Julia quotes from Designing Women

Julia

My father used to propose toasts all the time, so here it goes: Here's to the ones that wish us well and those who don't can go to hell!

Julia

Please, if you wanna feel like crying, try being one of those women who hold down a job, raise a family on the side, watch their legal rights erode year after year, and are still being told that women's liberation has gone too far, that outta make you feel like crying. Hoooo!

Julia

"Well, FAR be it!"

Suzanne

Julia, I didn't pick him... it just happened.

Julia

And it will happen again. Suzanne, if sex were fast food there'd be an arch over your bed. And I swear I didn't mean that bitchy...

Julia

Excuse me, aren't you Marjorie Leigh Winnick, the current Miss Georgia World?

Why, yes I am.

Julia

I'm Julia Sugarbaker, Suzanne Sugarbaker's sister. I couldn't help overhearing part of your conversation.

Well, I'm sorry. I didn't know anyone was here.

Julia

Yes, and I gather from your comments there are a couple of other things you don't know, Marjorie. For example, you probably didn't know that Suzanne was the only contestant in Georgia pageant history to sweep every category except congeniality, and that is not something the women in my family aspire to anyway. Or that when she walked down the runway in her swimsuit, five contestants quit on the spot. Or that when she emerged from the isolation booth to answer the question, "What would you do to prevent war?" she spoke so eloquently of patriotism, battlefields and diamond tiaras, grown men wept. And you probably didn't know, Marjorie, that Suzanne was not just any Miss Georgia, she was the Miss Georgia. She didn't twirl just a baton; that baton was on fire. And when she threw that baton into the air, it flew higher, further, faster than any baton has ever flown before, hitting a transformer and showering the darkened arena with sparks! And when it finally did come down, Marjorie, my sister caught that baton, and 12,000 people jumped to their feet for sixteen and one-half minutes of uninterrupted, thunderous ovation as flames illuminated her tear-stained face! And that, Marjorie, just so you will know, and your children will someday know, is the night the lights went out in Georgia!

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Julia

Well, now you do.

Julia

Look, Mary Jo, all that I'm saying is that I'm not gonna pay one red cent on that ticket, and if I have to I'll take it all the way to the Supreme Court!

Charlene

What happened?

Mary Jo

(very dramatically) We're on the way to the bank to make that deposit, right? But the car breaks down, so while they're working on it, Julia decides that we should walk to the bank and make our "drive-thru" deposit on foot... because the inside of the bank doesn't open until 10.

Charlene

Sounds reasonable to me.

Julia

Thank you, Charlene!

Mary Jo

So there we are standing in the drive-thru, and when we "pull up"--- so to speak — to the glass window, the guy refuses to accept our deposit because we're not inside a vehicle.

Charlene

That's ridiculous.

Mary Jo

So Julia commandeers the back seat of the woman behind us and starts yelling for this woman to drive us through the drive-thru! and then the bank manager makes Julia get out of the woman's car, and then the police come. Need I say more?

Charlene

Well, Julia. If you're not gonna pay the ticket, what's your defense gonna be?

Julia

My defense is... that when I attempted to use that drive-thru window, I was indeed inside a vehicle; the vessel in which I have chosen to go through life — my body!

Suzanne

Oh Julia, don't be ridiculous. No judge is gonna believe that! If you'd gotten to choose... you would have selected a much newer model.

Julia

Oh, Anthony. We just feel terrible. I wish you'd take some more of that turkey for your dog.

Anthony

I don't want anymore of that turkey. I like my dog.

Mary Jo

Anthony, we are so sorry.

Charlene

We promise we'll make it up to you.

Anthony

Don't worry about it. It's been a fine afternoon. Happy Thanksgiving. Thanks again for turning me in for murder.

Julia

Well, maybe you'd feel less ashamed if you changed outfits.

Charlene

C'mon, Julia, don't be so stuffy. For some people this is conservative.

Julia

Yes, well... maybe Tina Turner while lying in state.

Julia

Dr. Mitchell, I'm Julia Sugarbaker. May I come in?

Yes, but I hope this won't take long. I'm on the staff of three hospitals, and I still have rounds.

Julia

Oh, I understand how very very busy you are, and I'll be brief. I've come because I'm a very close friend of Charlene Frazier's.

Charlene Frazier is no longer my patient, so I can't see....

Julia

Actually I'm not here only for Charlene's behalf, but on behalf of all your patients.

I don't understand.

Julia

What I'd like to know is, how many more women are you gonna kill before you retire?!

