[Mary Jo drags Julia to a keg party for moral support as she breaks off with her younger boyfriend, Kenny. As Julia returns from the powder room she runs into Kenny.]
KKenny
Mrs. Sugarbaker! How 'bout you and I going out sometime? I bet I could pick up a thing or two from you.
JuliaWell, I doubt that, Kenny. But I might be able to offer you one piece of wisdom.
KKenny
Oh yeah? What's that?
Julia
I believe that you will find as years go by, and you get older and wiser, traversing life's little ups and downs, that underwear probably really doesn't make all that good of a hat.(turning to Mary Jo and speaking loudly to be heard over the music) The powder room isn't really functional now. The keg is in the bathtub and it seems the tap is slow. This is a source of some concern for all the young men in there because they are trying to fill Craig's funnel. Craig, it seems, drinks his beer out of a funnel.
[Charlene tracks Julia down by phone for advice on handling her fiance's snooty family, who thinks she has no class . . . Julia continues in her loud voice in order to hear herself.]
Julia
If you must know, Charlene, I'm at a keg party.
Julia! I can't imagine you at a keg party! I mean . . . y'know, you have so much class.
Julia
That's just the point, Charlene. If you have class, you have it. It doesn't matter where you are or who you're with . . . and I have to go now because Craig is getting ready to drink out of the funnel.
Suzanne, if you want one of my cookies, why don't you just ask?
Why should I do that for? I've been getting as many as I want without asking.
Julia
Don't try to reason with her, Anthony. Suzanne does not understand the concept of fairness. She only understands punishment and reward. If you don't want her to eat anymore of your cookies, I suggest you put a little mousetrap in there. Let it snap on her hand once, I guarantee she'll get the point.
[A sleazy photographer, DeWitt Chiles, goes one step too far when he asks Julia to pose for a photo shoot while sucking pearls.]
Julia
THAT'S IT!!!!
CCHILES
What? What are you saying?
Julia
I'm saying I want you and your equipment out of here now. If you are looking for somebody to suck pearls, then I suggest you try finding yourself an oyster. Because I am not a woman who does that, as a matter of fact, I don't know any woman who does that, because it's stupid. And it doesn't have any more to do with decorating than having cleavage and looking sexy has to do with working in a bank. These are not pictures about the women of Atlanta. These are about just the same thing they're always about. And it doesn't matter whether the clothes are on or off... it's just the same ol' message. And I don't care how many pictures you've taken of movie stars — when you start snapping photos of serious, successful businessmen like Donald Trump and Lee Iacocca in unzipped jumpsuits with wet lips, straddling chairs, then we'll talk.
[Suzanne wants to practice her self-defense course lessons:]
Suzanne, why are you so interested in this course now? I mean, you didn't even want to go the first time. Now every time I see you it's, "Charlene threaten me, Charlene come at me with a knife, Charlene mug me at the Ready Teller."
Okay, Julia, come on. Come at me with a knife. I dare you.
Julia
Suzanne, I appreciate your enthusiasm for our anti-mugging course, and I must admit that occasionally this week I have enjoyed choking you, but this is a place of business.
Julia
You know, I think that women are just about ready to say, if you come up to us with a gun or a knife, you better be prepared to use it right then and there, because we are not going anywhere with you. And we are not going to be dug up, raped and mutilated months later on some rural road. We are going to be prepared to stand and fight with dignity in the parking lots and the shopping centers and the driveways of America. But buddy, you better be prepared to do the same, because even at the very least, one of us is going to be walking funny.
You know what gets me even more is that twisted ankle business. That is so annoying.
What twisted ankle business?
Oh, you know how they always show some young blonde thing in high heels with her bosom popping out of the dress, you know, running away from some monster or killer or something, and she's doing pretty good, she's making pretty good time until *snap* she twists that ankle. And then she just lies there til the monster polishes her off. I mean, I guess that's what you get for having big breasts and running around on three inch stilts.
Well what do you want her to do, Mary Jo? Stand up and beat the tar out of Frankenstein?
I want a movie where a woman with a gun knows how to use it, and doesn't let some man wrench it out of her wimpy little wrist. I want a movie where the hero is Charlene, not Charles Bronson.
[Suzanne finds her ex-accountant, Reggie Mac Dawson, who absconded with her life savings and is now singing and playing piano in a hotel.]
RMReggie Mac
I've gotta go to Mr. Fladbeau's office and ask if I can take my break now.
Julia
Can't you just take it?
RMReggie Mac
Well, I only get one a week.
Don't worry about Mr. Fladbeau, I'll take care of that. You're not leaving this room.
[(Suzanne grags the microphone on the piano)]
Mr. Fladbeau! This is Suzanne Sugarbaker! Reggie Mac is taking his break now, thank you!!
You do know that we're here to take you down to the hotel for the ceremony...
Yes, of course. I'm almost ready. Just let me touch up my makeup.
Julia
(suspicious) Ok, Suzanne. What's going on?
You know, Julia. We're going down to the Marriott to see those pageant people.
(relieved) Oh, Suzanne, this is great. Yesterday, when you said that stuff about your cold, dead scalp, y'know, and then you ran out to the parking lot and threw yourself on the ground kicking and screaming, and then you crawled to your car with dirt and saliva all over your face, and then you drove away peeling rubber... we thought you were upset.
