gag.

Mary Jo

So how'd it go?

Charlene

I fell asleep.

Mary Jo

When?

Charlene

I'm not sure. I think it was right after we said hello and shook hands.

Julia

How long did you sleep?

Charlene

I think about 15 minutes. We were sitting on his sofa in his office talking about putting levalors on the windows, and I just sort of nodded off. Sometime after that he woke me up... apparently I was snoring.

Mary Jo

... and then what happened?

Charlene

I started crying.

Suzanne

You started crying?

Charlene

Well, yeah... cuz I looked down and while I'd been asleep I'd gotten these great big wet milk spots on the front of my blouse.

Suzanne

Oh my lord!!

Charlene

It was just so humiliating.

Suzanne

Oh my lord!!

Julia

(angrily) Suzanne.

Charlene

And then I just jumped up real quick and put on my coat.

Suzanne

The one with the baby spit on it?

Charlene

That's right. And thank you for telling me, Suzanne. I didn't notice 'til I'd gotten there.

Mary Jo

And then you left?

Charlene

... and that's when I fell flat on my face in the reception area.

Julia

I don't think I want to hear anymore.

Charlene

I probably wouldn't have fallen except that I'd put my pantyhose on so twisted this morning I've been walking like John Wayne all day. Then my purse came open... and y'know I had that box of baby suppositories in there. They just flew everywhere. There I was, on my hands and knees, wet, sobbing, mascara running down my face, my pantyhose twisted, trying to gather up all these little white firecrackers... ...y'know. Two of the secretaries had to lift me off the floor and help me to my car. Or maybe they were throwing me out... I don't know. I never looked back.

Mary Jo

I guess we have been sorta tacky today.

Charlene

Which I don't understand because basically, we're very nice girls.

Mary Jo

Yeah. But we don't talk half as bad as men do. Men say things like, "Yeah, I'm gonna go out and get me some tonight."

Julia

Mary Jo. I don't know any men who say that.

Charlene

Oh yeah. Reese talks like that all the time.

Charlene

I wonder what's keeping Anthony and Suzanne.

Julia

Charlene, are you serious? A six foot black man dressed like Hazel just left here with Suzanne, his co-conspirator to defraud and deceive the United States government, and you're wondering what's keeping them? Well, it's been three and a half hours. I don't think you have to wonder anymore. I think it's pretty obvious. They are in prison.

Suzanne

I'm taking y'all to la place san sucky.

Julia

But then again, I suppose in my heart I always knew that someday we would end up like this. I mean, well, it's kind of fitting isn't it? Here we are going down the highway into the dark Georgia night. Four aging Southern belles — war-torn hair, dirty faces — a nanny, a baby, and a crippled black man.

Suzanne

I never use catalogs. I'd rather go in the store and see all the salespeople people groveling and sucking up to you.

Julia

Pardon me, I never knew they were so solicitous at the K- Mart.

Y'know, the other houses were much nicer than this one. This is boring.

Well, this isn't one of our better ones. In fact, the only reason it's on the tour is because this was the home of Lucifer T. Stonewall Sugarbaker. He was a very famous horse thief and Yankee spy. Who's seen Gone With the Wind? Do you remember Belle Watling's house? Well this was the original that it was based on.

This used to be a whore house?

Julia

Alright!! That's it. This is not a whore house, this is my house. And I've had all I'm gonna take of you. You don't care about history, you just want to sell it. You don't even sell it honestly. You just want to sell the myth... the myth of the Old South. You all know that myth, don't ya? Happy darkies singing in the field while Miss Scarlett primps around throwing hissy fits. Well that's an insult. It isn't the South. It's an insult to all the people who lived and died here not so very long ago. We Southerners have had to endure many things. But one thing we Southerners don't have to endure is a bunch of bored housewives turning historical homes into theme parks, not to mention ill-mannered tourists with their Big Gulps, Mysties, Slurpees, and Frosties, their dirty feet overflowing rubber thongs, and babies who sneeze fudgecicle juice! Out!! Out of my house!! As God is my witness... I will burn it down myself before I let you in again!!

