[An old "friend"/client of Julia's overhears their plans to decorate an AIDS funeral room.]
ISImogene Salinger
Is this the boy whose funeral you're planning?
JuliaWhere did you hear that?
IImogene
I heard the rumors, but I didn't actually believe it was true! Now I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings, but if these boys hadn't been doing what they were doing, they wouldn't be getting what's coming to them now.
Imogene, gays aren't the only ones getting it.
IImogene
No, but they're the ones who started it.
KDKendall Dobbs
Actually nobody knows how it got started. Gays are just one of the first groups it showed up in.
IImogene
Yes, and for a good reason... you reap what you sow. You boys brought this on yourselves. As far as I'm concerned this disease has one thing going for it... it's killing all the right people!
Julia
Imogene, I'm terribly sorry. I'm gonna have to ask you to move your car.
Julia
(pulling her towards the door) Because you're leaving. The only thing worse than all these people who never had any morals before AIDS are all you holier-than-thou types who think you're exempt from getting it.
IImogene
Well, for your information, I am exempt. I haven't lived like these people, and I don't care what you say, Julia Sugarbaker, I believe this is God's punishment for what they've done.
Oh yeah? Then how come lesbians get it less?
IImogene
That is not for me to say... I just know that these people are getting what they deserve!
Julia
Imogene, get serious! Who do you think you're talking to? I've known you for 27 years, and all I can say is... if God was giving out sexually transmitted diseases to people as a punishment for sinning, that you would be at the free clinic all the time! ... and so would the rest of us!
I think she makes a good point.
IImogene
Oh, who cares what you think?! (she points at her head) You're not even all there!
(shocked) Well, as long as we're on the subject, (pointing at her chest) neither are you!
IImogene
(totally furious) Well, you needn't look forward to any more of my business in this lifetime!
Julia
Wonderful! I'll close up your account! And another thing, my son has an A in chemistry! In fact, he's making all As! In everything — including P.E!
[Suzanne tries to comfort a worried and distraught Julia after Reese's heart attack.]
Julia
I want to be with Reese.
I know, but you can't. He wouldn't even know you were there.
Julia
But I would. I can't stand to think about him dying with strangers. That's the way it happened with Hayden. (sobbing) They wouldn't let me be with him, and he was calling for me!
Julia, listen to me. I know how you feel about that. That's why I told the doctor that if at any time it looks like Reese isn't gonna make it, they're to come out here and get you.
Julia
You did?
CMCharlene and Mary Jo
You did?
Yes, I did. And you know what? They haven't come for you, have they?
Julia
No, they haven't.
Julia
Yes, it is. Thank you for doing that. (crying and hugging Suzanne)
We're just gonna sit down here together, and you rest your head on my shoulder okay?
(to Mary Jo) It's amazing, isn't it? Most of the time she goes around without the sense God gave a goose. Look at her. I mean, one crisis, and she's Scarlett O'Hara.
A couple of hoods got after Julia.
Hoods love Julia. It's that little sashay in her walk.
Julia
Does it matter? They said the same asinine things they always say.
I know, but just out of curiosity what was it?
Julia
Charlene, we always go through this. Why do you have to know?
I don't know. It's a sickness.
Julia
All right, Charlene. If you must know, they said, "Hey Sweet Meat. What it is. Mmm - mmm, strut it out. Bring it on home to me now." OK?
[The ladies are forced to sleep in bunk beds in a tacky room after dealing with an assortment of oddball singles.]
Why are you so quiet down there, Julia?
Julia
I'm just trying to say my prayers.
What were you praying for?
Julia
If you must know, I was praying, number one, that you all would let me go to sleep. Number two, that I'm not seated next to Club Mel at breakfast. And number three, I was thanking God that I did not grow up with a mother who wore a leopard-skin headband, white see-through T-shirt and glued rhinestones to her fingernails.
Julia
Mary Jo, what on Earth is the matter now?
It's this stupid dress of Suzanne's. This is so typical. It's just like her to hang this by my bed so it won't get wrinkled in the closet. As if I'm so little it won't bother me. She does this kind of thing to me all the time.