I beg your pardon?!

Julia

You see, I've done a little checking on you, Dr. Mitchell, and I've discovered that Charlene is not the first woman you've told to wait and see. You said the same thing to another close friend of mine, only at that time I didn't know that you were her physician. Well she trusted you. She waited four months before her breasts had become so misshapen she had to come back, but by then it was too late.

Mrs. Sugarbaker, I don't think I would care to discuss with you medical judgments which you know nothing about.

Julia

Medical jargon doesn't impress me. I was brought up in a medical family, and my grandfather always said 80% was common sense. There's nothing mysterious about having a lump in your breast. It's simple, when you find one you have it x-rayed or biopsied. I know that. Most physicians know that. What I don't understand is, why don't you know that?

[arrogantly] Perhaps I'm of the old school.

Julia

[furiously] That's not "old school"! That's gross incompetence!!!

Well, it's obvious to me that you are an emotional, overwrought woman.

Julia

Not emotional, Doctor, I'm just plain mad. Which is why I'm filing charges against you with the state medical bureau and the AMA.

Well, if you want to make a fool of yourself, be my guest, but I can assure you you're in no way qualified to make these judgments. I think this meeting is over.

Julia

I think so too, but as for qualified, neither are you. You don't depend on medicine. Your weapon is intimidation. You're a seemingly kind, benevolent authority figure who tells women to let you do their worrying for them. Well there's just one thing wrong with that, Dr. Mitchell; you don't have to do their dying!

I was just wondering... If I was to ask for you specifically, would I get you?

Julia

I have no idea what you're talking about, but somehow I feel absolutely safe in saying the answer is no.

Suzanne

Julia, why do you always have to look a gift horse in the mouth?

Julia

Because, if you look one in the rear, they usually kick you.

Suzanne

Well I sure made a mess of things this time, didn't I?

Julia

Not yet. In a few more hours they'll be talking kidnapping.

Suzanne

I wish I'd never met her. She thinks I'm wonderful. She even loves my cooking.

Julia

You don't cook.

Suzanne

Well, I know that, but she doesn't! Li Sing's the first person who's ever loved me just for me.

Julia

She's not the first. She's the third.

Suzanne

What? you mean my ex-husbands?

Julia

No, silly. Mother and me. We love you just for you.

Suzanne

Yeah, but you don't think I can do anything.

Julia

That's not true. I just said I didn't think you were cut out to be a mother.

Suzanne

You mean unlike the four billion other women on Earth? Thanks a lot.

Julia

But you do something nobody else can do.

Suzanne

What?

Julia

I don't know what it is.....exactly.....that you do. I just know nobody else is doing it, or can do it, like you do. You giving away your pillow?

Suzanne

Yeah. I wanted Li Sing to have it.

Julia

I think Grandma would like that. I remember when she made these for us. Roots and Wings. We sure got our share didn't we? Suzanne, I'm going to say something pretty harsh, but I'm saying it because I love you. Just once in your life, don't put yourself first.

Suzanne

I'm not, Julia. I'm thinking of Li Sing.

Julia

No, you're not. You're not thinking at all. You know, in your heart, that she's better off with this couple. If you love her, like you say you do, give her wings.

Suzanne

I just didn't expect to fall in love with her. I know, you're right. I know. Ok, I'll do it.

Julia

I'm so happy for you.

Suzanne

Why?

Julia

Because, now. . . you know what it feels like to be a mother.

Suzanne

At Mardel Richardson's wedding — you know Mardel has a little weight problem, and she unfortunately chose a full white gown with a veil. Anyway, just as she's getting ready to go down the aisle, Julia leans over to me and says, "Look, Suzanne, it's not a bride, it's a bride float."

Julia

Oh, I did not. You're terrible.

Suzanne

You did so. And then when the attendants started down the aisle, she said, "If they had any style at all, they'd ride her in."

Charlene

What'd they say?

Julia

Who?

Charlene

The adolescent cretins.

Julia

It doesn't matter what they said. They said what they always say.

Charlene

Well I know, but just out of curiosity, what was it?

Julia

All right, Charlene. If you must know, they said, "Say, Mama, sure would like to be your Daddy. Mmm Mmm got to have me some of that."

Suzanne

Oh, oh!! I've got one... this just makes me furious!! Y'know... when men... use Women's Liberation as an excuse not to kill bugs for you... oh, I just hate that!!! I don't care what anybody says, I think the man should have to kill the bug!!

Julia

I don't think I can add anything to that...