Wow! Just like the movie!

This is the best house on the tour!

[nervously trying to hurry them out Well... we aim to please. And wasn't that a wonderful piece of theater.As she leaves, she shoots Julia a vicious look!]

Mary Jo

Well... ..

Julia

Well...

Mary Jo

Julia, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I don't think you're gonna be invited to be on the tour of homes next year.

Julia

' Frankly my dear... .I don't give a damn.

Julia

(on phone) Hello, Charlene. I just wanted to thank you again for turning me into the judge. Now, the whole jury is sequestered till Lord only knows when, and I am here in Motel Hell, sharing a room with a women with no lips.

Charlene

Julia, I had to do it. We violated that law. By the way, I don't think your supposed to be making telephone calls. I'd hate to have to report this, too.

Julia

If you are so all fire, heaped up about turning people in, I believe you'll find some overdue library books in my upstairs den. Why don't you just report that too, and maybe you'll get your merit badge, you big 'ole donkey girl scout!

Charlene

Now, Julia, you sound overwrought.

Julia

Yeah, well, you're gonna think overwrought. If I miss my dinner with Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter because of this, you're going to pay and pay big. I'm going to find you and hunt you down like a dog! I'm talking about you running through the woods in the snow with blood hounds ripping your clothes off! And remember, Charlene, I have your address. You'd be wise to ask yourself "Do I know where my baby is?"!

Charlene

Julia? Julia!? (hangs up) Oh my gosh, she threatened Olivia.

Mary Jo

What'd she say?

Charlene

She said she was going to hunt me down like a dog and hire blood hounds to rip my clothes off! Now, I thought the judge was just going to give her a warning. I didn't know she was going to be shut up in a motel room. Now, Suzanne, you know Julia. I mean, when this is all over she'll realize I had to do it and forgive me, don't you think?

Suzanne

I think you and your baby should get some black wigs on and get the hell out of town.

Mary Jo

Maybe Bill can put in for a transfer. I here there's a big base up in Greenland. On second thought, Julia'd probably just strap some snow shoes to her pumps and track you down like caribou.

Charlene

I didn't know Julia had this in her.

Mary Jo

Well, we all have things about ourselves that even we don't know.

Julia

Alright, that's 7 to 4; who didn't vote? (woman raises hand) Well, Janice, what is the problem? Did you intend to mime your vote?

I'm just not comfortable making a decision yet.

Julia

I see. And yet you are perfectly comfortable smearing your face with white grease paint and annoying pedestrians all over Atlanta. Interesting. No really, Janice, I think it's time you came to a decision. As a matter of fact, I think it's time you all came to a decision. We've been here almost three days, and apparently you people have nothing better to do then to sit around here hogging up the taxpayers' money, eating baskets of fried cheese and staying at the Fair Price Motel. Which I understand some of you think is the nicest place you've stayed in a while. (The "no-lip woman" fumes) Well, let me tell you something, it is not the nicest place I've been in a while. And for your further information, I'm having dinner with a former president and first lady of the United States tonight, because we are all going to be out of here. And the reason we're all going to be out of here is that this case is very simple. Did any of you listen to the judge's instructions? He practically told us to acquit. The case is frivolous! The defendant was not negligent. Case closed! Q.E.D.! Over and out! Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more! Go up to the table and mark your ballots, and if you don't mark them right, I'm going rip that fire extinguisher off the wall and blow your overfed, under-read, simple-minded butts out onto the Fair Price Motel parking lot!

I don't think jury members are supposed to threaten each other. I don't appreciate that.

Julia

Oh, really? Well, I don't appreciate you leaving you big ol' box of June Allyson bladder pads on my night stand for all the maids and bellboys to see! Of course, you don't care if you never get out of here; you don't even have to get up to go to the bathroom! Now, I am passing these slips for the final ballot, and I want to tell you right now, read my lips: Mark your slip wrong, and I will wrap it around a fried cheese ball and shove it down your throat!