Julia
Why don't you just take it down?
Actually, this fascinates me. These bra cups are huge. It's kinda like this is the corral where Suzanne keeps her bosom, and I'm the hired hand who guards 'em while she takes 'em out on a midnight ride.
Well, all I have to say is, the next time Olivia May gets sick, you all can just invite somebody else to play cards. I don't like this game. I like simple games. You know, like the kind you play when you're little.
Julia
Suzanne, we've been all over that. Charlene doesn't have a picture of a donkey.
[After being trapped in the hotel room all night:]
Julia
I think this illness has affected your brain. Or, I've just never before noticed the extent of your unequalled ability to be fascinated at absolutely nothing.
Y'know, Julia, I used to think that if I were a man I'd be interested in you, but not anymore!!
[Suzanne enters with a pig on a leash. The pig is wearing a puffy pink "shirt" and a silver bow on her head... .. Everyone just gawks...]
Julia
Suzanne...where did you get that pig?
What pig? Oh, you mean this pig. Well, y'see... Consuela's entire family has just arrived from San Salvador for the holidays... and uh... this is their gift to me. Y'know, they're very big in meat packing. Well, anyway... I tried to board her with a private kennel — they won't take her, and I'm sure not about to have her slaughtered. By the way, do you all have any idea how difficult it is to find a 26-inch rhinestone collar?
Julia
I cannot believe that you are walking around with this big pig on a leash.
Why not? It just fits my mood. This is the worst Christmas I ever had. All my vacation plans fell through, and I haven't heard a thing from any of my ex-husbands — not even a Christmas card.
Well, what about Hugh? Aren't you still dating him?
No, not anymore. He's in intensive care again. He's always in intensive care and I'm just sick of it.
Julia
Suzanne, after all, he is 80 years old.
Oh, he's just a big hypochondriac. Anyway, I was sitting there last night feeling sorry for myself, y'know, and Noel came over and nudged me with her little snout. She is ugly, isn't she? (giggling) I am genuinely fond of this pig. I guess you could say she was there for me when I was lonely and needed a friend.
Julia
As your sister I have to tell you one thing.
Julia
:leaning in We're not taking that pig shopping.
I'm just a little upset because Quint doesn't believe in Santa Claus anymore. As a matter of fact he says he's gonna prove it once and for all — he's been up in his room working on all these traps.
How come he doesn't think there is one?
He says reindeers couldn't have the staying power, y'know, to go all the way around the world in one night. He wanted to know if Santa had some kinda deal with Federal Express.
Julia
Boy, he's awful young to be so cynical.
Hey, that's not so young. I was only 3 when I quit believing.
Yeah. My Uncle Willie. There wasn't enough money for presents, so he just came to me and told me that Santa Claus had been stabbed.
Yeah, Uncle Willie didn't have a lot of couth. Anyway, I was pretty upset. The next year I wrote a letter to the elves. All I asked for was a baseball glove because, y'know, I figured they had there hands full with Santa gone and everything. But I guess Uncle Willie couldn't get it together that year either, because Christmas Eve he came into my room and told me that the elves had been killed in a sledding accident.
Julia
We've been acting a little childish about things that didn't measure up to Christmases past. Have we forgotten how lucky we are to have had those Christmases in the first place?
You're right. No matter how old I get, nothing's ever gonna measure up to my entire family sitting in front of a fire on Christmas Eve singing "Silent Night." Daddy reading from the Bible — Harold Thomas sitting on his lap — me on one side, Mama on the other. Y'know, I've just gotta be grateful I had that. Nothing is ever gonna be greater than that...except maybe heaven. Anthony...you're crying.
I know. I thought you were gonna tell another one of those stories about your daddy needing a bank loan, and it got to me before I realized you were on another track.
Julia
I know I'm especially grateful to have my son here on Christmas Day — whose eyes I can look into and still see his father. And I'm grateful to Charlene for making that possible...and to Suzanne, for turning down a vacation in Switzerland just to hear me play the piano. And I'm grateful that I have a friend like Mary Jo who cries because her little boy doesn't believe in Santa Claus. And I'm also grateful that I know someone like Anthony, who is such a good sport about breaking a leg!