Yes, well I talked to Consuela, and I'm better now.
Uh oh. I don't like the sound of that.
Julia
I'd like to think that this means you and Consuela had a soul-searching chat, and you re-evaluated your priorities and realized crown, or no crown, you are who you are — but I have a feeling I'd be disappointed.
I have a feeling it's more like little dolls, straight pins and chicken parts.
Did Consuela make a Donna Jo Carnes doll?
Yes, and she also put a curse on that Audrey woman too, and I wrote down on this piece of paper a hundred times It will not happen, so you all can just go ahead and laugh, but I know in my heart it's just not going to happen.
Julia
Suzanne, you're just making this harder on yourself. Now I've talked to Reese, and apparently there's no statute of limitations on this thing, and there's nothing we can do here.
When I was a little girl, you told me, "Suzanne, if there's anything in this life you want to be, you can be it. All you have to do it want it enough." That's how I won that contest in the first place — I wanted it more. All those other girls were running around saying, "I don't care who wins. I just enjoy the camaraderie and meeting all the other girls from all over the state of Georgia." I didn't give a flip about meeting other girls. I can meet other girls any ole time. And maybe they didn't mean it, but they said it, so a little tiny bit of them did mean it. I never said it. Basically, I just said, "I want that crown to be on my head." So I'll just go down and talk to these people and eplain it all to them, and they won't take my crown. They can't because... because you told me I could be whatever I want to be if I just want it bad enough. And I want to be Miss Georgia... for the rest of my life.
[Everyone is on a camping trip and eating in a hillbilly joint.]
Well, Julia? How're you enjoying the culture so far?
Julia
Suzanne, it just so happens I'm enjoying it fine. It's different, it's interesting. Does anybody notice we're the only people in here having dinner?
No, I did notice we're the only people in here who know who Leonard Bernstein is. Not that that's particularly a plus.
Mary Jo, will you please keep it down.
What's wrong? Well, uh, if it's all right with you, I'd just as soon not offend anybody over there.
Julia
I think he's referring to the Charles Darwin Hall of Fame.
Charles Darwin . . . used to be our yard man.
RReese
You all, Let's not be so loud.
Oh, for Pete's sake. They're just a bunch of big ol' good hearted country boys. Anyway, I don't think they're exactly gonna get the Charles Darwin joke.
Well I don't even know why you all are makin' fun of him anyway. I mean, he was an excellent yard man. He used to rinse out all my nylon stockings for a nickel.
Oh my gosh. I don't believe it.
Julia
What?
See that man over there with the hunting cap? You know, with the ear flaps?
What'd he do to you? Blow you a hayseed?
That's just his way of sayin' hi-dee!
I don't like the way he's lookin' at me with his eyes.
You know . . . Like he's lickin' the back of my neck.
BBILL
I say we pay the bill, leave an incredibly large tip, and get the hell out of here.
Oh don't be ridiculous. She thinks everybody is trying to lick the back of her neck.
Julia
All right. That's it. Now you listen to me, and you listen good. We have had just about as much of you people as we gonna take. I don't know what glacier you stepped out of, but my advice to you is to take yourself and your three slack-jawed sons down to the nearest mental health clinic.
(in a deep disguised voice) Excuse me for just a second will you?... (anthony walks to the door and screams for help) HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLP!!!!!!!
[After meeting cousin Mavis' husband:]
Boy, was he cute! How come you never brought him by before?
Suzanne, they haven't even lived here a year yet.
Julia
Anyway, what do you care? You sound like you're coveting him.
"Coveting" — what kind of talk is that? Is that like Shakespeare or something?
[The ladies are set to play the Supremes in a talent show, so in an effort to be more authentic, Suzanne buys everyone dark facial and body makeup.]
Suzanne, we can't go around in black face, that's racist!
Why? If Dustin Hoffman was gonna play Martin Luther King, you don't think he'd wear black makeup?
Julia
Suzanne, Dustin Hoffman would never play Martin Luther King — that part would go to a black actor.
Well I think that's racist! I mean, I think it should go to whoever the best person is — and that could be Dustin Hoffman.
[Suzanne enters at the talent show in her Supreme dress and in the black makeup...]
Julia
Suzanne, I can't believe that's actually you in that get-up! I've never been so embarrassed in my life!
Why? I think I'm the one that looks perfect. It's you that looks silly.
Would you get out there? You are supposed to be on!
Julia
Wait just a minute. Our number is next, and don't you dare come near us.
Julia, what are you talkin' about? I have to be with you! I'm a Supreme!
Julia
Listen, I don't give a damn if you're a California raisin! You stay away from us!
Julia
And just for the record, I think you should know, even if Bernice were crazy, that doesn't necessarily mean she should be put away.
PPhyllis
What are you saying?
Julia
I'm saying this is the South. And we're proud of our crazy people. We don't hide them up in the attic. We bring 'em right down to the living room and show 'em off. See, Phyllis, no one in the South ever asks if you have crazy people in your family. They just ask what side they're on.
PPhyllis
Oh? And which side are yours on Mrs. Sugarbaker?
Julia
Both.
Designing Women · 255 quotes