Julia

Why don't you want to talk to Bernice?

Anthony

Because that hooker she had booked on her show cancelled out.

Charlene

I know. I told her to call my friend Monette for help.

Anthony

We tried that, but Monette and Atlanta's better class of prostitutes have gone to Las Vegas for a convention. Consequently, in Bernice's hour of need, Atlanta is suffering a severe shortage. Now we were out until three in the morning driving around in her cadillac looking for — as she put it — "fresh meat". I nearly wrapped the car around a post when she leaned out the window and yelled, "Work it, girl! How'd you like to strut your stuff on public access?!"

"I'm not eating this crap!"

Julia

Now! What's the magic word?

CRAP!

Julia

That's not an answer! (Julia chases Randa into the kitchen.)

Allison

Oh Julia, just so you know..... the next time you see your lawyer on company time, it's going on your record.

Julia

Just so you know... the next time you speak to me in that tone of voice, you're going to the moon.

Carlene

Why'd she (Suzanne) move to Japan anyway?

Julia

Well, Suzanne was very attracted to the Japanese economy. They have a very large elderly population there, and she had dated most of the men in this country.

Carlene

Well that was something about her dating that Emperor Hirohito wouldn't it?

Charlene

Oh no, Carlene. That was the nephew of Emperor Hirohito. I mean, Emperor Hirohito is dead.

Mary Jo

... never stopped Suzanne in the past.

Allison

So... that's Mark Bayswell.

Julia

Uh huh.

Allison

That's the man who's going to take you back into the world of dating.

Julia

That's right.

Allison

Uh HUH.

Julia

What exactly do you mean by 'uh huh?'

Allison

Nothing. You just proved my point, that's all.

Julia

What's your point?

Allison

Julia!! That is the gayest human being I've ever seen in my life!

Julia

He is Not!

Allison

Julia!! He was wearing a Lacoste. He knows what a peplum is. In a twenty second conversation he managed to work in 'Ida Lupino.' And he has never laid a finger on you, am I right?

Julia

I'm not going to answer that.

Allison

You just did.

Allison

Julia, wait! I just wanted to hear how your "date" went last night.

Julia

Y'know, Allison, you're very clever with those quotation marks, but just for the record, I prefer my conversations straight forward and unencumbered by little rabbit gestures. Do you "get it?"

Allison

But I was right wasn't I? Your "boyfriend" didn't lay a hand on you, did he?

Julia

Not that it is remotely even any of your business, but just to wipe that smirk off your face, I will tell you. You were not right. He is positively not gay.

Allison

How do you know?

Julia

I picked up subtle signals while he had his tongue down my throat. Now what do you say to that?

Allison

(dumbfounded.....) He must be bi.

Julia

Allison, he is NOT!! You were wrong! You're always wrong, and you never want to admit it. He is straight! There is no question about it. He made that fact uncomfortably clear!

Allison

"Uncomfortably?" (as Allison makes her quotation mark gestures, Julia grabs her hands... ) Oh, I'm sorry! It's a habit.....it's going to take some getting used to. I'm just so interested in this word "uncomfortably." I mean, it seems there's something you're not admitting, Little Miss Cards-on-the-table.

Julia

Oh, alright. I'll give you that. I guess subconsciously I did think Mark was gay and therefore I was safe.

Anthony

Julia, excuse me for overhearing, but I just want to add my two cents.

Julia

Oh please!! I do so want to hear from everyone on this subject! Call your friends!

Anthony

I was just going to say; you can't force yourself to start dating if it isn't time. I know because there came a day in my life when I wasn't interested in any romantic involvement at all. The whole idea didn't appeal to me, period, and no matter who approached me, I just wasn't interested.

Julia

Really, Anthony? When was that?

Anthony

That was the day I entered prison.