Julia, you're starting to sound like the piano lady at the Holiday Inn Tap Room.
Julia
I know! It's Christmas...and I can't help myself!
Now play "The First Noel" for my pig.
[Charlene drops back by Sugarbaker's to pick up her purse and finds Julia still there.]
Aren't you supposed to be at the church?
Julia
I'm not going.
Julia
I just can't do it, that's all. I know you're disappointed in me. I'm disappointed in myself.
Why don't you think you can do it? Are you still afraid you can't hit that high note?
Julia
That, among other things.
Julia
Oh, I don't know — laryngitis, forgetting the words, getting my choir robe trapped up in my pantyhose — you name it, I've thought of it.
(sad and teary) I just resigned from my church.
Julia
Oh, Charlene. I'm so sorry.
Julia
Is there anything I can do?
Yes, as a matter of fact there is. My minister, Reverend Nunn, is gonna be at the closing ceremony tonight, and for some reason I need to be proud of women tonight. I wanna hear you hit that high note.
Julia
No, Charlene. No, I can't.
Yes you can. Julia, I know you can. Now what I just did took more courage than I ever thought I had, and it would be impossible for me to have more courage than you.
Julia
What makes you so sure?
Well... 'cause you're my hero.
Julia
touched... heroine.
Julia
Charlene, that's a nice idea, but just because you have faith in me doesn't mean I'll be able to do it.
Well, who said anything about having faith in you? I'm just asking you to have the guts to step up to the microphone and open your mouth. I think I can get him to supply the notes.
Julia
Exactly how sure are you?
Just a feeling. Oh please, Julia. Do it for me. Do it for all us girls.
Julia
You mean you, Mary Jo and Suzanne?
I mean all us girls... everywhere.
[Julia and Commissioner Brickett square off on television, while Anthony and the ladies sit on the sidelines, worried that "Terminator" Julia won't be able to hold her temper....as it begins, and it turns out, she is getting impatient already!]
CCaller
I'm a member of the National Rifle Association, and I support Commissioner Brickett's stand on every American's inalienable right to bear arms. And I'm not any red-necked deer hunter. I'm a professional man who's simply interested in protecting his family.
NNewscaster
Mrs. Sugarbaker?
Julia
Facts are: number 1: a seven day waiting period does not prohibit anyone from obtaining a gun, unless he or she happens to have a criminal record.
Mrs. Sugarbaker, you're a smart gal and a pretty one too. When you go out at night alone, I bet you carry some kind of little handgun in your purse. How would you feel if you were robbed and raped during that seven day period while you waited for approval for that handgun?
Julia
Well, Commissioner, I'd probably feel as badly as you would feel if you were molested and shot by someone who'd just gotten out of prison and bought a gun on that very same day.
CCaller
My children attend school here in Atlanta, and I do not appreciate Commissioner Brickett's lack of support for our extra curricular fine arts programs like dance and ballet.
Listen. When the petticoat sports can attract a gate that pays for itself like basketball and football, then I'll get excited. Anyway, I think we should spend less time worrying about the screwball curriculums and get back to the basic three R's.
Julia
Screwball curriculums?! Petticoat sports?! I bet you think Refrigerator Perry is a better athlete than Mikhail Baryshnikov! I mean, I don't know what kind of an ignoramus...
(clears his throat)... ahem!!
Julia
(immediately turning to the camera and smiling) I strongly support a more expanded program of liberal arts in the public schools and would do my best to encourage funding.
And all I can say is Amen to this wonderful caller, because I too would like to hear the Pledge of Allegiance recited in our classrooms again. By the way, you may be interested to know that flag sales in this country are at an all-time high.
Julia
I think the Pledge of Allegiance is wonderful, and so is the flag. You know, it's not an official American document. It was taken from a children's magazine.
NNewscaster
Yes, but should reciting it be mandatory?
Julia
No, it should be a privilege.
Designing Women · 255 quotes
